eyes on eternity

God is so good, He's so good to me

2011-09-24T16:32:00.009+08:00

I was in Thailand for 3 weeks. This is the summarized record of what I have learnt.

Before

Honestly, all I was thinking the 2/3 days before I left was why in the world did I sign up for this. I had a choice. I actually went looking for mission trips to go on on my own during the 3 weeks of break I would still have after my internship, and now I was kind of regretting it. I just came back from family camp, I had a lot of fun with everybody, and just when I was getting some freedom and realizing how much I enjoy it, I remembered I signed up for 3 weeks of loneliness and uncertainty. The night before I was almost sure I made a mistake. We played monopoly deal all night, and I wasn't ready at all to go. Let's call this feeling Feeling 1.

I have totally forgotten the certainty I had that it was God's will that I go, when I planned the trip 2 months ago.

During

So I arrived, I wasn't exactly homesick, but I sure could think of a whole host of more 'fun' things I could be doing. First few days was alright, Jessica and Hannah were there, and they helped me adjust faster than I would have done by myself. I met many new people on the first day itself, but I was so ready to just fade into the background and mope in solitude instead of making the effort to make friends. They hardly spoke English, and those who did spoke it minimally. Sign language was important. I smiled and went through that whole motion of meeting new people, but I was sore inside, already counting down the days to going home. I am not proud of Feeling 2.

As the days passed by, it got better. I mean, I was sure this is one small step God wanted me to take, so as hard as it was learning to speak Thai and trying to make friends with adults and children there (children of course were easier), I started making the effort. It's not like I was gonna be there for a couple of years, just 3 weeks. I had to make the most out of it. People there don't open up to you easily. They are friendly, but that is what everybody (or most people anyway) is to a stranger. Building relationships from scratch with the language barrier seemed almost impossible. One thing I held on to when I was there, was that famous quote,

Preach the gospel at all times; when necessary, use words.

-St Francis of Assisi

I knew I could not use our language barrier as an excuse not to love these people, so I resolved to serve in deed, wherever I could, however small the deed. I also always replayed the words of Andy Stanley in my head - Where there's a need, meet it. When there's something to be done, do it. (Principle taken from Galatians 5:13) My struggle in this was when it came to washing the dishes. No really. I hate doing the dishes. It grosses me out, especially when you're doing other people's dishes. And honestly, no one sees it when you do the dishes. But it was just another lesson to be learnt in real life. You serve in the smallest way you can even when no one will ever know/appreciate that you ever did it.

When you live daily routines of consciously serving others, it starts off really hard. I don't know if it's just me, but when I start to try to do something consciously, it suddenly becomes 10 times harder than before. It seems to take every fibre in my body to carry out the deed.

After Jessica and Hannah left, I was faced with about 2 weeks of living alone. New dreading feeling. Now I don't have handy Thai translators (they were there for 2 months helping out!) and I would be alone in new terms again. I moved to a new place to stay, and at first coming home to an empty room, with absolutely nothing to do at night, was quite a daunting thought. Feeling 3. Phrao (the place I went to) is very small, and shops close around 8-9pm. And when people say they are going 'shopping', it means they are going to 7-Eleven. True story. And that happened to be where my breakfast and dinner came from after Jess and Hannah left.

Guess what? I started memorizing Scriptures in my solitary time. God's word became so important to me, because when I was alone, I was forced to face my fears/struggles in life that I could conveniently run from when I am around many people, or when I am busy. God did not fail me. He showed up every morning, with renewed mercies for me to go through my day with, always always meeting me where I am that morning, whether it was a good one or a really lousy one. I started enjoying the routine of waking up real early (5.45am) everyday, go to the kindergarten, finish work at 6.30pm, grab dinner from 7-Eleven and go home. Either I watch DVDs to pass the night, or I would be playing the guitar.

At first, without Jess and Hannah, with whom these people spent the last 2 months with, I felt like a stranger again. They didn't really know me, and I sure as anything didn't really know them. But I replaced those silent moments where there didn't seem anything to talk about (or indeed, did not know how to talk about it in Thai) with serving wherever I could. It didn't feel good to feel so friendless and alone, but that's that- Feeling 4.

Working with children, besides giving you good workout and near heart attacks (exaggeration hehe), it shows me how I should live my life. It shows me the ways in which God means when He said

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.

Matthew 19:14

Honestly, I have learnt principles of living life from observing these children.

Of course, as things would go, I started to see fruits of the slow but sure building of a relationship. We still had language barriers, but I learnt quite well to communicate via some English, some Thai, and a whole lot of sign language. I always somehow thought we'd never get far, cause honestly, we can only talk about so much with such language struggle. But people started opening up to me. Especially a girl about my age, who told me a lot about her family and her life when we were having dinner together once, although our language barrier still existed. It came out of nowhere, and I didn't expect it cause usually they prefer to talk about general stuff. Hey, language or no language barrier, it didn't matter. I found out so much about her life and why she is the way she is. And I became friends with older adults that I thought were way out of my generation. With 1 week left to going home, I was starting to feel heavy-hearted. I felt like my work here was not done, and God knows how much more there is that needs to be done. Feeling 5.

I didn't feel good, to leave just when I start seeing fruits of friendship and trust blossoming. But God is Sovereign, and that was my only comforting thought.

After

So I am back, and of course, as you would predict, I miss the people and children there excessively. Feeling 6. My final year of school starts on Monday. It's going to be another chapter of my life and I am nervous to see what God has in store for me this year, and after that. Feeling 7.

So, numbering all those major feelings in the post above, what does it really mean? I mean if I were to number all the feelings I encountered during my trip, it would be a very very long post. But I think we all know where I am getting to. My feelings change like the second hand of the clock. One minute I feel great, the next second I don't. If I were to live my life guided by my feelings, chances are my life will not be very effective for God. Are my feelings more controlled now after all that I have experienced? Fat chance. They continue to change and change and affect me. But I am learning to distinguish between feelings and the truth. I keep failing, but by God's grace, I am going to keep trying.

I don't know what God's plan for me is tomorrow, or for the new semester, or for after I graduate. But I know His promises are true, and that

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

If there is one thing I have learnt from Thailand, it's that every smallest thing that happens in my life is part of God's big puzzle of my life. Whether I feel it's wrong or right, it will fit together. What I need to do is in this moment that I have, right now, is do the thing that honours God. Although I have a worry about something that's happening later, right now I honour God. Although I am burdened by tomorrow, I surrender it to Him and right now, just honour God.

Like a child, I try to live life by every moment that comes.

And at this moment, I think I am going to grab a snack! :P

season by season i watch Him amazed, in awe of the mystery of His perfect ways

2011-08-15T14:30:00.004+08:00

It was late evening when she killed the engine and stepped out into the slight drizzle. Running across the street towards the sheltered area, she started to climb the familiar staircase that she usually frequents every month or so. Coming to a halt at the locked doors, the scene that met her eyes was that which was slightly out of the ordinary. However, since it was the weekend, the crowd was nothing she did not expect. As the owner lets her in, she is told that she has to wait for two more customers to be done before her turn came. Resigned to the fact that waiting is part of getting her hair cut during the weekend, she settled down on a chair, pulled out her phone and logged onto Facebook. After replying to some notifications, she logged out, put her phone away, and just sat and observed the conversations ensuing between the owner and the customers, allowing herself to just relax comfortably after a fun but tiring day.

As the owner ushers one customer into another room to have his hair washed, she was left alone in the vicinity with another stranger who was getting her hair dyed. As she picked up a comic book and pretended to flip through it, not understanding a single Chinese character printed all over the pages, she suddenly heard someone call her name. Looking up, she realized the stranger was addressing her. The momentary feeling of surprise was dwarfed by the activity that started going on in her head, despite keeping a calm façade and answering politely. In her mind, she snapped a mental image of the stranger and started running it through the database of her acquaintances, desperately trying to find a match. This desperation was peaked when in the ensuing conversation going on outside her mind, the stranger revealed to know a lot about herself and her family. It did not help that this stranger was having her hair dyed and had it bunched up in a peculiar (if not humorous) way and was also wrapped in the usual hair salon protection sheet, watering down any trace of familiarity at all.

After awhile, it was as if her mind beeped and said “No match found”. Giving up trying to identify the stranger, she continued the conversation with good grace, taking down some features of the lady, making a mental note to describe the stranger to her mum later, at the same time doubting she would ever find out who this stranger was.

Fast forward, a few minutes later, the owner comes back out, expressed surprise at the unexpected acquaintance and thankfully, as the owner continued talking, reveals the name of the stranger. The name rang no bells, but it would be sufficient for her mother to identify later she was sure. She silently uttered a word of thanks to God that the owner liked to talk.

Conclusion: Apparently it is not as hard as it may seem to be, to hold a conversation with a person whom you consider a stranger, but does not consider you so, and yet make yourself appear to know perfectly well who that person is. The trick is to just answer their questions obediently and occasionally ask about their general well-being. Do not ask about their family as you do not know who they are and may make a costly blunder. Of course, it may very well be that the stranger identified your ignorance, but was gracious enough to play along. I sure hope that wasn’t the case.

....................................................................................................................................................

I can't believe it has already been more than a year since i posted on this blog! My brain feels saturated working on drives and motors right now, so i grabbed at the first non-technical escape i could think of.

Yes, Facebook is banned at work.

as i walk from earth into eternity

2010-06-11T03:51:00.004+08:00

Wanted to share something that I learnt in bible study training on Tuesday, that I found really interesting. We were learning about how to study the Bible more effectively, and one of the ways is to examine the culture of those times in the Bible to better understand the context of a passage or verse. During the time when Jesus was on earth, it was normal for people to go to toilets which were probably just a bush, and do their business. Then they would wash with water by themselves, not wipe because they didn’t have toilet paper. So that was a bit of a hassle. So the slaves thought of a way to make money, where they put a wet sponge at the end of a stick, sit behind everyone, and wipe for everybody. They would dip the sponge into water and wipe it. So obviously there was a problem of it being not hygienic because they were using the same sponge to wipe for everybody, because sponges were expensive, and people started getting sick and stuff. So then they put the sponge vinegar instead which helps kill bacteria and make it more hygienic. You probably already see where I am going.

When Jesus was on the cross, about to die, he said he was thirsty, and a roman guard dipped a sponge into vinegar and used a stick to feed Jesus. I always wondered (I guess never to a very curious extent cause I never bothered to find out) why the guards who mocked him all the way, tortured and hit him, would even bother to answer Jesus’ request for water. That was a little too nice. Well, they weren’t being nice. They took what people used to wipe others’ behind and put it to Jesus’ mouth. That was a total mockery of Jesus.

So yeah. Well, i am almost done with my orientation with Disney, i hope i can officially start work (or training) soon, should start by monday. Missed out on evangelism on wednesday because of orientation, they went to a mall. But i signed up for mercy ministry on saturday morning, where if there's opportunity groups of about 20 people will go and serve the community. I am not sure where we are going, i can't remember.

For social night on wednesday, we had a hoedown. So everyone dressed up really southern, played games, had baking and chilly cookout contest and danced to country music. I am going to the disney water park later, i don't know why but for water park we only get free entry until end of this week.

Thank you for praying for me. I feel like this is a great opportunity if anything, for me to grow deeper in my walk with Christ. So whatever comes, i am not gonna waste the chance to grow in my relationship with Jesus, and just build relationships with God's people, and serve in whatever way i can. I do miss home, and am excited that i can experience this but at the same time be able to go home not long after. Only thing i am not looking forward to is the heat at home. It is hot here, but it's just not as burning and sweaty like back in Malaysia (though the americans would beg to differ haha) and the whole room is air conditioned 24/7. My roommate said to go about in jeans and sweatshirts during the last week here to get used to the heat haha

Kau yang terindah, di dalam hidup ini

2010-06-08T07:43:00.002+08:00

Woohoo!! It's been awhile.. haven't had time to go and get internet. So i had my orientation at disney and it's called traditions. Basically, we sit in a classroom from 8am- 5pm and they teach us about disney history and tell us how to be happy as disney workers, and how we must always keep the magic alive. The goal is to create happiness with entertainment for people of all ages. It wasn't as boring as i thought it would be. Halfway we spent about an hour going to magic kingdom (one of the disney parks, the most famous one) finding examples of work ethics. It was hot, but i saw the cinderella castle for the first time, it looked amazing! it was like seeing something on tv come to life!

They gave out little disney figurines if you participate in class. I got mickey and minnie. Mickey mouse came halfway to our class for about 5 minutes, and he handed me one figurine when i answered a question, and he hugged me. Everything was complete. Kidding haha. But it was pretty cool. We got out ID, meaning this whole summer we can go into any of the disney parks for free! So obviously we wanted to go immediately. the 11 of us went back, took a short nap and went to Magic Kingdom at 7.30pm. Let's just say it was GREAT!! I really felt like a kid, and i had so much fun! We took only about 3 rides, cause it closes at 11. We went on the space mountain, which was like a roller coaster in the dark. It was fun, but i kinda felt a little scared halfway cause it was so dark and you're just rolling about, i kept telling myself maurice is in front, maurice is in front haha. If you would talk to my sister hannah, you would know just how much i am afraid of wild rides.

Then we went for speedway which after space mountain was kinda mild, just driving a bit. Then we watched the fireworks display over the castle which shows every night. It was a.ma.zing. Just like in those disney cartoons, when at the end there's fireworks. It was for more than like 5 minutes, i tried to video, but in the end i just watched it and savoured it. It really really was beautiful, and i figure expensive too. Then we went for a final ride, just about 10 minutes before they closed, the splash mountain, and we all got wet but it was really good. After a whole day of traditions, we were beat. So we headed back, but got a little glimpse of the parade which runs every night too. It was great.

The official schedule started yesterday, we have this slot on Wednesday afternoons where we go out to public places to evangelise, but what sucks is this week I got orientation on Wednesday, usually we have no work but this week we gotta go for orientation. I was really looking forward to it. Oh well. We went to River of Life church, the whole project go to 3 different churches. We go with our teams. It was quite the same as back home.

I’ve been learning a new method of studying verses from the Bible, and I find it pretty thorough and effective. Been having a good time getting in the word each day.

I fried egg for the first time today. I wanted to make a normal sunny side up egg, but it failed so I just scrambled it but it came out weird too haha. Apparently you need oil to fry your egg, yeah I just fried it like that. Oh well, good first time =p Okay, that’s it for today. Don’t wanna have information overload right. Be back!

i close my eyes and i see your face

2010-06-03T02:40:00.004+08:00

Hello! If you’re wondering why I’m so free to update my blog, it’s cause I haven’t started my work yet. I start on Saturday. Yesterday, the 11 of us who are going to work at Disney (great opportunity, cause there are 100+ students and all the others work at seaworld and universal studios which is just as cool la) went to Downtown Disney for a work interview where we basically just filled forms and got told where we’re working in Disney. I haven’t got it all worked out yet, but what I know is Disneyworld has parks all over Orlando, not just one specific place. Downtown Disney is like a place where people can go in for free to walk and buy Disney stuff, and we went to the casting office, that’s what it’s called. That place itself is so cool! Everything has a Disney feel to it. And we even got this Disney folder with all our booklets and pamphlets about the job.

We’re divided into 3 groups, with each having a group leader with a car. We all work with food. My group works at Everything Pop, don’t ask me what is it, I just know it has something to do with Pop Century. Apparently we serve food that is classier than hamburgers and fries. We don’t get free food though, but there is gonna be a staff cafeteria or we can pack food. The other 2 groups work at All Star, and Caribbean Resort or something. I think none of us are at any of the parks, more like at the hotel area. But we can go into the parks for free on our days off, and each time we go in, we can take 3 friends. We can go in 6 times over the summer! Working hours are 3pm-12am everyday except Wednesdays and Sundays, cause Sunday we go to church, and on Wednesdays I think the schedule for the project is full. I don’t have the full schedule yet. Oh and here they refer to it as ‘the project’, like some covert government secret operation haha.

I guess cause it’s the Summer Orlando Project. A lotta people are on their 2^nd/3^rd project, it’s a yearly thing. If you’ve been twice, you have a chance of going to Malaysia for the summer trip. There are a few teams in Malaysia now, and it think Connexion Semenyih or Uncle Rodney is hosting some of them. They will be back here before we leave, so we can meet them later in the project.

I am free till Saturday when my job orientation starts. I am trying to wake at 7am while i can to skype with my sisters and mum. Tex Mex is not open yet, but i just sit outside and use the internet haha. I am still quite amazed by the fact that i am in the United States, that everything around me is so new and interesting, hence the truckload of pictures.

Today, after skyping, i spent some time 'getting in the Word' beside the pool with Billie (the girl from malaysia with me) and her roommate Lauren. Found out today 'get in the Word' is a slang they use in the project. No wonder everyone has been using that on me, although it's not hard to understand i wondered if it was a usual US slang. After studying Galatians 5:1 (which is the theme verse for this project), lauren and billie planned to go to walmart so i joined them. It was really exciting, i mean cmon it's walmart, we've grown up hearing about that right? haha, i went crazy snapping pictures, it looked just like a huge tesco, but there are some interesting stuff in there. The best part was i found twinkies and ding dongs which i always read about in books and see on tv.

Everything was so cheap and unique to me, i just wanted to get everything! But i practiced self restraint, i'll spend when we travel haha. I bought a bottle and some bowls. It only cost me less than 3 dollars. The other day on the way to the security office, we passed by a nike clearance store about 10 minutes from the hotel. Clearly i'm going to have some issues with self control long before my travelling haha.

After walmart, my roommates were back from seaworld for their orientation. They were having lunch in the kitchen, so i ate my mamee instant noodles with them and just hung out. Usually everyone makes their own meals, sometimes they drive out. What's weird for me is i am not used to this kinda independent living, but i guess it's good for me haha. I chatted with my roommate hannah (my roommates are hannah, rachel, amber and aly) for awhile after that, then they went down to the pool to sunbathe and read. So here i am in tex mex again with billie, updating on the net, and maurice just joined us. Every wednesday nights are social nights, they have parties. Tonight it's by the pool. Another thing is all of them love dancing, so that's gonna be awkward.. we'll see haha

p/s: sorry, i messed up the fonts!

believe me i won't stop at nothing

2010-06-02T01:16:00.002+08:00

Hello from Orlando!

WOW! It's been such a trip.. Let me try to recall the last 40 hours or so. So we reached Singapore from Malaysia around 11.45pm on Sunday. Hung out for the next 6 hours, didn't sleep. Could not sleep actually. Explored Changi airport a little before the shops closed up. Took loads of pictures. Trying to upload pictures to facebook now, will caption them accordingly. It's too much to upload them here, we are at a restaurant called Tex Mex near the hotel to use the internet.

Anyway, after Singapore, we flew to Chicago, with about 2 hours transit at Hong Kong in between. It took about 4 hours to get to Hong Kong, and then another 14 hours to Chicago. It was quite a torturous ride the first half of it, cause i had a bad case of flu and my flu meds were in my luggage. But there was a nice stewardess to Hong Kong, she kept giving me hot water, and asam cause she said it's good for my throat haha.

At Chicago, our supposedly 4 hour transit became 8 hours.. Our flight got delayed, it was so tiring, and there was no free wifi in the entire airport. So we just curled on the benches and slept. It seems we keep sleeping but still feel so tired. We reached orlando around 1 am US time, 1 pm Malaysian time tuesday. There were about 10 people picking us from the airport, they were really nice and welcoming. When we got back and got ourselves registered it was already almost 4 am. I wanted to take a shower, and it took me about 15 minutes to figure out how to switch on the shower. Everyone was sleeping and i didn't wanna wake them.. I slept on the couch for about half and hour after that. The room was so cold, and my 4 roommates were sleeping without blankets and with shorts. After that i couldnt sleep anymore, so i got up went downstairs and went online. Skyped with my mum hannah and bekah for awhile, felt a little homesick, but thank God for friends who are here with me.

The students here are all really friendly, i guess it's just the sudden change of seeing all americans around me. They love sunbathing at the pool. We stand under the shade for about 2 minutes and already feel like we can't take the heat haha. I can't wait to start working at disneyworld. We start working on saturday. Went to get our social security number done today. Going to disney for an interview in about an hour. There's so much about the project schedule i wanna share, it seems really interesting, but i will find our more, get more familiarised and blog more.

Thanks for the prayers!

for once i can touch what my heart used to dream of

2010-05-24T23:48:00.003+08:00

In church yesterday, i met uncle tan's 5 year old son for the first time. I had a conversation, if you can call it that, with him. It was something like this.

me: hi, what's your name?

boy: timothy.

me: nice name! so is your nickname tim or timmy?

[pause]

boy: timothy.

Haha. He has a real patriotic craze for our badminton squad. If you ask him who won the semi-finals match between china and malaysia in thomas cup, he will say malaysia. And he has this contagious childlike faith and enthusiasm that malaysia will win. Childlike faith in Christ, something we often forget how to have as we mature and grow don't you think? ;)

though hope is frail, it's hard to kill

2010-05-20T21:12:00.004+08:00

Exam week! These are truly the weeks where regret is the blood that runs in your veins. Haha, one week and two papers down, one more to go next week. I have a story to tell, so i thought it was the perfect way to keep my blog updated!

So here's what happened. I was at church after worship team fellowship last saturday, and hannah had worship practice after that, so i hung out and did past years for my paper on monday which was electronics. The first question was a short theoretical question which i could answer, so i proceeded to the second question. Note, i was still only in section A of the paper, which is usually the 'easier' section.

The problem was, i had no idea how to even start the question! The configuration was almost like the one i studied, and it was so stressful and nerve wrecking because i thought i had finished studying and doing the problem sheets, and can practice past years, but i could not do the question at all and had no idea whatsoever. I flipped the paper, and all the questions looked so hard. I was already feeling panicky at this moment, stressed and very worried for my paper which was in 2 days. So i texted dinesh to ask for help, and he said he did not come across such a question. I texted the question number, paper name, year and code to him. It took him a considerable time to reply and in the state i was in, it felt like forever. Then when his reply finally came, it was to say-

"Ms. Yang, that is a third year module. Our module is called electronic engineering and the code is ELD not END!"

I am in second year. PHEW! I know it displays a certain amount of ignorance and stupidity on my part, but i had no other reaction at that moment than RELIEF! I laughed and proceeded to find the correct paper. As for the real paper on the real day itself, it was a real blow to me because i knew how to answer the questions but my mind was just stuck. Nothing would come out, and i would just stare, pen poised and ready to write, but not moving. There were some near breakdown moments in the middle of the paper where i had to catch a couple of breaths, pray, and just tell myself to do my best. I felt so down after, but i am over it, i'm just gonna leave the rest to the Lord :)

The week has been alright as a whole. On monday before the electronics paper, an hour before exams, in the computer lab, i found sandesh playing football with chickens (??) on miniclip (he's always playing games before exams to destress) and wenshan eating his brunch and doing some last minute studying.

On tuesday, hiewmun (mechanical engineering), wenshan, kengmun and i found a quiet empty room in another building to study for our maths paper on wednesday, and hiewmun for her paper on saturday. The library is always over populated and noisy during exams.

Very friendly mafias

Maths was on wednesday, 2pm. At 12pm, through a series of calls and smses, we decided to watch robin hood after the paper. We brought along the two red sweaters, kengmun lending his to me, cause i forgot to bring mine, and everytime the place nottingham was mentioned in the movie, we felt inclined to stand and parade the sweater just because haha.

The sky at putrajaya, a nice divide

As weiwen would always say- one for the album! :) (that's woan wei- pronounced 1 way, and dinesh at the back with wenshan, by the way)

I got my electric drums! I forgot to upload that, will do another time, lazy to upload haha. It has been a great source of distraction + stress relieving tool. I am enjoying it so much! Wenshan dropped by on his way back to melaka today and we finally jammed. He refuses to admit it, but he is good on the guitar, piano and drums!

Looks like this is a longer update than i had intended it to be. Ok, back to studying!

P/S: There was a double rainbow on sunday, it looked really beautiful. This was the nicest picture i could take, sorry.

everyday is another good reason

2010-05-10T15:01:00.004+08:00

Wowowow! (as in, 3 wows, not a dog barking haha). That's probably how i would sum the period between the last post and this new one. It's been so long, that every time i think about updating, i just get stuck cause i don't know what or how to write anymore.

So, update! Hmm, i am almost at the end of my study break (oohh, no wonder i am subconsciously updating, to escape!) This means by the end of May, i will have officially finished the 2nd year of my degree, by God's grace. Gone were the days where people always asked me- how come it seems like you're forever in foundation? I wish they'd ask me again now haha.

Also, at the end of May, i will be going to the US for a summer orlando program by Campus Outreach! (http://www.coflorida.org/calendar.asp?action=closeup&ID=101947) It's pretty exciting, the program will be for 2 months, then hopefully we can do some travelling after that. I will be going with 4 guys from my university, and one girl from university malaya.

I have been craving for food a lot these days. Each time it's something new, but it only lasts as long as i take to get it. Like the other day, before i went to sleep, i was just talking to a friend and he told me about his sister baking chocolate cake. I craved for chocolate cake all night, until 6am, before i fell asleep. Then there were waffles, bananas.. all the funny stuff. I'm gonna work on my self control. It's all in the mind.. mind over matter right? Haha.

We should note that at this point after the 4 short paragraphs, my brain feels saturated already. So let me get a hang of this again, and i will be back with more. Hopefully the next one won't be when i am already in the US, from where also i hope to update through this blog more often!

Sorry for the pathetic update, i think peanut butter waffles are the best!

twice as much ain't twice as good

2010-03-02T20:23:00.006+08:00

I don't know if you've watched the latest hit tv series, Glee. I stopped watching halfway into episode 6 or 7 cause i found it kind of boring, no offence to Glee fans out there ;) Anyway, in one of the earlier episodes, there was this quote that said

"The only life worth living is one that you are passionate about"

And recently, just when i needed it the most, a good friend reminded me of the same thing which really helped me put everything back into perspective again.

I've got a passion for engineering, i've got a passion for sports, i've got a passion for music, i've got a passion for people...

but-

Studies get tough and i feel like i'm not good enough, even when i try so hard.

I've got a permanent knee injury which really limits me when i am playing sports.

My musical ability falls very short of greater talents whom i admire.

People around me are different in characters and personality, and may sometimes be discouraging, just as i may be to people around me too.

A lot of times, these kind of things can cause our passion to become so technical and competitive, that we forget the very reason we did it in the first place - because of the passion. We forget our love for it. It doesn't really matter how good i am at it, as long as i have given my best. I am doing it because i love it, i am giving my best because i enjoy it. Anything else is secondary, if not totally negligible.

Above everything, i have a passion for Jesus. I make mistakes in my walk with Him, stumble, even fall down. But by God's grace, i recover, having grown as a person, and with my passion for Him still intact. I may not be the best Christian ever, but as long as i give my best, God looks at my heart. He looks at our hearts. And at the end of the day, when all is said and done, that's all that matters.

It's definitely a life worth living.

we could make a feast from these crumbs

2010-01-26T20:56:00.003+08:00

Hello hey hi! I was debating between updating and writing a farewell post for Rachel Cha who just left for australia and who happens to be a really close friend. But i decided against the farewell post, at least not yet, since we managed to hold back all tears at the airport with much treasured laughter, it's better to keep the tears away till we are more accustomed to the distance haha.

So, i really do not know how to update from where i left it, so i'll just put random thoughts in points.

I appreciate time so much more during exam period. I am more sensitive towards how i spend my time. Example, i'm turning in bed unable to sleep and i think, "Man, i could be studying right now, what a waste of time!." Earlier, i was watching tv for 3 hours straight, but no, of course not, watching tv is not a waste of time at all!

The only good thing about exams is when i'm stressed, i don't have much of an appetite. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said now that exams are over.

Sherlock Holmes has got to be one of my favourite movies ever (and no, i don't have 200 favourite movies) I wish they made more witty intelligent hilarious movies like that.

Exams make me overreact. When i break my guitar strings during exam season, i'm like oh no, now i can't play i'm gonna die of stress! On a usual day if i break it, i'll just read a book or watch tv instead. Can always get a new set of strings the next day.

A friend reminded me of this: ikut resmi padi, semakin berisi, semakin tunduk :)

I think messy rooms actually LOOK nicer, different people have different opinions, shouldn't we respect that? hehe

Sometimes in the morning, my mum comes into my room, lifts the pillow that covers my face, and tries to hold a conversation with me about what i wanna have for lunch, what time i'm gonna wake up, am i going to uni to study, what bus i'm gonna take today etc (exam season, on days with classes she knows my schedule la haha), and then drops the pillow again. Needless to say the conversation is short, and the response very limited.

I broke both my sling bags, and rediscovered the joy of using a backpack. It's a miracle how what feels like a 5kg load in a sling bag feels like 1kg in a backpack. Ok so maybe it has something to do with even distribution of weight, but it rocks nevertheless!

I realised even when i'm crossing a one way street, i still have to look left and right, then i feel stupid when i cross, but i think it's for good measure haha

As we grow, we have to accept that people change. It doesn't have to be for the better or for the worse, they just change. People drift apart because of these changes whether you like it or not, life goes on.

I've run out of thoughts, so till next post, take care people :)

one step in front of the other

2010-01-18T15:45:00.003+08:00

I am backkk!! Even I myself don't remember when was the last time i updated cause the date doesn't show haha, i think need to make amendments to the template codes.

You know sometimes in life things happen that make you realise, there are more important things in life than what i am so occupied with now. You just need to look around to see that there are bigger things happening than, say, exams (*cough*cough* haha) or troubled relationships that take up all your time and energy. But give it a week, a month maximum, and we fall back into the same little hole we came out of for a little while.

Anyway, i am not trying to be philosophically cliche or anything, i just really love how the writer of this poem summarizes life, i love the meaning in his lines, so simply put, but speaks the deepest desires of our hearts so beautifully. I will be back for some updates on what's going on, but in the mean time, enjoy :)

“Two little lines I heard one day,Traveling along life’s busy way;
Bringing conviction to my heart, And from my mind would not depart;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one, Soon will its fleeting hours be done;
Then, in ‘that day’ my Lord to meet, And stand before His Judgement seat;
Only one life,’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice, Gently pleads for a better choice
Bidding me selfish aims to leave, And to God’s holy will to cleave;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years, Each with its burdens, hopes, and fears;
Each with its clays I must fulfill, living for self or in His will;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore, When Satan would a victory score;
When self would seek to have its way, Then help me Lord with joy to say;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep, In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e’er the strife, Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn, And from the world now let me turn;
Living for Thee, and Thee alone, Bringing Thee pleasure on Thy throne;
Only one life, “twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one, Now let me say,”Thy will be done”;
And when at last I’ll hear the call, I know I’ll say “twas worth it all”;
Only one life,’twill soon be past, Only what’s done for Christ will last. ”

C.T. Studd

because You live, my world has everything i need to survive

2009-11-07T21:44:00.002+08:00

Hello hello dirty fellows!

Let's get down to it. I had a pretty bad week in so many sense, and i was pretty glad when it was the weekend. But in everything, the joy of the Lord is my strength!

I got this email once from my aunt (her emails are probably the few worth opening) and it was an article written by rick warren and it talks about something like this. Life is going to be a series of problems. It's either we're in one now, we've just gone through one, or we're going to go through one. And it says this:

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on, and no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

If we spend all our time focusing on our problems, it only gets worse and we fall into self-centredness and self pity. The best way to get out of it, is to shift our focus onto God and others instead of ourselves.

In the email, it also reminded me this. God is more interested in my character than my comfort. Since i know that, i'm not going to waste precious time trying to get comfortable. I'm going to use the time to work on my character, to aim towards Christ-likeness.

Okay, enough self pep talk! Time to bring it out to practice into real life! Being positive is really tough, cause we always feel like we want to be negative 'just in case', so we have something to fall back on. Like it's wrong to be positive after all we've been through, perhaps it doesn't get us the sympathy we want from people. But we just gotta draw strength from God, not ourselves, and fight on.

Have a blessed week everyone! The joy of the Lord is our strength :)

in the wires that decide

2009-10-10T23:28:00.003+08:00

Hello! Okay, so i cannot help blogging about this cool thing i experienced this week. (besides the movie surrogate, tgv popcorn, and a slightly slower paced maths lecture yay!)

A few of my uni friends and I decided to go to this research and invention exposition at Kuala Lumpur Convention Center last Thursday cause there wasn't any class in the afternoon yet. Of course on the way, we caved in to Bruce Willis' new movie Surrogate + TGV popcorn (always the best choice!). This exposition features booths of Malaysia's higher institutes of learning's new inventions and research. It was really cool to see some creative inventions and for an hour or so i felt this awesome-nerdish feeling.

Well, let's keep this as short as possible. The main part is, there was this booth where the invention seemed to be a wheelchair. It's called (from my very bad memory) Brain Interface System for Robotic Use or something like that. So what was it actually? It's like this. The person who sits on this chair is hooked onto some stuff like probes to read their brain waves. Then once the whole setting up process is done, how it works is this. The user cannot move any part of their body, even the eyes, and needs to focus hard. If the user imagines his/her hands to move forward, then the chair moves forward. To move right or left, just imagine your hand moving in that direction and the chair follows suit.

I heard the theory, and I tried it out cause it was SO COOL. Some more right after watching Surrogates, this sort of technology awed me. Okay, I know it doesn't sound so cool with no visual and just me and my words but I'm sorry that's the best I can give you. The expo ended today. There is a video but I have to get it from my friend.

So yeah, that's it. What an awkward way to end haha. Oh yeah, Wenshan said a woman asked him if i was paralysed while I was trying out the chair cause I wasn't supposed to move anything at all and had to focus very intently.

Have a good week everyone!

lovingly He brought a new life that's free

2009-10-03T21:06:00.004+08:00

Update! I'm actually feeling like crap right now cause my nose has been running non-stop all day, but on the bright side the sore throat is getting better! So while waiting for the medicine to kick in, I'll update this dusty blog.

I finally had my first week of class after 4 months. It's been great, I guess first weeks are always more relaxing cause lab hasn't started and it's usually introduction of topics so it's not so hardcore stuff. I say 'usually' because just when I thought first week couldn't get any more relaxing, friday morning came. And yes, it's friday and for this week only it's only going to be a 2 hour class so it couldn't get any better right?

Definitely right.

Let me tell you straight it was the craziest maths class I have ever attended, and that's saying something cause I've had my fair share of out-of-this-world maths class. That said, I still have this fondness for the lecturer, I don't know why. She's like a mum. A mum who loves maths la.

So why was it crazy? Well, the moment the clock struck 9am, she started which is great cause punctuality is the key right. Her speed was that of a bullet train I am so not kidding you, and after one hour of non-stop (I stress that it was non-stop talking and writing notes) we thought she would give us a break, cause that's usually the case. We get a 5-10 minutes break an hour into a 2 hour lecture. But no. She continued like no one's business, and so the thought of a break (and at that moment, a much needed toilet break) was gone with the wind. Usually, if a lecturer doesn't give us a break, they finish about 20-30 minutes earlier so that was a motivating thought. Guess what? She went NON-STOP until 11am.

If it were a 2 hours class of some theoretical module (which yes, i grant you, is scarce in an engineering course) then at least one's attention could wander and it wouldn't be so tiring trying to catch up. But it was maths. Not just any maths, it's called Mathematical Techniques for E&E Engineers. Which means no one else in other engineering courses share this same module. Since foundation, every student regardless of their engineering course, share the same maths module. So I've always had this one friend from mechanical engineering who had a burden to help me in maths (bless her), of which I am very thankful.

So when my attention threatens to wander in class, I tell myself I can't depend on her anymore, I've got to put in more effort! Trust me, even the world's best multi-tasker will find it hard to digest new maths equations, techniques, while trying their best to copy the notes which the lecturer (due to her huge handwriting- no complains there) erases very quickly, and at the same time try to figure out just what in the world they are copying.

Basically, to summarise, if you were to spend even 5 seconds thinking "Boy, am I hungry, I wonder what's for lunch" or "Man, I sure need to go to the toilet", you'll suffer and be lost for the rest of the class. Which explains why my notes are clean with no scribbling at the last page because i totally lost her at the last 15 minutes of the class.

Started Bible study again, had ConneXion House Opening, climbed Broga Hill, slept early, woke early, had a good week in general :) Yes, I know I used like 5 paragraphs talking bout that one maths class and one sentence to describe the rest of the week- it was that crazy!

I'm glad tomorrow is Sunday, I love how I learn a little more each week of how to worship Him from my heart, and lay my burdens down at His feet and leave them there. I love how He gives me a quiet strength to go through another week where my fears and discouragement sometimes overwhelm me. I love how He loves me, and I love how that is starting to be my ultimate motivating factor despite all that I've faced, and will face. I love how imperfect I can feel one moment, and comforted by His perfection the next moment. I love how I am nothing and yet I can do things through Him who gives me strength.

Most importantly, I really love Jesus, and that's an amazing feeling.

We love Him, because He first loved us.

1John 4:19

Haven't sang this hymn in ages, but it has been playing in my head. I hope it blesses you the way it blesses me in the worst of days.

Love Was When

Love was when God became a man,
Locked in time and space, without rank or place;
Love was God born of Jewish kin;
Just a carpenter with some fishermen;

Love was when Jesus walked in history,
Lovingly He brought a new life that's free,
Love was God nailed to bleed and die
To reach and love one such as I.

Love was when God became a man,
Down where I could see love that reached to me;
Love was God dying for my sin
And so trapped was I my whole world caved in.

Love was when Jesus met me, now it's real;
Lovingly He came, I can feel He's real!
Love was God, only He would try
To reach and love one such as I.

can i doubt His tender mercy, who through life has been my guide?

2009-08-17T00:36:00.011+08:00

Just a short post. Blogging is really not as easy as it looks haha. So last week i spent every alternate day at the ConneXion student house in semenyih, off my university campus. In a nutshell, to enlighten you, we have a Bible study group on campus but now we're starting this student house too so we can have activities here and students can hang out. So basically this summer has been a Project Revamp.

So we were raking the grass right cause it was sooo long and if the grass cutting man (is there a better term? haha) were to rake it for us after cutting, it would cost an extra RM30 (!! yes it's a bungalow but it's not a mansion!) So we did it ourselves. It took about 4 hours spread out in 2 days.

Before raking it looks like this

you cant see it but it's actually more than an inch thick of cut grass

Then after tirelessly raking under the burning hot afternoon sun, obviously satisfaction is aplenty when we achieve this

However, one's happiness is short lived, when she looked over the fence at the neighbour's house to see this

Talk about a demotivator! Haha, but still, a cup of cold 100 plus does make up for it :)

adakah aku yang salah, atau hanya helah saja

2009-08-05T20:56:00.003+08:00

*click to enlarge*

I miss high school life and the people:)

there is someone here inside

2009-08-03T01:30:00.013+08:00

I am officially messed up. And i need advice on how to make this right. So, what am i talking about?

My sleeping time.

Ya i mean i obviously already knew that, cause for the last 2 months of my summer break, i have put in considerable effort to sleep as late as possible (i.e. 4am-5am). Don't blame me, it's called summer break reflex. [hint: denial]

Remember learning how if we touch a boiling kettle, our receptors in the skin sends a message to our brain to tell it that the kettle's hot and then the brain sends a message back and tells the hands to move away? And all these happens in warp speed because if it doesnt our fingers would have already turned into fried sausages by the time the message gets from the brain to our hands. And that's called reflex, which google defined as,

"An automatic instinctive unlearned reaction to a stimulus, without volition or conscious control"

So you see it's the same with my summer break reflex. 4 months of break from studies is like the boiling kettle. Spot the similarity? Okay la, maybe not the volition or conscious control part.

But i digress.

What stirred this feeling of,
"Wow, i really did mess up and i need to fix it." ?

Well, i had a long day today. After youth i stayed back for some practice and then went for a movie [ghosts of girlfriends' past, which incidentally i do not recommend (now i really have this urge to break into a song *be careful little eyes what you see, be careful little eyes what you see, for the Father up above is looking down in love, so be careful little eyes what you see*)]

Then of course, took the ktm home. And we all know how the ktm has a knack for causing advanced aging.

When i got home after dinner, i was really feeling sleepy (hint: shock!) so i went to bed at about 10pm. I was very happy cause i mean c'mon, i usually only feel sleepy in the range of 3.30am. So i slept. And guess what?

I woke at bout 11.45pm and just couldnt go back to sleep anymore. I felt wide awake! I was like what? No! I mean isn't there like this rule when you feel sleepy AT NIGHT you automatically sleep soundly all night?! After tossing and turning and trying to go back to sleep in total total vain-ness (okay that was very grammatically wrong i think, but i really wanna get a message across haha. i meant to say 'in vain' in case you did not understand), i gave up and here i am.

Although my body and i are not really on speaking terms right now (cause it refuses to help me out when i ask it to just go to sleep), i got a feeling we're just waiting for 4am to come.

Oh, it's only 2.18am.

I think i'll go read a book.

can't help but think that this is wrong

2009-07-29T17:51:00.003+08:00

I'm not a fan of lady gaga. But when i first heard her song Poker Face, the really upbeat one, i thought "hey, this is something." It's a nice song, but it's just not done you know? Then i heard her acoustic version, the one she did on american idol i think, and i was like, "well, we're getting somewhere, this is definitely better." A lotta people beg to disagree with me when i say that.

Guess what? I finally discovered a justified version of that song.

Be back soon with more than just a video (my first too!) update. In the meantime, i'm off to work on those acoustic guitar playing skills in hope that i can be half the musician jason mraz is.

it's my only hope of heaven, at the cross forgiven

2009-07-18T23:04:00.047+08:00

Adore09's Blogaway contest officially starts today! All you gotta do is write a post on your blog on A Generation Of HOPE, in anyway you want to, and send your URL to team.adore@gmail.com . Prizes up for grabs at Adore itself!

So, as an example, i'm posting my version on my blog. Details about Adore09 are as follow:

Date : 22nd August 2009
Venue : Main Sanctuary, KL Baptist Church
Time : ADORE09 Bash (4:00pm – 7:30pm)
Concert (7:30pm – 10:00pm)

...............................................................................................................................

The most obvious (and necessary) question to ask is,

What is HOPE?

When you're stuck in a traffic jam,

there is HOPE that the end is just around the bend (although you've been telling yourself that

10 bends ago)

When you hit snooze for the 5th time in the morning,

you HOPE that you will hear your favourite ringtone (in my case, mighty morphin power rangers :P) and get notice that class is cancelled for the day!

When you break your curfew,

you HOPE that miraculously the clock in your house lagged for just that 15 minutes.

When you step on the weighing scale,

you HOPE that somehow all the calories you so gluttonly consumed in the past week sunk with the Titanic. (yes, i am guilty as charged)

When you got news that Michael Jackson died,

you HOPED that it was just a publicity idea gone a little too far. (did you?)

When my grandad was diagnosed with final stage cancer, i HOPED that God is gracious and gives that extra one year so he can at least see my sister graduate, like he always wanted to.

Yes, we are a generation of hope. But is this what real hope is? An uncertainty we bank on, which if it happens, great. If not, well too bad. I'll try again next time.

If this is hope, it isn't much different from what people call chance, luck. I don't know about you, but i am not content with that. Thank God real hope is so much more.

Do you know what is hope?

HOPE is when you wake up in the morning knowing that God is going before you through your day in everything you do.

HOPE is when you face rejection of any kind, you know that there is One who accepts and loves you unconditionally.

*plays Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" in the background*

HOPE is when you had a bad day, you go to bed in peace, knowing His mercies are new every morning.

HOPE is when you fear, you know that He never leaves, He never forsakes us.

HOPE is when the future lies unknown, you know that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us.

HOPE is when we don't understand why we're going through what we're going through, but rest secure in the knowledge that all things work for the good of those who love Him.

HOPE is when you know your granddad is going to leave this earth soon, and even if God doesn't prolong his life, you know that it isn't goodbye, that you will one day be reunited with him again in heaven.

Hope is a promise in the face of uncertainties, trials, weaknessess, fear, loneliness... even death. It gives courage to overcome. Because of God.

Are you confused or lost? Do you find yourself hoping against all hopes but always being let down? We may be a generation of many false, make believe hopes. It's time to get our facts right.

JESUS is the real HOPE.

And if we choose to believe in Him, then we will learn and experience what it means to be a real

Generation of HOPE.

a thousand times i've failed, still Your mercy remains

2009-07-17T17:48:00.015+08:00

The title of this blogpost is how i've been feeling a lot lately.

I am such a sinner, making the same mistakes that affect others, displeasing Him over and over and over again. God's mercy spares me from the worse that could happen, and His grace lavishes me with blessings that not only do i not deserve, sometimes, i am afraid to receive.

Titus 2:11 speaks of the grace of God that we are soaked in. David Crowder in their new single, puts it accurately when they said 'if grace were an ocean we're all sinking'.

I have been feeling extremely unworthy lately. Unworthy of God's grace. Don't get me wrong. Yes, this is exactly the feeling that should live with us. 'Cause in fact, we are unworthy of anything from God. The very faith that we have is a gift (Eph 2:8). But of course this realisation of unworthiness, instead of drowning us in helplessness forever, should be channelled accordingly towards the way we live our lives, because we are not hopeless people. It should shine through every one of our actions, knowing we deserve nothing from Him who gave everything, all the more we should urgently live for Him.

Everthing i have is unmerited. Boy, that sure is a big blow to my ego. Sometimes i wonder where human pride comes from. Where my pride comes from. To know i am worth nothing. It must all have been built on lies. Lies that are refined until they resemble the truth. Told so often, that i myself start believing, hey, i am something of worth on my own.

I fear God. Revelations 8 talks about what happens when God's grace is taken away, and that scares me. To know that it is only the layer of God's grace that is shielding me from His own wrath. What's more, it isn't a thin layer. Such irony, the very thing that strikes fear in me, is the same thing that comforts me.

Our God is an awesome God.

we'll cry, but we won't give up the fight

2009-07-13T01:23:00.008+08:00

我真的很乱

i feel like i'm doing everything wrong. is this called growing?

sing your melody, i'll sing along

2009-07-08T23:13:00.013+08:00

The clock ticks.

It waits for no one. As time whizzes past in a haze of special days and ordinary ones, people that complete those days are often taken for granted. We say hello, we live the routine, occasionally doing something out of the usual, and then we bid each other goodbye. One day has passed.

On those rare occasions we flip (or in modern days, click) through pictures, flashes of stored memories from the past replay themselves. We miss the times, and wonder what changed. Nothing. Only we did not learn to appreciate the moment, or perhaps being creatures of short lived memories, we just simply forget.

Now that time is limited, every moment counts. The rush to load up on memories, to ensure the other doesn't forget this friendship, the useless wishes that time would crawl.

When what is really going to matter are those 'normal' everydays in the past, now but memories.

I really don't know what to say Jon haha. I guess i've said everything i wanted to in all our hang outs, farewell cards and sharings. Just one post for you before you leave. Just 2 years, we're gonna feel it, but we know time is gonna fly too:)

There's a consolation.

Memories last a lifetime=)

See you in 2 years have fun! xD

love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for

2009-06-29T20:31:00.004+08:00

I'm gonna turn 20, at the end of this year, God willing. I guess i'm at this phase where i have a lot of uncertainties about love. And the unknown future is constantly playing in my mind. Whatever phase we're in, this song is either a lesson, or a reminder. Read every word. Each word speaks.

Love is Not A Fight - Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we answer in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight
but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight
but it's something worth fighting for

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Chorus:
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight
but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

life's a climb, but the view's beautiful

2009-06-25T22:20:00.022+08:00

WARNING : Personally Experienced Cliche Post Ahead !

In an effort to fully utilise the time Jon has left in Malaysia with us (2 weeks! :(), we planned a day out that was slightly different than usual (i.e. no movies)

So it was laid out, we would go to my uni to play some badminton, go for lunch in broga (at first wanna eat pan mee, but because of the weather, change plans ate at an air conditioned place haha) and climb up broga hill (apparently it's also known as bukit lalang, but among my university friends, it's fondly known as broga hill.) After the first climb, joseph and i actually went up once more in the evening this time with hannah and waifong.

Prior to yesterday, i have never been up there. My uni mates have planned countless trips up there but i always did not make it. But i have seen pictures of the top on facebook. I tried going up with alvin rachel and joseph but we didnt make it to the top cause it was really impromptu and rachel was really tired after a long day of badminton. Plus, i wasn't sure if i was taking them the right way haha.

So back to the present (then), we (jon, faye and joseph) started climbing. It was uphill all the way so obviously it took a toll on us despite it apparently being a 'very easy hill' haha. But we just kept going. The other day with alvin and rachel, joseph and i got a glimpse of the peak when we went slightly further to scout how much more there is to go. And that measly preview was enough to make me wanna get to the top this time, no matter what.

It took a surprisingly short time. In about 20 minutes we got to the foot of the peak, i hope you get what i mean haha. This climb to the peak was the toughest of the whole climb. It was a clear picture of the phrase 'So near, yet so far'. The peak was just there, within our reach, and the route there seems so short! But it was steep, and every step takes much effort.

I am reading this book jeremy lent me, by Michael W. Smith titled It's Time To Be Bold. And there's this one chapter devoted to Christian friends, and it says - You'll Never Make It Alone.

How true is that? We need each other in life. Friends are a gift from God. Just like we needed each other's encouragement to continue the climb, we need each other to help face life.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

C.G. Jung

SO, we got there to the top, and i know it was an easy hill yada yada but the feeling to get there to the top and see it for myself (after many pictures from facebook, and one unfinished attempt) is one of slight overwhelmation (if there is such a word). Especially with so many things happening lately, it was hard not to use it as an analogy to life, now more than ever.

Yeah, everyone know life's a climb, cause no one is exempt from it. I have seen and am seeing so many people (including me!) questioning LIFE in general. When you pick someone's mind, ultimately, what's stirring in it is- life. The fragility of life gives and takes hope from everyone, and those who do not know Christ struggle with questions that may never be answered.

No, we Christians are not exempt from these questions. But one thing we have- is a goal. A final destination. Like the mountain, the peak is the goal. It gets tough, the desire to give up is a surety waiting to happen. Sometimes we get so burnt out, the peak just doesnt seem as inviting anymore.

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

Isaiah 40:31

Waiting is really hard. Case in point, i am waiting for my exam results now which i will get on monday. It's inside torture.

We wait for the ktm (!), we wait for that promotion that doesnt seem to be coming, we wait for that life partner God is preparing, we wait for God to show us that ONE thing in life we are seeking so badly. We wait for answers.

From much (dreadful) experience with ktm, one good thing that comes out of it, is my patience is built. Waiting builds character. In the time we wait, we come to the realisation that the Lord is the only One who can handle the situation we are in and our faith grows.

Fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. That gives us strength to carry on till we complete the race.

I want God's will to be done in my life, so i must learn to wait. And you know what?

It's not such a bad thing after all.

Thank You, Lord

Thank You Lord

for the trials that come my way

in that way I can grow each day

as I let You lead

and I thank You lord

for the patience those trials bring

in the process of growing

i can learn to care

but it goes against the way i am

to put my human nature down

and let the Spirit take control of all i do

cause when those trials come

my human nature shouts the things to do

and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored

i thank You Lord

with each trial i feel inside

that You're there to help lead and guide

my way from wrong

cause You promised Lord

that with ev'ry testing

that Your way of escaping is easier to bear

i thank you Lord

for the vict'ry that growing brings

in surrender of ev'rything

life is so worthwhile

and i thank You Lord

that when ev'rthing's put in place

out in front i can see Your face

and it's there You belong

on the outside shying away, on the inside dying to say

2009-06-10T22:45:00.006+08:00

Dear God,

I have a lot of questions for You. But right now there's just one that's bugging me.

Is there a line between hypocrisy and ignorance? How do i figure that out? Or maybe it just isnt my responsibility to distinguish between them. How do i act? Maybe 'act' is a bad choice of words. What should i do?

You've been really good to me. Closer than ever, even when i tend to stray further. You answer a lot of my prayers really quickly, though not all with answers that i'd prefer. But You are God, after all.

You taught me SO much in such a short span of time, and just when i think i've had enough and need a break from learning, You tell me learning is for life, and i dont get a break. You push me gently, to my limits, only to reveal my weaknesses. But there, You reveal Your power. You humble me, because i am always too proud, and You remind me again and again, You are all i need.

Everyday is a surprise with You, i never know what You would bring me through each new day. I've learnt to accept that, perhaps not as gracefully as i should, but again i guess that's learning.

People are my strength, people are my weakness. The fears that follow me are like the thorn in Paul's flesh. It feels like a thorn in mine. I'd never be able to understand why i have to live with these fears, or maybe, it's just not the time.

I've made mistakes along the way, some i'm glad i did. Some, i just look back in regret wishing, really wishing i could time travel and just get a chance to relive those moments. (still wishing, i know with You all things are possible!) But i guess all these moments are the ones that make me who i am, or maybe, going to make me who you want me to be.

Am i happy? Yes Jesus, I am happy, right here right now, and eternally grateful for all that You've done with me, and all that You will do. But i want more. I want this joy to stem from eternal sources, not earthly ones. I want all these struggles that pop up and punctuate my joy be worth something in my life later. I want to be a better person. I dont want to take sides. The only side i'm on, is Yours.

I guess all i'm trying to say is-

I need You. But You already know that.

So, thank You.

both a little scared, neither one prepared

2009-05-21T00:15:00.003+08:00

It's easy to boast about not fearing death when there is no imminent threat to your life. Easy to say, 'I'm not afraid of death! I know where I'm going and Who i'm gonna see right'?

But when death is closer, when your days are numbered in real finite digits, not just some unpredictable surety, do you wonder?

When i close my eyes here, will i open them straight away in heavenly realms? Will i, like in the movies, be lying on the ground, picking myself up to find white surroundings, approaching high gates to find my Lord. Or will He be the One who wakes me up and walks me into His courts? Will He be the first sight i behold at heaven? What would be my instinct reactions?

My imagination runs wild, till i'm hard put to contain it. Am i even ready to meet Him? Will we be as close as i claim us to be here on earth?

Perhaps not. So much more effort to be put into this relationship. So many more things that should stop being taken for granted, Some life revamping is in order.

It really makes you stop. And think.

Really think.

I Can Only Imagine - Mercy Me

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me

I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You

I can only imagine
I can only imagine

every sky was your own kind of blue

2009-05-17T23:12:00.002+08:00

because i think the chicken is so cute, and i love pushing it when it comes to rachel. and it helped me relax.

ah, the simple pleasures of life.

promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

2009-05-11T21:05:00.005+08:00

My youngest sister, rebekah's blog has this song by miley cyrus from the new hannah montana movie. It's called the climb. The moment i heard it through, the words struck a chord with me.

Ironic how this 'non-Christian' song got me to instinctively reflect my Christian life. I feel like these few months, i have been facing a lotta mountains in my life. The small ones, the bigger ones. I realised without really realising it before that they are the ones that are shaping me slowly everyday now, changing my view and take on some things, and making my heart right in gray areas. But at the same time, i realise these are the ones that are so wearisome, draining me of the will to keep going sometimes, because being human, i cant help but stop and think- i just don't have the strength to go on anymore. Lord, i'm tired.

I was chatting with wenshan, a uni classmate yesterday night. He's a really grounded Christian guy and i was just so discouraged in this one particular area of working with people and i was sharing with him and his words were so encouraging and i could tell it was spoken from experience.

I was flipping through the book by joyce meyer jon gave layyean on her birthday saturday morning, and i read something that said

It doesn't take any special talent to give up or lie down on the roadside of life and say, "I quit!"

Which is so true. So many times i just wanna tell God i quit! But i want to be different, and the way there is i've gotta first learn to get over life's disappointments and deal with them so they don't get me down. I can't afford to let them pile up and accumulate into something that drags me down later down the road.

Then i'm gonna let God pick me up.

2 papers down, 2 more papers to go. Can't wait, although i have to say in all my finals, i have never been less stressed. So blessed with many people encouraging and praying for me everyday you know who you are thank you=)

See y'all at the end!

i'm still holding on somehow

2009-05-04T16:17:00.006+08:00

Let's call this friend of mine Mr. L.

So we were studying in ringing silence in the meeting room and then all of a sudden,

hiewmun : who farted?!

Mr. L : *sneaky giggle* heehee it's me sorry.

clarence : it's the silent one!

weiwen & sarah: *leaves the room immediately*

Incidentally, he had char siew, siew yoke and ku lou yoke for lunch. Every dish possible for the swine flu pandemic.

I wonder if swine flu is airborne.

Barely 10 minutes later,

weiwen : *sings* ha-lle-lu-jah

clarence : *sings* here i go again~ (mamma mia song)

hiewmun, weiwen, sarah : *looks up* huh?!

clarence : what? i was just continuing - ... oh no!

*laughs*

who ever said study break is boring?

i'm too shy to ask, i'm too proud to lose

2009-04-30T22:09:00.022+08:00

Study week! Not really down with it yet, cause there still is time. It's parkinson's law. I can't help it.

Big time posers

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day

Exercise (this is cheating, we took this after our shower while waiting for the rest)

Poser lagi (it's raining outside!)

Taking a stroll around the lake to ease stress, never leaving the books behind haha

We really do study, honest

Anyway, it's been generally a pretty relaxing week for me, but mentally you can say i've been pretty active. I've used the week to really work on clearing my heart of all intents and purposes cause i want to be right before God. It wasn't a smooth sailing week in that aspect but i'm doing my best. I'm re-examining my motives, and asking God to help me do the right thing, act the right way even it there's something bigger, which in time He will show. A lot more work to be done on this heart.

Sometimes it's not about the right or the wrong, it's more of the 'is this the right time'? matter, so it's definitely not easy to adjust my actions around that. It's very frustrating, because i get so confused but i'm sure it's all part of the learning process.

Anyways, queenie lee has just consented to tempt me with krispy kremes just now so until now, i am still craving while she's off to pasar malam trying to find a substitute. Thanks a lot.

I dont need the fats.

you're never alone

2009-04-23T22:42:00.003+08:00

when all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me

2009-04-20T20:37:00.002+08:00

I know i'm supposed to be doing math now (test on wednesday) but i had this urge to blog about my monday haha which was nothing really special but an urge is an urge right? hmm, doesn't sound too right haha.

Anyways,

So we got home around 11.30pm yesterday after making a detour at shell to fill layyean's (car) tank and accidentally went into mcd's for chocolate sundae. I went to bed pretty early considering how late (or early depending on how you see it) i've been going to bed recently. It was harder to wake up in the morning than ever cause i knew i had to cover a few more topics for this electronics test i had today, but i got up without snoozing the alarm once haha.

Studied for about 2 hours and then hannah (on study break) woke up and for the next half hour or so we discussed about something that i want to but cannot share here but will as soon as it's not a secret anymore.. haha. Suspense leh?

Okay, my test begun at 3pm, and I left home at 2.30 cause usually it only takes me about 20 minutes tops to get to uni. Don't know what i was doing, i left home at about 2.35. At the toll, being the klutz that i am, i slammed my hand against the door frame while reaching out to pay the lady and skinned my thumb along with some flesh. It started bleeding but i didn't bother much and just wiped it away cause at that time i realised i had a chance of being late for this test.

Reaching uni at like 2.55, another problem. The parking was full. After a few rounds found a spot far from the exam hall. While rushing to the hall, i realised my thumb hasnt stopped bleeding so i had to make another detour to the washroom cause i thought washing it would help. It didn't. It just keep bleeding like my body had access blood and i had to get it all out. Rushing to the hall, i made it on time settled down and was still trying to stop the bleeding.

I didn't have any plaster with me so with no choice, i took a piece of tissue, wrapped it around the finger and stapled it together (cause alex only has stapler no cellophane tape haha) so as not to distract me during the test haha. On the test.. let's just say i know i've slacked and i'm determined to make it up during finals.

And to think when my mum said,
" Sarah, you leave at 2.30pm after you'll be late la."

And i replied,
"Don't worry la, wont wan."

Parents DO know best.

there's nothing left of this fool

2009-04-16T12:17:00.005+08:00

I feel like i'm barely hanging by a thread.

I haven't properly slept these past few nights, but no matter how late i stay up, the work seems neverending. Then there's that 2 tests next week that's weighing down my conscience all week telling me to start preparing but there's just no time for it. And finals are around the corner but we can't even afford to think about it yet.

Then there's camp preparation. Then i get a mail saying that we(bible study group on campus) are not supposed to screen dvds without approval and they need a synopsis of what we're watching.

Then there's people matters. So many people to deal with, so much patience and wisdom and humility required.

All these are already pulling me down but it doesnt matter so much cause i can still deal with it and i'm getting loads of help which really is a blessing.

What i can't deal with is the emotional stress. When out of nowhere i remember the fear. The fear that weighs me down more than anything else. I know everyone has fears, but what i can't understand is why i can't face up to this fear. It's not a big deal to anyone else, but why is it bothering me so much? I'm so, SO SICK of this.

Get over it already.

would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

2009-04-10T13:13:00.023+08:00

What a week! It's been a really bittersweet week for me. To think that 4 days can bear so many emotions.

Stress is reaching maximum level, but somehow i still manage to hold it together. My partner and i have this project, a calculator, and it didn't work and for one week there was that crazy troubleshooting cause this project we're only given 4 weeks = 12 hours to come up with a fully functioning calculator. By God's grace (my lab partner, jon's a Christian too, which is awesome) we found the problem in the last 5 minutes of our last lab and everything just fell into place. Couldn't have done it without jon. But that's just hardware, now we're getting into full gear software.

Our workstation

You can imagine how it feels like to finally see this word!

Then there's another lab and another project with 2 other different partners, where i'm blessed again to have great partners.

Everything is due this month, and to top it all off, lecturers are having in-class tests that carry 10% each every week!

But studies aside, i've also been carrying the thought of the cross around with me more than ever all week. It's amazing how that memory never grows old, always seems as fresh as ever. As heartbreaking as ever, but then as joyful as ever.

I've heard of the Lifehouse Everything Skit quite some time ago, when a guy friend quietly admitted to me that he teared after watching the video. I checked it out, but it didn't have much effect on me. Sure, it was touching. But at that point in time, it just didn't have any effect on me, cause i guess i've also seen such skits before so it was nothing phenomenal.

Now, after weeks of practice with the youth cast of the exact same skit, i only need to listen to the song to visualise the acting. And last night, while preparing the ending video to the skit for tonight and easter, the song broke my heart.

Okay, as huge an influence as music has in my life, i've always been careful, cause i never want to be touched just because the music at that moment was right, or the atmosphere at that moment just climaxed. So let me tell you what just hit.

You're everything.

That line just broke down a lot of what i've been fighting with recently. The struggles that i've tried to share, but ultimately find that only God will fully understand.

Is everything fixed? No, of course not. The struggles will still have to be fought, the fears will still have to be met, and the pain will still have to be faced. But it doesn't hurt, to know that this God cares. This God, who went through so much more than i can ever fathom, who knows what i am going through, and who went through worse because He loves me.

He was broken for me. What can't i face with Him? What can be so great He cannot carry me through it?

So as we remember His sacrifice, as we walk through His life here on earth, as we walk through that night in Gethsemane, as we realise it was our hands, our sins that nailed him to the cross, may we remember just how much He loves us. And find comfort and strength in that.

He is everything.

there's no greater joy

2009-04-02T21:16:00.007+08:00

than knowing that we are being held in everlasting arms.

Ahh, it's been a hectic semester and all these will only end at the end of May. Good in a sense that it's a balanced kind of hectic, not just studies(though that alone i can lament forever, but let's keep focus here).

We finally pulled off the Kirchoff Charity Race, an event I was heading this semester, organized by the Institution of Engineering and Technology, of which I am the director of publicity. So basically, it's like the amazing race around uni where I was determined to ~~torture~~ encourage the participants to run more cause of what happened to us(TOU2GH youth) when michelle organized another race where I almost died(because of samuel grrr) haha. But that's a whole different story.

So it was pretty cool, we hit the target of 20 teams(2 per team) and then 2 more! It was really fun, I didn't head any stations cause I wanted to cycle around and see how everyone was doing. I had the most amazing committee behind me, without which none of my plans would succeed. We raised RM600!! when we only expected like RM200 so that was great.

Okay i cannot elaborate on everything I have been up to or this will be longer than you would like it to be haha.

Here's the thing. As busy as my weekdays are, they are nothing compared to my weekends. Or maybe it's cause weekeend is only 2 days. I feel like my weekdays are used to recuperate for weekends. But at least weekends are fun, no stress;)

There are those meetings on weekends, movies we cannot deny sometimes(heheh), practices, just everything that always takes up my weekends, and willingly I give them up haha. This weekend especially saturday is gonna be a 7 to 11 deal again but am looking forward to it.

Studies.. the usual. People talk about studies a lot, so i'll give it a rest and just say that my studies life is just like that of a typical student:)

God has been close all these while, and i guess that's really all that matters. As busy as I am, I have learnt and am still learning to blend everything together. Everything in moderation right?
Oh, and thank God for family and close friends. Really.

Am still losing hair. Hmm, weird way to end but gotta go eat freshly baked chocolate cake now so.. haha

I am so blessed.

even when i fail You

2009-03-22T22:09:00.002+08:00

I know You love me.

You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me.
I know You love me.

I know You love me.

filled with His goodness, lost in His love

2009-03-05T10:41:00.002+08:00

Hello hello I know this site is screaming for an update and I am dying to give a very detailed one but I just don't have the time. This post is squeezed between waiting for pages to load and stuff just to let you guys know I'm alive and kicking haha.

I'll fill you in on everything that's keeping me busy the moment I find time for myself okay.

I am so occupied I'm hard put to find a moment to myself. Which is not a bad thing, but I am still learning to do everything with cheer and not affect people around me just cause I'm having a bad or super stressful day. And to make time for people and not just be so absorbed in things that I am doing I forget it's the people around me that matters to Jesus.

What keeps me going when all the motivation is just not there anymore?

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
Colossians 3:23

I do my best in everything for God's glory. That's what keeps me going.

this is my anthem, this is my song

2009-02-15T20:55:00.003+08:00

Sara Groves- He's Always Been Faithful

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me.

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I've heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He's always been faithful, He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful to me

And with that assurance,

I'll get through this week.

the colours are brighter and the air is sweeter taste

2009-02-13T22:33:00.009+08:00

Feeling down constantly and giving in to fear just won't do!

So I'll try not to.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Philippians 4:4

I had a long but really fun day. Finally managed to visit soo aun kor at his office at time square, which is a music store called SMX. I tried the guitars there for a bit, and then he showed me some equipments around the store which were awesome! I even got to try this mini thing like a dj's and spun the disk to make the oh-so-famous scratching sound djs make haha. Went for lunch at Wendy's and it was really nice to catch up with him.

Then I went for slumdog millionaire with Joseph since he got off early that day. He's working in starbucks at time square by the way, and since I'm doing okay after drinking his handmade ice blended chocolate cream chip, it's a pretty good sign so guys, head on there!(free advertisement haha)

Okay, slumdog millionaire was really nice, cause it sort of depicts the reality that we choose to ignore. I don't summarise well so go watch it yourselves cause it's worth watching. Though at the end of the movie a bit potong la cause they just had to start dancing like some hindustan movie. Oh well, we gotta be true to ourselves right? Haha.

Whoops, don't worry, that's like right before the credits ady, I didn't say anything about the movie to spoil it for you- I hope;)

I'm having a really busy semester and it can only get busier, but I'll just elaborate on this in another post next time.

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
-Marcel Archard

Oh so true.

Thank you Dorcas for sharing this song, it speaks volumes to me, especially now.

I'm a Sanctus Real fan but never heard of this song. Not such a fan after all, I guess haha.

P/S: They were featured in a taylor's guitar magazine, the lead guy Matt Hammitt plays a taylor in the music video.

Sanctus Real - Whatever You're Doing

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...
(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Another long day tomorrow, have a great weekend everyone;)

so take me as you find me, all my fears and failures

2009-02-12T14:29:00.003+08:00

There are times I feel like I've exhausted my source of people to share with. But in the end, I still feel the weight.

Some things, they have to be faced alone because that's just the way it is.

Ironic, to have so many friends, but to know that that specific thing tomorrow will bring has to be dealt with by myself. I really am trying with how I know best.

Sometimes,

I feel so alone.

maybe redemption has stories to tell

2009-02-07T01:48:00.002+08:00

Self-pity is a really dangerous thing to fall into. We feel sorry for ourselves in a lot of circumstances. I'm not diminishing the fact that we may be victims in situations, but face it. Self-pity is not going to make it any better. In fact, it makes it worse.

What poison is to food, self-pity is to life.
-Oliver C. Wilson

Yes, life is unfair. So, what's new? It's life, and wallowing in self-pity doesn't help. It narrows our thinking, and makes bad situations look worse. Sometimes, we don't really have the whole picture but start being sorry for ourselves which deepens that misunderstanding.

Walking with Christ can warrant a lot of self-pity times. We sometimes get treated like crap by people whom we keep trying to be nice to. Jesus Himself was in many such situations. But He did not feel sorry for Himself, He focused on that greater purpose. No, we're not perfect, but we all gotta start somewhere.

There is only one way to end a self-pity cycle: stop comparing yourself to others, and simply follow Christ.
-Linda Harry

Everyone goes through it. We are not alone. Our greatest example led the way, we can only follow. And here's a painful truth, sometimes we ourselves are the problem. We keep blaming and pointing fingers not realising we are our own source of pain. Dag Hammarskjold put it best and I quote,

Is life so wretched? Isn't it rather your hands which are too small, your vision which is muddled? You are the one who must grow up.

Enough said?

I hope so. I really do.

you don't wear my chains

2009-02-05T01:59:00.005+08:00

It's 2am and I'm still awake, not because I want to mess up my newly repaired biological clock again. I am facing a 5 day weekend(thursday to monday) cause thursday class starts next week and this semester I actually get fridays off!!

Naturally, since there is no class tomorrow, I can't bring myself to go to bed despite the fact that I have been feeling sleepy since this afternoon(new record). Only thing is, I just remembered though there's no class tomorrow I still have to go to uni to get some data entry done in the head of my faculty's(EEE) office with a few others. One of the perks of being a committee member. Not.

So like a true rebel(haha, far from it) I am defiant enough to post this post up before hitting the sack. I really hope I can wake tomorrow. Though I only gotta be there at 2, you probably know how our mind develops this thinking that if there is no class, you have the permission to feel sleepy and continue sleeping until mid afternoon.

I'm gonna go battle the bed bugs now.

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come

-If We Are The Body, Casting Crowns

leave out all the rest

2009-02-03T20:37:00.005+08:00

If you just happened to have seen my facebook status, you would know that I bumped into Mr Wong Choong Hann. Okay, if you do not know who is Wong Choong Hann, please utilise google. He is only like a professional badminton player!

So when I say we 'bumped' into him, we didnt literally bump into him. Here's what happened. Today after class at 3 we were supposed to go to kamhing and hing's open room for cny la together. I had a meeting so weiwen waited for me, and then we met up with dom, steph and clarence at the sa(student association) building and together with hing we got into weiwen's car. In the time it took for everyone to get settled in, I just happened to glance outside the back windshield and saw this guy, a girl and an older man. The guy looked really familiar but I just let it go as another familiar looking guy I see around campus everyday. Then as the car started moving, steph screamed(and I mean screamed)

'IS THAT WONG CHOONG HANN??!!'

And at that moment the recognition came back and it clicked! And i was like 'Oh my goodness, yes! It's Wong Choong Hann!' We all swivelled around to get a better look, but the car was moving and they were further away already. So obviously we made weiwen(actually he was the only guy who was screaming along with us in the car) turn into the next intersection that leads into the resident halls where WCH was headed. In the car, there was chaos! Weiwen was obviously still shouting, clarence was asking who is wong choong hann(=.=) and steph and I were busy looking for paper and pen to get his autograph. Dom was unacceptably unfazed by this obviously major incident. Our bags were in the car, but hing whipped out his pencil case and er, PAR(personal academic records) form and gave them to us.

Not wasting any time, we jumped outta the car and ran towards him, still slightly hesitant. I mean we weren't completely sure it was him. But why take the risk right? So I just went up to him and er, asked him if he's visiting. Then I asked if we could have a picture with him. The moment he said 'Sure!', it was obvious we hadn't mistaken his identity. So i gave my phone to the older man(who happened to be his dad, not the tour guide which I initially thought!) who passed the phone to WCH's sister instead. We got into position, and then my battery became low and wouldnt take! Of all the times! And steph's phone was in her bag.

So I told steph to get his autograph first while I ran back to the car to call hing to bring his phone! All these in the pouring rain. But it was all worth it.

Hing didnt even notice WCH, but he actually noticed the sister. I wasn't noticing her, but apparently she was really pretty. Guys, right? Put WCH right in front of them, and they wouldn't notice(except weiwen haha) cause they're too busy staring at his sister.

Anyway, the exhilaration lasted in hing's room throughout the time we were there. And steph and I are pretty convinced that this is a sign that Jason Mraz is next on our list of 'bumping-intos'. And he might even give away his guitar.

I'll try to snap back to reality real soon to give y'all a real update.

i can't wait to wake up tomorrow and find out this promise is true

2009-01-27T23:52:00.043+08:00

It's been the most awesome chinese new year so far, as far as I can remember. Why? Cause for the first time ever, we(my family and I) balik-ed kampung to KT(kuala terengganu not kajian tempatan) for cny! A lotta things happened so I think the best way is to do it one day at a time.

Day 1

We left in the wee hours of saturday morning, as in 5 am. I slept at 3.30am, woke at 4.30. You get the picture. This early departure(fuyoh) was to beat the traffic and to have one day to just go around. We were planning to stop by kuantan for brunch at a famous curry noodle store that we used to go to when we stayed in kuantan for about a year or so(when we were still kids). The curry noodles in this store has memories to me(though i obviously cant remember). When I was about 2, I somehow in someway took my mum's packet of boiling curry noodles and put it on my right foot. Big mess, long story short, it's scarred till today.

But I digress.

The shop was closed as we should have expected I guess. We(my dad haha) were hungry so we settled for mcdonalds', by teluk cempedak!(er, a beach heheh)

Inilah wajah budak-budak bangun pukul 4 pagi tak breakfast lagi

After breakfast, we walked along the beach and the bridge there to digest the breakfast so there'll be room for more at terengganu, which is the main attraction haha.

Parents at teluk cempedak(no, there werent any cempedaks there. Got mcD and kfc)

It took about 3 hours to reach kuantan. Moving on, it was gonna be another 3 hours to terengganu but I dont know what we did in the middle, we only reached KT at 3pm.

First things first, we had to check into our hotel. My dad booked 3 hotels, cause we dont know which is clean and stuff. So we stopped by the first one and my dad, mum, and hannah went in to survey the room. Dont know why bekah and I were asked to stay behind.

Making full use of the space to stretch- for a limited time only

The team came back and reported a failed cleanliness check so we headed for the second one, grand continental, where we stayed before so basically it was sort of settled that we're gonna stay there. Still, parents went in to check check first. Nope, no pictures this time haha.

After checking in, we wasted no time. Full of adrenaline and excitement, my parents started the tour for our benefit around KT(where my dad grew up, mum lived, and hannah and I were both born. Bekah 100% budak kajang haha) We were scouting for- what else- food! Dad was really excited to take us around a tour to gain weight, which I am sad to say, worked. We attacked the keropok lekor first, at the losong street which is like lined with keropok lekor stalls. It's crazy. Why dont we get these in selangor?

Looks can be deceiving haha

Of course, we(I) fell for the sales. You would too, trust me. At night, we went for dinner eating all the famous nasi(s) and then hannah went to shop for her birthday present from bekah. While they were trying on shoes, kamhing(my uni mate also from terengganu) came to meet up and say hi.

Day 2

Second day! Reunion dinner was at night and we were excited to meet with people who all share the yang surname. We've never experienced that. Usually we're the only yangs. But before that, there's another whole day in front of us so in the morning it was nasi minyak! Terengganu is famous for nasi dagang, nasi minyak and keropok lekor la to name a few. So that morning our dad brought us to have the famous nasi minyak john.

No, i'm not majoring in photography.

Then it was the famous batu burok beach. It's amazing.

Dad's guard objects.

We went to walk around chinatown to get something for hannah's kai ma(stepmum?).

Showing some love

I started out wanted to post in detail *semangat*, now malas ady haha. So after visiting her kai ma, we went sightseeing at some place I cant remember the name.

And THEN,(fuh) it was the famous pasar something something(also can't remember the name). Note that through all these we did considerable amounts of eating.

I have NO idea.

Finally, it was time to go back and freshen up for the reunion dinner! And the first thing we noticed when we got there was that there were four tables labelled 'Mr. Yang'. How cool is that?!

One part of our cousins haha. It's a pretty big extended family. A professional photographer actually took a picture of the whole family on the first day of cny. Hopefully we'll get it soon.

This is why I dont upload a lotta pictures to iring my blogging. Cause it messes up the layout everytime I upload a picture. Anyways, moving on moving on.

Day 3

First things first... breakfast! You get the picture now right? haha. This time it's nasi dagang.

Jalan Banggol was where my dad grew up so while waiting for our uncle to get the nasi dagang my dad walked around the place and met some people who remember him from when he was still a kid growing up!

This was before 9am! By 9.30, they were packing up to go home.

There was some time before we had to 'assemble' at our granduncle's house so my dad brought us to the beach again since we love it so much! Bekah decided to set a fashion statement.

Cheongsam at the beach

When we got there, my mum said dont get ourselves wet. Guess what was the first thing I did?

I got myself wet.

It's the waves I tell you.

She sells seashells by the seashore

Skip skip and then it was truly Chinese New Year time(aka angpau time!) We went, saw, and collected! Haha, it was really fun the cny atmosphere in the house. There were more nasi dagang and keropok lekor there. What else? Attack!

That's us and my grandaunt with my great grandma. She's a pretty awesome lady

We hung out, played with the kids, took pictures, and after the official photography session with the pro, a few of the families headed to my great grandma's sister's place. Hung out more, and then we went back to the hotel to get some rest. We met again for dinner at a japanese steamboat place. I have never felt fatter.

Day 4(LAST DAY!!)

It was pretty sad that we had to leave already. We really wanted to stay but there's family here that we gotta celebrate with as well. In the morning, we had breakfast with hannah's kai ma's family first, checked out the place again(the one that i dont know the name of) and then headed home.

Family pic(the crazy one). As you can see only the kids conceded

We were supposed to be jumping together.

On the way home we stopped at kemaman(which is still terengganu but 3 hours away from KT, and halfway home) cause my mum wanted to drink hai peng coffee which we didn't get to do on the way there cause it was packed. Well, it was still packed(haha) but we went anyway. I was(am) so addicted to the teh ping there I had two cups. Wanted more but didn't wanna risk having to go to the toilet in the middle of the highway. *sedih*

This is addictive stuff

Fed and watered, we journeyed home. Got stuck in a jam on the karak highway for about an hour! Got home at about 11pm. Missing terengganu and the people already, but no time to mope! It was hannah's 21st birthday an hour later. She spent the first few minutes of her birthday in the shower. What a way to start!

We 3 sisters learnt more hokkien in one trip than our lifetimes. They all speak hokkien. We even have an malay cousins(aunties i think but younger than us haha) who speak hokkien, english, mandarin and of course malay, fluently!

I'm so patience-less now after all the picture moving and layout arranging haha. Next update probably on hannah's birthday. Watch this space.

editted: i have no idea why the fonts are like this, and i've played around for quite some time but can't get them to synchronize.

You're everything good in my life

2009-01-22T21:06:00.007+08:00

I find myself spouting words in no sensical order, trying but failing to string these words into sentences that properly phrase what my heart is beating. The feelings, desires, struggles all racing each other out, wanting you to know. Trying to make you understand me.

You already do.

no way to take it all back

2009-01-19T19:44:00.030+08:00

SO. My finals are finally over, no lame pun intended. I've spent days dreaming in between tutorial questions, nights rolling about unable to drift off, all these sweet escapes, waiting for this day to come. So tell me why I don't feel that euphoric explosion I was confidently expecting, much less a relief from this tight constriction that seemed to have wedged itself somewhere in between my left ventricle and my aorta(read: biology) since this war began(while you're at it, look up exaggeration).

I'm sorry if those two don't correspond with each other, I spent biology classes with ever faithful friends at the backmost of the class sketching the teacher's face. Needless to say, our drawing skills didn't go much farther than that of biology. Trust me, that alone can fill blogs, NOT that it's necessary to publicise every classroom escapade.

Anyhow/hoo/way, this absence of anticipated joy has a reason behind it. The last paper was a tough cookie. Biscuit, cracker, whatever. Sorry for my sudden transformation into a bad quality thesaurus(transformers, clarence?) C programming has always been my weakest subject, one I wage war against, and today was no exception. Okay, to be fair, I could run a few programmes. But running them and getting them the way the questions wants it is different.

So after the paper, I wasn't really in any mood to celebrate. My classmates went jolly happy to KL, but I didn't feel like it. I had lunch with my friends from different engineering courses whose last paper is tomorrow, sadly. Haha, and with some secret concoction, they picked up my mood a little.

After two weeks of spending every single day except sunday here--->

Holed in from 10am till 5pm, one hour lunch break of course, suddenly you feel a little lightheaded. Not knowing where to go and what to do(but of course, this unacceptable feeling will only last for one day tops haha). Coming home, after dinner, there is no notes waiting to be carelessly flipped through, tutorials to be dutifully dreading, or past year papers that are one of those little accomplishments that give you the permission to feel like you've 'upgraded' and are almost ready for D-day. Only for a little while.

Hold your fire, I don't miss the exams you-gotta-be-chocolate-covered-nuts to miss em. It's the routine, yeah, that's it.

I will be going for my first dental appointment to tighten my braces since I put it on a month ago. Thinking of changing to red, cny ma. But I mean who gives up green for red? And what if I look like Edward Cullen after his meal?(No sirree, I didn't watch the movie or read the books but the hype surrounding it is enough for the katak hiding under the tempurung to know who Edward is. He is a vampire)

How now brown cow?

but you've already figured out

2009-01-07T19:27:00.006+08:00

How is it that the equations that will be given I can't help remembering, but those that won't be I can't seem to remember? Too many concepts to master in too short a time. Why oh why did I never try when time was a luxury I could afford?
The lamentations of a typical student, or not.

I've only just realised the one thing that can keep putting on weight through vigorous exercise is my brain.

See y'all at the end of the tunnel.

so far, we are so close

2008-12-29T19:53:00.016+08:00

Bing Bang Ding Dong BOOM!

and then it was 2009.

So, maybe not yet. But we're so close. What's another year? I guess it's another challenge. Another year of growing in our walk with Christ. And another year of just enjoying His working in our lives. Another year of trying to be that someone we wanna be so bad, but find it so hard to be. Christ-like.

Resolutions? I gave up on that, that's if I ever begun with it(Always centered around shedding pounds which never worked anyway). I find the best way for me to have resolutions is if I just do it you know? Drops the pressure a little.

If I'm gonna have one, the only one would be for me to just keep learning to live my life the way God wants me to. And that's pretty general so I guess it covers a broad spectrum which is just as well. And I'm sure it's one that's gonna keep me busy for the rest of the years God's gonna bless me with. Bits of these details? Those blogposts i try so hard to keep consistent over the year heheh.

I have so much to be thankful for, family I can count on, parents I can always look to as examples on how to live my life, friends who I am so blessed with, and most of all God's presence with me in every single moment I go through, good and bad. Truly, He is my closest friend. I am so blessed.

It's good to look how far He's brought us, not losing sight of what's ahead. I want to gain closure in this chapter of my life before a new one unfolds, but in the end, closure or not, I can rest assured He'll still take me through the next year.

You have made know to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.
Psalms 16:11

A hymn that echoes my heart's desire as 2009 approaches. I remember so well singing it when i was still a kid. Through the years, He's taught me the truth of these words. With God by my side, i say bring it on! haha

Another Year Is Dawning

Another year is dawning, dear Father, let it be
In working or in waiting, another year with Thee.
Another year of progress, another year of praise,
Another year of proving Thy presence all the days.

Another year of mercies, of faithfulness and grace,
Another year of gladness in the shining of Thy face;
Another year of leaning upon Thy loving breast;
Another year of trusting, of quiet, happy rest.

Another year of service, of witness for Thy love,
Another year of training for holier work above.
Another year is dawning, dear Father, let it be
On earth, or else in Heaven, another year for Thee.

Jesus, You are so, so good.

live the moment

2008-12-19T19:59:00.006+08:00

Finally, finally, it's the end of the semesters and i get a break. A study break, but nevertheless. I have about two weeks to study for my finals in January, one that i'm pretty worried about because of some reasons that i will not go into.

Anyway, it's almost Christmas! So i'm gonna cut myself some slack and take a short(and i would like to think, well-earned) break before plunging into the study mode again. Just a short update. I don't have much to blog about now, pretty busy with plans before Christmas and everything. Did my Christmas shopping yesterday with Joseph and bought for everyone except my mum! I think she reads my blog sometimes so i wont go into details on why and what i plan to do and stuff just in case:)

I have something to tell y'all but i'll keep it for another day haha. Adios!

Once in a lifetime means there's no second chance

2008-12-10T14:17:00.017+08:00

Random. I actually played pin the donkey's tail at some shopping mall when i was a kid. And I actually managed to get it right and won a piggy bank. Only, mine wasn't a pig. It's a poor man who got his head slit open so kids like me are encouraged to save money. I have him up till today. I just don't use him anymore.

It's funny, when on the rare occasions today people mention pin the donkey's tail, I feel pretty ancient though i grant you that the game probably existed long before I did. It's not hard to win, really. You just gotta get a rough idea of the donkey's tail's position before they blindfold you. I think this sort of game was created to boost children's confidence, if not just to make them happy.

End of random post.

I can't wait for this week to end. But life goes on regardless, right? People still need Jesus when I'm trying to finish assignment after assignment

let my walk speak loud

2008-11-28T15:29:00.006+08:00

It is not easy to live what you believe. It's harder standing up for it. It's so difficult to be different, sometimes even among those of the same faith.

I am so tired.

because this moment's really all we have

2008-11-21T23:02:00.009+08:00

So here's the deal. I was chatting with weiwen online and he was just telling me how he's preparing for his presentation, and we were just talking bout the hectic-ness of uni life. Then somehow we(I) got to the topic of me being fat and weiwen being weiwen starts rebutting all my points. Here's the gist of part of our conversation:

me: i am fat and that's a fact face it.
weiwen: no, you're not fat. anyway being thin is not that good also.
me: then? average right
weiwen: you are optimum
me: ??
weiwen: din't you learn bio? optimum=just nice.
me: i told you i almost always failed bio.
weiwen: if you want to know whether you are fat, go and look in the mirror and check if you're fat or not.
me: go to sleep tonight assured in the knowledge that i am fat.
weiwen: in the end, u are taking the whole journey back to the initial point.

If you noticed, weiwen tends to use a lot of, er, technical terms in his conversation i.e. optimum, initial point. No, i did not start because i wanted to feel good and have someone say i'm not fat. Weiwen is like a person you talk to at a pillow party.(one reason why i miss having him in my classes) I just tell him and enjoy the conversation that ensues because he's a guy and he makes me laugh. No, i do not have a crush on him haha.

Anyway, you all have a good weekend.

Your grace is enough for me

2008-11-15T00:37:00.018+08:00

I didn't have classes today(only today) and so a battle ensued within me. Either i go to uni to get some questions answered by my lecturer(and celebrate kamhing's birthday) or i sleep in. I haven't had a chance to sleep in since forever, and by sleep in i mean 10am not 4pm yes i know, the world is changing. First obama, now me. I keep telling myself you're gonna get to sleep in for 4 months next summer just keep at it now!

See, being a barely average student, who gets good grades by God's grace alone, and by alone i mean alone alone, (which when i come to my senses and think about it, is actually the best thing to be proud about) i struggle a lot to keep up, and it doesn't help that i'm lazy. I think i've stressed enough in my previous post(s) about this attribute that i'm not proud of.

I am experiencing in a whole different way what it means when God said His power is made perfect in my weakness (2Cor 12:9). It doesn't mean when i don't feel weak his power is limited. It's just that when i realise how powerless i am, i begin to realise just how great He is. I fully rely on Him. When i think i have something to boast about, i take a lot of the glory unconsciously(excuses). But when i feel helpless i realise it's all Him, it was never me. My pride takes a hike, and i admit my limitations to embrace His sufficiency.

What's on my mind? Work, report, study, coursework, assignment, projects, tests and what not. I am stressed out, worried and everything a typical student is when all the work pile up. Inferiority rears its ugly head out sometimes and makes things worse. But somehow when i so desperately seek some sort of comfort, Jesus gives this peace which transcends all understanding.

His grace is enough.

you count it strange, so once did I

2008-11-08T21:26:00.007+08:00

I love public transport. I love ktm. I mean how can you not love it right? The crowd, the shoving, the delays(hint: sarcasm)

So i took the ktm with hannah today to go to church for sketch practice. When i got into the train, somehow i got stuck in a spot where i couldnt move anywhere else. And beside me was this man around 50 who was sweating like no one's business which is perfectly fine i mean everyone sweats. The problem i have is that he just had to stand in the arms-raised-armpits-at-my-face position. I know it was a saturday morning and everything but the train wasnt that packed. In fact, by usual ktm standard, it was perfectly comfortable.

He couldve stood in a less smelly position or at least move his armpits somewhere where there wasnt anyone's face in the way inhaling his stink. That guy has major B.O. issues and don't get me started on how he was so annoying he had to move forward when i did to get some fresh(er) air, and move backward when i did to avoid him again, all the while spreading his offensive smell. I could not breathe, i am serious. So it's like i take one breath and try to make it last as long as possible before taking another.

So you can imagine my relief and desperate air-gasping when he went down at the next station. To avoid another such incident, i moved in a little towards a pole. Another mistake. There was this guy and his girlfriend holding the same pole which is great cause that pole is meant to be shared. Well, obviously that guy assumed he bought over the whole pole(which i dont think so because i didnt see no legal documents to prove that) cause he was leaning on the whole thing. So basically, he was leaning on my hand. I mean, honestly! I thought okay, maybe he didnt realise he was doing that so i moved my hand elsewhere. Still he comfortably rested his back on my hand.

At this time i was getting really annoyed. I mean this and Mr. Perfume and i haven't even had my breakfast! So i pushed him a little with my hand that he was resting on. And would you believe the guy had the nerve to just ignore it and continue leaning while trying to impress his girlfriend? Trust me, the temptation to say "Hello? Ini tangan saya kamu sandar tau?" was so overwhelming or perhaps just a slap in his face would suffice. But i just relented in the end and stood in a very awkward position until the next station which was our stop. Thank God for that.

Of course there was this guy whom hannah stood in front of who was happily picking his nose with such into-ness and then played with the result of his picking before throwing it away. And the people who just have to push their way through the packed staircase just to get one step ahead of you. Yeah sure, that makes a lotta difference. Did i mention the time when i was trying to get into a sardine can of a ktm and this girl behind me hooked(yes, hooked!) her fingers into the back pocket of my jeans just so she can get into the train?

One day on a 15 minute ktm ride was all i needed to get the worst impression of Malaysians. Where do they learn their manners, if they do learn any at all? Of course, it could've all been an illusion because i only took half an apple for breakfast. What a hope.

anything worth saying

2008-11-01T17:43:00.006+08:00

it's been awhile since i last blogged, that blogger is no longer part of my webpage history. I guess you can say i've been having blogger's block. I still am actually, so why am i blogging now? Aside from the fact that i believe my blog is screaming for an update(or not), i am absolutely struggling to keep awake right now. Why blog? Well, it's between doing pre-lab and blogging so like a model student i chose blogging.

You're probably thinking well if you're sleepy go to sleep! Let me explain my predicament. It's 5.30pm on a saturday afternoon. We(me and my family) just came back from church after a whole day of shifting so naturally we are tired. And I went to sleep at 4am yesterday, getting only 3 hours worth of not-so-beauty sleep. Why did i go to bed so late? Cause i took a 6 hour nap on friday afternoon. Which brings me back to the point of why i am abstaining from taking a nap now, because i believe if i do, i will probably go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning again which is not the wisest thing to do when the next day is sunday.

Hence, the blogpost.

Everyone's supposed to take a nap before we go out to dinner to celebrate my dad's birthday. His birthday is on monday, and my hardcore party mum(haha, not really) plans to have a 3 day celebration and got my dad to take monday off since he's hitting the big five-oh this year. But obviously, after a big day of shifting, we're all not in the mood to go far so now we're thinking of someplace nice and near. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing more rewarding than serving God in any way(while shedding some nanopounds along the way of course).

We're planning to go watch the musical Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Footstool Players at pj with friends from church tomorrow night, and since my lab is on monday, and i would be out all day tomorrow, guess i should really get down to doing that pre-lab now.

oh procrastination is such a sweet escape.

You make it easier when life gets hard

2008-10-05T15:07:00.005+08:00

This is what a 4 months break does to you. It makes you even lazier than you were before.(if you really knew me, you would agree that this is humanly impossible, but unfortunately, at my cost, i have found out that it is possible) I am just not ready to be thrown into the whole busy routine of a student life again. The tutorials, assignments, lab reports and even the effort of trying to decipher what they're teaching us in lectures seems unappealing at this moment.

I know i've had 1 week of class before this raya break, and to be honest i kept telling myself it all begins after this week so the first week kinda didn't count. It's well into sunday now, and i'm dreading the fact that i have to wake up at 7 am.

Yes, i know i have it easy, you should see how they work their students up in UTAR(i would know, my sister goes there). Still, this is my blog, and i can vent all the spoilt content of me that i want and you can't say anything about it. Well, not to my face anyway.

A lot of things have been going on in my life(haven't we all). Friends say i'm always busy, i say that's called having a life! Kidding of course, i'm trying very hard to make time for friends i haven't met in a long time. I'm confused a lot(i'm 19 so i figure it's pretty normal? or should i say i'm a Christian, i figure it's pretty normal?) but i think through my confusions God is teaching me a whole lot, patience most of all. That some things are solved by mere patience. The urge to rush things towards their proposed solution normally hits a wall. No need for all that detailed troubleshooting. But of course. He makes all things beautiful in His time.

...God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalms 73:26

and my eyes they look unto You always

2008-10-01T00:22:00.006+08:00

Is there a standard I must live up to? Is there a certain way I must bring myself just because I have the years? Shouldn't it come naturally then? Why am I trying so hard? Why is it even bothering me so much? If I've got it all wrong, will I know? Am I causing them to stumble when I become confused? James said ask for wisdom and it will be given me. Goodness knows i can't differentiate between wisdom and instinct right now.

Argh.

so bring on the rain, and bring on the thunder

2008-09-27T15:51:00.005+08:00

Wow. I had a long week, crazy but fun. Classes started and so i am (finally) an undergraduate, cause i feel like i've been telling people i'm in foundation since forever. Classes have been great, I have a lecturer who has the exact same accent as Zohan. I hated the movie because it was made up of dirty totally unfunny jokes, but i really like this lecturer.

Because my mum's not home, on top of homework I now have chores to do. Since my mum left at short notice and we all had plans for the day, she basically had 10 minutes to teach me how to iron before i went out. So that's my chore. Actually, i did learn how to iron in national service, but since one ironing board had to be shared among 32 people, and i am an absolute snail in ironing, my dormmates always offered to iron for me to speed up the process, no complains there.

It's been working out pretty well. Except that now, one week later, we really really miss home cooked food and are honestly getting sick of hawker food. (Well, we already felt it on the 3rd day) We daren't start our first cooking lesson without our mum in fear of her returning to a non-existent kitchen, destroyed by her 3 daughters to whom she entrusted the kitchen which also happens to be her favourite hangout.

The most amazing thing is, bekah has been having bread almost everyday for recess, lunch and dinner and still she still doesn't mind having it. I had it for one meal and until now, i steer clear. I had a whooping one week's worth of classes(friday's cancelled) and now another week of break.

We are definitely too spoilt.

drive until you lose the road

2008-09-15T20:18:00.006+08:00

We had registration monday to settle payment and all the miscellaneous. it was done in separate rooms, so it went something like this:

room1: verify documents.

room2: check receipt.

room3: left blue form in room2. went back to look for it.

room4: left library card in room3, recovered it, came back to room4, realised handbook(which contains all important documents) left in room3 also. all dignity gone, shuffles back to room3, secretly grateful the lady at room4 didn't demand there and then that i'd better check if i had everything before i sit before her again. or maybe i got up and left too abruptly i didn't give her a chance.

Induction was on tuesday, and we all know how exciting inductions can get. ganesan, my high school classmate, who also just happens to be the tallest guy in kajang if not on earth, is leaving for the land of westlife(ireland, for the uninitiated) so i'm turning my room upside down for any old westlife posters so he can get them autographed. No, really.

Was looking through my pictures for a picture with him in it and i actually found this mugshot of him. It was during science and technology month in form 5. note the head nearly touching the celing. I'll try not to fall sick until you graduate so i can get free medical treatment.

break with the ones you've followed

2008-09-14T21:14:00.006+08:00

You know, it's emotionally and spiritually draining to have to let go of something, or indeed, someone that means something in our lives. The battle with ourselves, the endless reasoning with God is exhausting. Before letting go, the thought of living without it seems impossible.

A lot of times, we are forced to, rather than it being a willing act. Whatever it is that makes us let go, whether it be coercion or not, it works. Why? Cause we will never learn to live without it until we actually don't have it. Refusal to let go, or efforts to delay its release is waste of precious time when we could already be learning to move on without it.

Some things have to go. Things that do us no good, things that hinder our walk with Christ. It may feel crazily, insanely impossible to do without, but you will. It's the letting go that's hard. Isn't it always?

On a completely unrelated note, I am so in love with tgv's popcorn. What's the word that stronger than craving but milder than obsession? Well, whatever it is, I am that. Gsc and imax's popcorn are just not the same. With tgv's popcorn, the movie is the side serving, the popcorn is the main attraction, oh yeah! By the time the trailers play I am scraping the bottom of the barrel. And this is the largest barrel they have, mind you.

I have not really learnt to let go easily yet, but i have learnt that I have to. That it will get better once i do.

So let go it is.

i know what's at stake

2008-09-04T02:19:00.004+08:00

Action speaks louder than words.

Is it not human to want to explain everything with words? How can we ever be content with doing, and not always saying? A lot of times the words come in a rush, desperate to justify. But let's face it. When a person's mind is dead set against you, nothing you say will ever make a difference, no matter how much sense you're making. No matter if what you're saying is the truth.

Why do we prefer words? I think it's cause words are instantaneous. Or rather, the effect of it is. We want swift justice, words seem the best choice. We want to force people to understand, words are our only weapon.

On the other hand, action takes too long to really see its effect, if ever. I don't wanna be mistreated or judged while all i can do is stand my ground, and wait for them to see they were wrong about me. But it is this that works. Wonders.

Words are important, of course they are. But in certain situations, action is so much more. So i'm gonna try to live through my actions. Jesus Christ can be made known through them.

I can claim justice, if only i will wait.

all i have in you is more than enough

2008-09-03T02:18:00.010+08:00

i was reading today's daily bread and it said this: when Christ is the center of your interests, life will be in focus.

it's really interesting, because at the same time i was listening to shane & shane's song yearn, and i was pondering on the fact that i am not yearning enough for God. instead, i yearn for the things this world has to offer. then i wonder why life doesn't seem fulfilling at times, why am i not satisfied. it's because i long for the worldly things, things that don't last. things like fame, material things, a perfectly planned event instead of the fellowship during that event, temporary love.. all these things don't satisfy. i know. i've tried. i know you have too.

yearn: desire strongly or persistently

i have yearned for acceptance, understanding, answers. in the same way, i want to yearn for Christ. if you experience a close relationship with Christ, you will come to realise that once you know Christ, you don't feel the need to know anything else. He is more than enough.

when everyday is lived in yearning for Christ, life makes sense. because in Him, satisfaction can be found.

Shane and Shane- Yearn

holy design
this place in time
that i might seek and find my God
my God

Lord i want to yearn for You
i want to burn with passion
over You and only You
Lord i want to yearn

Your joy is mine
yet why am i fine
with all my singing and bringing grain
in light of Him

oh You give life and breath
through Him You give all things
in Him we live and move
that's why i sing

there's just no getting over you

2008-09-01T00:13:00.005+08:00

Kaiseng helped me borrow some books from my uni library(he's the best. He does so many favours and he never complains... well, not yet haha) that my lecturer asked me to prepare for my degree next month. (he says it's necessary or else i wouldn't do it!) i'm 3 months late in seeing him(hehe) so for this c programming he asked me to get one that does express teaching.

this is the book.

21 days... should be a relatively thin book.

this is its thickness.

21 days? i don't read that much in 21 years! well yeah i haven't even turned 19, but that's not the point. the point is... actually i don't know. are you kidding me? 900+ pages in 21 days?
what do you want me to say? i'm struck dumb by the very burden of completing it crashing down on me.(dramatic, i know. but then again, is it really?)

youth anniversary at sunway lagoon was great fun!! i'm uloading and tagging pictures on facebook i can't do it here again. if you don't have facebook, check out jonathan's blog(linked at the side). he'll try his best to upload some pictures, right jon? haha

i think elefant's a pretty cool band.

tomorrow's so far away

2008-08-18T19:36:00.004+08:00

i would never have believed it if you told me i would be doing subtitles as a job. well, i am.
no, i don't get to write my name at the end.

i translate english to malay for anime videos. yeah, can you believe it? i dislike(hate's too strong a word) anime with a passion, and here i am translating these videos and though i only get to read the script and not see the videos, i have to say SOME of the storylines are pretty captivating. i guess some things are best described with words and not pictures.

malaysia being the motherload of all pirated discs, subtitles just don't make sense most of the time. as much as i would like to humour someone, i hope with all my heart my subtitles don't make someone laugh, because we all have our laugh-my-head-off moments with subtitles.

this is my most defining subtitle moment.

english: my lips are sealed.
malay: bibir saya anjing laut.

i rest my case.

i was sitting, waiting, wishing

2008-08-12T16:57:00.005+08:00

once upon an afternoon, while i was bumming around the house, i got a job. haha yupe, no searching efforts required. just one phonecall from hiewmun asking if i wanted this translating job. i do have to go for an interview, but i think it's just a formality thing. i hope! yeah hiewmun has my back, even when i don't have my own back.

i watched 21, the new movie. i had the time of my life really. cause i absolutely loved it. it's about this group of students using basic math to win at blackjack. the incorporated mathematics in the movie intrigued me and totally caught my attention. it got me trying(and of course failing, but nevertheless) to understand when they explained simple concepts of the math involved.
kaiseng was explaining what he understood to me in the elevator but it kinda makes us appear like freaks so haha.

i've been thinking about this one thing- going out of our way for someone. what triggered this in my mind?

well, i was recently blessed with this video sermon that served as a hard reminder. God saw us when we had no way out from our sins. we could have done nothing about it, headed for death. hell. but God made a way. He sent Jesus, holy, to die and pay for our sins.
You see, the point is God would not have been an unjust God had He not decided to send Jesus. but because He could, He went out of His way to save us. He didn't have to, make no mistake.

i don't go out of my way to help people much, if not at all. being the selfish person that i am, i couldn't be bothered. i want to. it's inconvenient(that's the whole point of going out of the way) but i don't just want to try. i really want to fall in step with God even though my sacrifice could never be as great or be worth as much. i want to go out of my way for the little things that no one but God would notice, for the big things that would give glory to God.

i am so selfish and proud. yes, i've been thinking a lot about this too cause it strikes me hard and i don't like it. but i guess this post should end. maybe another day.

big and small, God take all the glory.

this much remains

2008-08-08T00:27:00.004+08:00

life is tiring. really. and coming from someone who sleeps three quarters of the day away everyday, that's saying something.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest
Matthew 11:28

Passion was great! sure, there was a little damper at the end that Chris Tomlin didnt plan to give his guitar away(to me) but that aside, it was a glimpse of how it would be like in heaven. how multitudes would be worshipping our God. just a teeny-weeny glimpse. awesome.

well, we know how all good things have to come to an end(except eternity in heaven!) but Passion was like a recharge. a reminder of what we're living for, and a reminder of what awaits us at the end.

a reminder of what our lives(that so often we take for granted) had cost.

God is awesome, and the fact that He loves me is amazing enough. i could sing forever.

can't let me feel what i can't have

2008-08-04T23:33:00.004+08:00

to praise even when it's hard, God grant me the grace.
to sing even when the tears flow, God grant me the grace.
to worship even when doubts and fears paralyse in the midst of song, God grant me the grace.

Jesus i need You.

i'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough

2008-08-01T14:36:00.009+08:00

It’s Friday already(again!). So many Fridays, still so many more to go.
I watched Batman twice, which is not really enough for such a good movie. Though not everything is exactly the same as the novel (yes, there is a batman novel) or the comics, the crux of the story is there.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD
In one scene, The Joker says this:

You see, nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If I told people that a gangbanger was going to get shot, or a busload of soldiers was going to get blown up, nobody would panic. Because it's all part of the plan. But tell people that one tiny little mayor is going to die and everyone loses their minds!

The Joker is insane (is he really though?) but he makes a good point. Isn’t this how we are? Yes, we pride ourselves in our ability to enjoy surprises, to be excited about that occasional unknown we plunge ourselves into. Still, we usually want a plan. Not a detailed one maybe, but a rough sketch to give us an idea of what’s going to happen. Sure, at times a plan is definitely necessary. It wouldn’t be wise to run an event without planning it beforehand. ‘He who fails to plan plans to fail’ right? But some things are beyond planning. We can plan our daily routine, what we have for dinner, what course we want to take, but there is always the situation when something unexpected, out of the plan, happens. Then our faith is tested. We struggle to keep faith in light of what’s happened, but secretly we long for the reason. Desiring to interrogate God, to ask Him why is it happening? What is Your plan for me?

And then towards the end of the movie, Harvey Dent says this:

You thought we could be decent men at indecent times. But you were wrong; the world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance.

This feeling is no stranger to me, as I’m sure it isn’t to many of us. More often than our conscience would allow us to, we wonder why are we trying to be different. What’s the point? It’s not as if my actions are going to change the world. The only thing it’s doing for me is make everyone look at me as a freak, mocking me for my stupidity of trying to be decent in indecent times. The things that are happening in the world today, sometimes only the most profane words make sense. But the thing is, it’s not our job to make things happen. What we do is be different, upholding morality, decency. How that affects people is God’s work.

There was this one scene where there’re two ferries, one carrying innocent citizens, the other convicted felons. The Joker threatens to blow both ferries up, unless one of them blows the other up first before midnight.
The people start reasoning among themselves. Some say the criminals have had their chance. Better them than innocent citizens. Besides, it’s better to have one ferry blown up than both right?

This scene deals with such a real issue. We all want to do what’s right, but sometimes, we don’t know what’s right. At times like these, thank God we have the Holy Spirit in us to lead us.

It's my parents' wedding anniversary today.

22 years down the road...

and 3 biji kids later(yes, three. the third is squashed at the bottom)...

God is so good.

it's time to break these chains, to look you in the eye

2008-07-30T10:13:00.006+08:00

found this on youtube. chipmunks doing tim mcgraw's 'live like you were dying'. love it even more now haha.

My new goal to help fill my seemingly endless holidays is to pick up where i left canon in d. which would be a bit of the intro and a few seconds o the oh-so-famous riff. it's originally a piano piece which a mr. funtwo played on his electric and got me and everyone mesmerised. you can watch it on youtube. just search canon in d funtwo.

i haven't touched my electric for quite some time already, always preferring the acoustic simply because that doesn't involve messy wires and pedals. i would just leave them in their tangled state which would make life much easier for especially in learning canon in d but my mum wouldn't be very down with that, 'nuff said.

so anyway, what brought this revelation on? well sueyen recently had her life enlightened by that great video and she asked me if i could play. that made me itch to learn it(again).

you see, canon is the kind of song that you eagerly start learning, pronounce impossible(funtwo sets a pretty high standard), listen, fall in love all over again, regain fervour and reprint tabs(having lost the old ones). this cycle is very much a part of my life since i was first exposed to the life-changing video years ago, and i got a feeling it will continue to be so. still, 2 months might change everything.

the thing is, walking with Christ is very much like that. there is a time we make resolutions to be faihful in our daily walk. after awhile, our passion fades and we lose that spiritual fervour. then something happens that sparks off what we left hanging and we become that eager Christian again. oh how i can testify to having run that cycle over and over again. it is a very hard relationship to maintain. because it is a relationship that requires us to do a lot of things we don't want to do. but it produces the sweetest results. isn't that how it is? the more effort you put into a relationship, the better it becomes.

that's what love is all about. sacrifice. one party already did. now it's our turn. don't let monotony turn us off. like canon, it is not impossible though at times it may feel that way.
so, i'm going to print the tabs now.

never say never, right?

like a beat that you can't follow

2008-07-29T21:43:00.004+08:00

so much you do not know. so little you actually understand. the wound runs deep. you think you know what's behind the facade. far from that. why would you even try to comprehend? this journey of healing is for one. with The One.

*

i am becoming a nocturnal being. i find it almost impossible to sleep before 3-4 am. i don't think it's insomnia. i do a lot of sleeping, just at the wrong time. it's not very fun when almost everyone you would feel comfortable chatting with are dreaming away at this hour, except dom. you can find him online waiting for his food to digest before going jogging at a park near his house. at 2 am.

actually i wouldn't mind joining him for these jogs. but he's all the way in kepong. imagine waking my parents at 2 am and telling them i'm going to a park in kepong for a jog and i'll be back at dawn. hahaha.

2 more months. this summer break has passed by the quickest. i miss my friends, i miss studying (noi'mnotafreak) but i've still got a lot of fun quota to fill.

walk with me, why don't you?

if you give a little more than you're asking for

2008-07-27T20:18:00.005+08:00

He's so mysterious. He works in ways we cannot see, though we sure wish we could. He gives and takes away. makes us wonder if He was planning to take away, why did He have to give in the first place? so we can experience the joy of having, but then the pain of losing? where's the sense in that?

then there are times we see why it has to be done. but we can't help but wonder at the method at which it was done, and we ask why couldn't it be another way? a less painful way which would have achieved the same ultimate motive. or not.

He says it's all in His plan for us. all these pain will pay off someday in someway. it's for our own good. Well, sometimes it's so easy to forsake His will and satisfy ours instead because the consequences are not immediate. they come later down the road. one which we couldn't see clearly, clouded by our desire to fulfill momentary wants. because moments are when we are so sure we are doing the right thing, failing to recognise that the feeling is actually mere human senses being satisfied.

it's so human, to not be able to see and appreciate what good it will do us in the future, how we are being moulded, all the time wishing to live for our now. deep down we know He's shaping us for the better of days to come. but who cares? i want to be happy now. i won't think about how it may affect the future me. i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

He is God.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

and thank God for that. i desperately need that childlike faith, to not fully comprehend what's going on in my life, but to trust everything unto Him. knowing that His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.

understanding can cause so much pain, because we'll find we can't. but trusting gives this relief because we're letting go all that we do not know into the hands of The One who knows all.

like a runaway train but i can't walk away

2008-07-10T15:46:00.004+08:00

was in mid valley yesterdy and saw a faber castell pen selling for rm11,400. coming from a world dominated by 70 cents kilometricos, i was stunned to say the least. now, to splurge so much on a PEN, you would probably have to be a squillionaire or very very very too into pens. not healthy. definitely not very good stewardship.

i think the most i ever paid for a (gel)pen was rm4. and that's only because my body seems to be anti ballpen. no ballpen will work after 3 days with me. it's a real mystery.

so anyway apparently, this particular pen has been awarded the pen of the year award. i figure it must be a pretty big award in the world of pens. it probably beat the rest with its ability to write cheques out of thin air or have ink so brilliant it can blind you. i'm not sure. i'll let you know when i have rm11,400 to spend on a pen.

imagine, i would probably have to fork out a few thousand buckeroos just for a refill.

for beauty in the broken

2008-07-07T00:58:00.010+08:00

i have been supressing my creative juices. now i'm ready to let them flow(okayy i know i'm far from creative. i can wish can't i?). haha neh, i got no intelligent mind boggling life changing revolutionary (exaggeration makes everything sound so much nicer than it is) discovery to share. life is good when all you have to study is the list of new movie releases.

i have been very into estranged's single itu kamu. but i can't help disapproving of their album title- in hating memory. i mean like, negative much? but then again, the world's pretty bent on being negative especially now.

international artistes love expressing hate, anger and indeed, suicide encouragement(maybe it's just me, but sean kingston's song beautiful girls which goes 'suicidal' x1000 annoys me) in their music. i guess malaysian artistes are taking that step in hope of more fame. cause really, songs like these are a hit especially with teenagers.
hatred is sown, and more are unnecessarily becoming angry people. you don't shoot your family member just cause you didn't get your way. you just don't.
music is just one(really big) way people are influenced.

living in a world like this, it's no wonder we find God's command to 'rejoice in the Lord always'(philippians 4:4) difficult to adhere to. still, the reason for our joy is not affected by worldly circumstances. as Christians we should always keep this joy alive in our hearts not only to keep us positive, but also cause it helps lead people to this same joy. being around happy people makes us happy.

kajang has this new food court called happy happy cafe haha. that's a start.

more than a name or a face in the crowd

2008-06-27T12:55:00.004+08:00

can we fall out of love as easily as we fell into it? if so, were we even in love?

a lot of songs talk about a had-been love. many claim to have been in love, only to find themselves falling out of it. then was it truly love they experienced, or a strong attraction that fades with time? was it lust? was it an admiration towards certain attributes/talents?

consequently, the question that begs to be asked is, what is love?

does love really last forever? if it doesn't, that means the reason for one's love must have changed. but that would mean loving with condition. how then can that be love?

so are we capable of loving?
imperfectly, as we are i suppose. perhaps.

but then why the commandments to love if we are incapabable?

surely i have loved. but how do you explain the varying intensity of my love? at times it is passionate. others, it seems to be hanging by a thread.

God is love.

where does that leave us? mere recipients of that love? mortals who strive to love in the best way possible not knowing if we're doing it right, but knowing perfection is not within our reach?

i do not know. maybe.

fell right through the cries

2008-06-27T12:50:00.004+08:00

it would be downright ungrateful to worry about my results and not turn back after that to give God the glory and praise Him for His grace. it's not much, but it's all His glory.

there is no other way i could have gotten what i got.

there never is.

te red extinguishes the hope the green ignites

2008-06-24T14:22:00.006+08:00

i got a wake up call from hiewmun at about noon today telling me she got her results through the mail and aced it as usual. (okay, she didn't exactly say that, but if 99 for algebra and 91 for maths is not good, i don't know what is.) that is not the way i want to be woken up.

reminds me of the day spm results came out. i got a similar wake up call from renuka telling me results are already out and would i get my butt off bed stop being a pig and come get it now. i just got back from national service the day before so my waking up late was totally forgivable.

anyways, back to the present.

in the process of jumping out of bed and switching on the computer, my heart was pounding like mad. i know i crashed and burned for some papers and i really really want(not to mention need) to keep my scholarship.

nervously browsing through the countless mails piling up in the inbox i barely opened since finals, i realised my results have not yet been mailed to me. after the whole near heart failure process i went through.
i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

so i took a shower instead.

it's not easy to be me

2008-06-23T23:25:00.004+08:00

it seems pretty stupid to say it's not easy to be me. i mean i am who i am right? what's so hard about that?

we are who we are, and at times there are expectations of who we are supposed to be. people get to know you, and then they start setting standards they expect you to live up to. and that shouldn't be a problem because all we have to be are ourselves.

not really. expectations rise and we are pushed to be not necessarily someone better, but someone people think we should be. why? because we start thinking maybe that's who we should be too.

sometimes we exceed expectations. most of the time, we fall short.

in struggling to live up to ever mounting expectations, we become someone else, far from who we really are. who i really am.

i am who i am. if i try to please everyone, i'll never be myself. it sucks to disappoint, but it's worse to pretend.

i wish i could be someone better for you.

you want to make a memory

2008-06-19T19:41:00.004+08:00

Everyday about 3.30 pm, the IT officer in my office would run the EOD(end of day). this means that for the next hour or so we can't use a certain programme. usually i got something else to do, but having finished doing it, a colleague gave me something new to do.

~after explaining what i had to do..

ken: okay, so you might find a counter in the portfolio that's not in here *points to a paper in my right hand* why?

sarah: *laughs* i don't know.

ken: *in a teacherly manner* imagine you're buying shares and yada yada yada yada...

*understanding ceases and imagination starts wandering, landing in a situation where hannah(my accounting student sister)is in my place instead and how they would be having a wonderfully account-y conversation*

*snaps back*
ken: you know what you did just now with that sheet right? *points to the paper in my right hand again* so now you know why?

sarah: *a lil taken aback, laughs nervously* i don't know what this sheet is, and i didn't really know what i was doing just now.

ken: *not giving up and starts explaining again*

realising he wouldnt quit until i got it, i stopped laughing and started trying to understand what he was talking about.

finally i somehow managed to give him the right answer and he was satisfied.

that conversation made my day(what's left of it anyway) because i laugh everytime i think of it. i don't know why. i was never an accounts person and it was like he was trying to explain accounts to a potato. as in, you're just wasting your time.

last day tomorrow! i relish the opportunity to be able to sleep in late again.

You are magnificent, eternally

2008-06-16T13:03:00.005+08:00

it's amazing how human beings' vocabulary have expanded over the years. descriptive words come in wide varieties.

that meal was wonderful.
that was an awesome movie.
i had a great day.
my friends are amazing.

just to name a few.

isn't it funny how these words are the same words we use to describe our God?
our God is an awesome God.
how great is our God.

these words are so commonly uttered that we unconciously incorporate them into our daily lives.
words like 'nice' don't seem to cut it anymore. people rarely say 'i had a nice day'. the word seems to fall short from describing an enjoyable day.

i figure even if a new word is made to portray God, it would probably sooner or later be used to describe a plate of spaghetti too.

our vocabulary is just too limited to truly describe the God of the universe. our understanding and imagination are confined.
i definitely don't hope we consider God and kungfu panda to be comparable!

i guess sometimes words really are not enough.

everything is beautiful, even when the tears are falling

2008-06-09T20:03:00.006+08:00

Surrender is a pretty big word. it's about giving up when you can't take it anymore and leaving it in someone else's hands. surrendering to Jesus is a learning process. you don't just surrender cause someone said it's the right thing to do. it's not that easy.

i found that in learning to surrender, you are first overwhelmed by your struggles. people always remind us that the Bible says we should cast out anxieties on Him because He cares. i never got the meaning of casting my anxieties because no matter how much i cast, they still feel, well uncasted.

sure, i've surrendered, but it always seems that in the end, i take back my surrender.

they say we learn to walk through falling. 'they' have got their facts right. i would think it is impossible to truly surrender to God unless we have first experienced total helplessness.

doing what Jesus would have done is terribly hard. i mean, Jesus would have loved and forgiven someone even if the person killed his family. i could never do that.
but hey, i'd like to have one heck of a time trying, because that is what God wants us to do. to be like Jesus.

fear of what may happen if we take a wrong step, of indeed, if we do the right thing may paralyse our ability to trust.

surrendering to Him is done step by step. little by little as we loosen our grip on our struggles and let Jesus take control, we learn how wonderful surrendering can be and we yearn to surrender more, until God willing, our whole lives are lived in full surrender to God.

No, i have not reached that goal. the learning process is long, and more often than we'd like to, we take our eyes off the goal and we stumble in the process.

yes, i fear. to me, my fear is so very real. but who can better lead me than the One who has it all planned out for me to perfection?

so i fall, knowing that the more i do, the more i stand to learn. only praying that i can one day surrender all.

i wanna fill this new frame, but it's empty

2008-06-07T23:55:00.009+08:00

i got myself a job. it's actually the same one as last summer, the one with my aunt. honestly, i'm not really looking forward to waking at 6 am everyday but hey, i guess i gotta get used to it sometime or another.

watched a few movies the past few days.
indiana jones was really really boring, and it didn't help that it was very far-fetched so you can't help fidgeting and wishing it would end the whole 2 and a half hours.

superhero movie which does parodies from movies like spiderman and batman was funny, definitely an improvement from indiana jones but it's only about an hour long so it's not much.

kungfu panda was awe-some. really. it's really entertaining and being seated two rows from the front, that's saying something. it's got big names voicing the characters too like jack black, angelina jolie, lucy liu, seth rogen and jackie chan. i guess dreamworks does have a standard to live up to.

i don't really have much to talk about. i have yet to see my lecturer about my first year degree next semester. apparently it's kind of a big leap from foundation to first year so we gotta do some(actually, from what my friends shared, a lot) of studying during this break and that sucks cause it defeats the whole purpose of a 'break'. he's supposed to tell me what books to read for my programme and to give me the programming cd so i can start working on programming which is a pretty big part of electrical and electronics engineering first year.

i mean give me a break, i've barely gotten in the holiday mood and you want me to start studying again? no way! i haven't even gotten the results for the finals. actually, i don't think i want to. but it's not really an option la.

nice song.

Nicole Nordeman - Why

We rode into town the other day, just me and my Daddy.
He said I’d finally reached that age,
and I could ride next to him on a horse that of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting and so we stopped to find out why
There was that man that my dad said he loved,
but today there was fear in his eyes

So I said Daddy why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows

Daddy please can’t you do something?
He looks as though he’s gonna cry
You said he is stronger than all of those guys-
Daddy please tell me why,
why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
and daddy said I should go inside
Some how he knew things would get stormy,
boy was he right

But I could not keep from wondering
if there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out,

I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill
where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross:

And it said : Father why are they screaming.
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robes??
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows.

Father please can’t you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry.
I thought I could handle a cross of this size,
Father remind me why,
why does everyone want me to die.

When will I understand why?
My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus this hurts me much more than you know,
but this dark hour I must do nothing.
Though I’ve heard your unbearable cry —
the power in your blood destroys all the lies,
soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.

Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell you why,
she is why you must die.

I'll take what answers You supply, You know better than I

2008-06-02T17:24:00.003+08:00

finals were pretty challenging for some papers, foundation is over, the celebrations were well deserved, and i'm back from camp. that's just to summarise what happened since the last time i updated.

i just got back from camp yesterday. i had a great time, and i don't think i've ever experienced playing pictionary the way i did in camp haha. you get the full effect of dorcas' wide wide vocabulary and when you get home you start reading the dictionary. haha no la.

hing's turning 18 on wednesday, and i really miss playing badminton with him and the rest. i've missed practically all the games they've had cause i just always seem to have plans then. i reckon hiewmun's self-restraint will crack before long. i've turned down every offer to play including today and tomorrow heheh. all i can say is i hope indiana jones lives up to all it's cracked up to be.

being brought up in a Christian family, i never really felt the need to ask God why when i'm faced with uncomprehensible situations. i just knew i had to have faith and it'll work out for my good in the end. until now. i've waited too long, for nothing much. and i really want to know why. the longer it drags, the more painful it becomes. but at the same time, experience brings understanding. that sometimes why shouldn't be asked at all. that God makes everything beautiful in His time. that our trust and faith is all we need.

Better Than I - David Campbell

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through

I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you

For you know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me

For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

begitu berat melangkah melihat kau bersamanya

2008-05-14T12:26:00.004+08:00

it's weird how something or someone could have meant so much to you but doesn't anymore. that important part if your life is not so important now. makes you wonder if they really meant anything at all. if what you felt was real.

tell me what more do i need

2008-05-11T00:30:00.001+08:00

wow i think time sprouted more wings and flew by faster than i can say finals! haha lame i know

anyhoo, i'm almost reaching the end of my foundation yess i see the light. Still, finals are almost here and after 2 whole weeks of study break, I basically just wasted more than a week and a half doing nothing. Well not exactly doing nothing but everything I did sure had nothing to do with preparing for the finals. I guess maybe having fun could count as a stress reliever.

So I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I had 4 more chapters of a subject that I had yet to finish and the paper begins in 15 minutes. With the exception of a snakes invading the world dream, that was the scariest dream I have ever had. Period. Period. (again in case you didn’t get the point haha)

I was freaking out (in my dream la) and the mixed emotions I had(if you would call it that in a dream hmm) was enough to make me start taking my studies seriously once I woke up. The phrase wake up call has never meant more to me than it does now.

I get selfish a lot. I forget you’re going through more than I am and I cannot see pass my self-centered egoistic mind. I tried to care but it came out forced. You still think the world of me and my pride gets kicked in the ***. I wish you wouldn’t be so nice.

God seems distant at times. I just know it’s me. If I don’t work to maintain this relationship,

I don’t even want to think about it.

turn me around, pick me up

2008-04-24T12:46:00.009+08:00

found this on the internet while taking time out from javascript. i dont like javascript much. i like sausage pizza cheese pasta sushi. i think i have a great great greatest grandfather's sister's neighbour's teacher's sheep's owner's cow who's of italian japanese heritage and somehow it rubbed off me.

The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it

Major Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.

The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!

Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.

Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
We are working on something else.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried
We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned

The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties

We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Essentially complete.
Half done.

We predict...
We hope to God!

Drawing release is lagging.
Not a single drawing exists.

Risk is high, but acceptable.
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance.

Serious, but not insurmountable, problems.
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.

Not well defined.
Nobody has thought about it.

Requires further analysis and management attention.
Totally out of control.

The project is designed for high availability.
Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.

This project has low maintenance requirements.
We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.

The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.
The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.

The delivery is scheduled for the last quater of next year.
This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.

how could i think of turning back

2008-04-18T23:25:00.005+08:00

i am confused.

sometimes i just don't understand myself. other times, too well.

james asked me today if i fixed my phone problem. (my bluetooth was cacat-ed so i sent it for repairs)
i said yeah, and told him it was the software problem and they changed and upgraded it.
he said, "So it wasn't my fault."
i laughed.

i always blamed his phone for my bluetooth malfunctioning cause i paired with his phone once and ever since then, my bluetooh died-ed.

i have no idea how to write an english report for a questionnaire. it's friday night, i havent started, the report is due monday and i'm going for badminton tomorrow. haha

i'm still confused. it's hard to identify rush of feelings.

i just. think.

"God is great, but sometimes life ain't good, when i pray, it doesn't turn out like i think it should, but i do it anyway."
Martina McBride

this is my rite of passage

2008-04-07T21:34:00.005+08:00

this week is not a week to look forward to and all my coursemates definitely share the same feeling. this week is the week we have so many assignments, presentations, reports and tests to prepare for and complete, that i didn't want to wake up monday morning.

even with the heavy workload, we made time to go to mid valley on monday not wanting to miss out (actually failing to resist the temptation) on the promotion sushi king is having. however, we rushed through everything, pushing the speed limit as we raced home for, what else, work.

i have to say, i have been totally blessed with good assignment groups throughout this semester, and this is the semester with the most group assignments. today is friday. rest assured, my weekend will be spent in university preparing for presentations and a lot more.

next week will not exactly be an ideal week, but the week after next would be an extreme relief even though finals are on.

How can we keep drinking in God's blessings but fail, or rather refuse, to use it for His glory?
all the time.

don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are

2008-03-22T17:47:00.004+08:00

okay, so here's the sad story.

me and my friends thought we'd take part in the sports week my uni was gonna have. you have to join in groups of 8, but only if there's space, so you gotta be quick. well we weren't. we took our time in registering and was told the spot to represent foundation in badminton was taken.

we weren't that disappointed to be honest. we just wanted to have some fun, though the guys are good. it's just us 3girls who need some, okay a lot of polishing up.

then like about 4days ago, i found out that us 3 girls were registered in the competition, cause there weren't any who signed up yet like the guys.

so then, the not so serious badminton sessions we had became like badminton training camp. The guys were like drill seargeants. okay, i'll be fair. they weren't that bad.

you see, to join with the others is one thing cause they'll probably sweep the competition, so it's okay if girls doubles and singles lose. but only us? there's just a huge possibility that we might be humiliated out of the court 21-nil. so clearly, the objective is not to win, but to get a couple of points and not lose the game in like, 5 minutes of something.

so here i am, over-exercised, tired and feeling the strain in all parts of my body. we went to uni a couple of times early in the morning during this long weekend to fit in some practice. we're getting better, but also more nervous. only God knows what state representatives we're going to be up against, us roadside badminton players.

the competition's on monday, so fingers and racquets crossed.

i know we've come so far, we've got so far to go

2008-03-08T16:27:00.006+08:00

my friend lost her dad. 3 heart attacks in one night. what do i do?
the desire to do something that really helps overwhelms. but somehow, nothing seems good enough. she's one of my best budds, but all i can do is offer my condolences and the usual comforting words that grieving people would expect but would not be of much help anyway?

what kind of friend am i?

then once again, i am reminded what is the best thing a friend could do. that in my clouded thinking i forget there is no better thing to do. this song played in my phone. i never really sang with the song. it was just another song. now it isn't.

Love Them Like Jesus- Casting Crowns

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand,
you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

--------------------------------------------------------------------

could i have made a difference?

Life is a road and I want to keep going

2008-03-06T20:35:00.003+08:00

i believe i learn from my mistakes. though it has to be committed a few times before i know exactly how and why it is a mistake, in the end, i learn. i am tempted to commit such mistakes again, but it is through the struggle of restraining that i grow. to give in without a fight would mean the desire to be stuck where i am, with no intention of progressing.

i have been afraid of messing up, of making mistakes, because i have this fear that it might create a chasm in my relationship with God. i'm afraid that with mistake after mistake i draw further from Him, and my passion for Him not as strong. but as i slowly tread the path He's prepared for me, i experience the meaning of being God's plan.

so yes, i believe i grow with my mistakes, and i have my life as proof that what people preach about learning from your mistakes is true.

in a drag race all the others fall

2008-02-26T14:29:00.004+08:00

learning is fun. sure. but most of the time, it's plain exhausting.

the flu hit me yesterday. i found it hard to concentrate in classes while trying to stem the flow from my nose and facing a shortage of tissue paper. girls are few in my classes, and they are the ones who usually carry tissue around. after relieving them of their tissue and still needing more, thank God one guy had another packet.

i had a new algebra lecturer teach yesterday (they do block teaching for this subject) and he totally reminds me of those eunuchs you see in olden days chinese dramas. not that he's a sissy or anything. he has this really high pitch that gets higher once he's gained his momentum while teaching, and he has these hand gestures (those of which i noticed in between my sniffs) that are sort of similar to a eunuch. he was really entertaining and of course, more importantly he's a good teacher.

thankfully, weiwen gave me a ride home so i didn't have to worry about having to ask complete strangers for a piece of tissue paper, or indeed, their sleeves. days have been tiring and have induced almost indecent hunger. or maybe it's just greed.

beri padaku sedikit waktu

2008-02-01T22:15:00.001+08:00

i googled the email address of a lecturer in desperation cause i need it to get my results and i just couldn't find it. The so-called existing address book is evading me.

google did not fail me.

i almost emailed a lecturer starting the mail with Dear Ms, until mark told me it's a man. he regretted it the moment i told him my near mistake.

i finished heroes season1 in about 3 days. season 2's file is corrupted. sigh. i need to contact hiewmun about this. thank God chinese new year is near.

nevertheless, the holidays are definitely improving.

it's like i'm going through the motions of a scripted destiny

2008-01-24T21:20:00.001+08:00

it's been awhile since i've posted anything. i know for a fact joel's being very determined to keep to his resolution of updating his blog and has so far been doing quite a good job.

to update a little, my finals ended about a week ago and we outdid ourselves in celebration all day as though we just achieved something after sweating blood and sleepless nights.

and so i am on a 3 and a half weeks break. a week and a half is almost gone and honestly, sleeping late is no more a treat, as much as it is a forced gesture to kill time.

i have been going out but i am trying to stay home more, whether because i have a desire to wake after 10 but before noon (because going out usually means waking around 9) or because i am trying to be wise financially, i cannot decide.

i've been thinking a lot about people and their pride, and how it affects people's decisions, emotions and when it al comes together, their lives.

it's easy to know everyone has pride, but it takes notice, and observation to see how pride influences even the smallest decisons, infiltrates the lightest of conversations.

those small moments of irritations that we brush off, but nevertheless feel when talking to someone are often caused by what the other person said in a gush of pride.
that person will probably have noticed the mistake and hastes to say something humble instead in the next sentence, and yet, the damage is done.

but we cannot really blame, because no matter how humble one may boast to be(hmm), pride lives in every one.

only Jesus was purely humble, and sometimes it can be unnerving to see how He was never proud.

We try, but like any other human being, pride creeps into us even when we are fighting against it. Change is possible, but only with the help of the Holy Spirit, who, whatever people may say, remains the only One who is able to change one effectively for the better.

sometimes, i wish we made wiser decisions.

nothing's real until you let go completely

2008-01-06T22:53:00.001+08:00

i was reading about fear, and it's paralyzing powers.

our fears are very personal. but, everyone fears. there may be different factors, but everybody has experienced fear.

there are several aspects of fear.

firstly, the fear of the unknown. Proverbs 3:25 says, "Have no fear of sudden disasters.."
This verse applies to everything that happens that we do not know, and all the "what ifs" that we face throughout life.
diseases that can strike anytime, freak accidents that might be waiting around the corner that can cause us everything precious... endless possibilities.

everyday the media highlights bad things that happen to people, that we can easily shift our focus to the possibilities of the unknown to us and our loved ones.

Proverds 3:26 continues with "for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared."

we don't know what tomorrow holds, but we should take comfort in knowing the One who holds tomorrow.

also, there is the fear of the known. i, for one, have experienced fear of a person or a group of people, thought i will not go into it.

Proverbs 29:25 speaks of this fear. "Fear of a man will prove to be a snare..."

but the verse soesn't end there."... but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe..."

this is not a promise that no one will seek to hurt us, but rather, if we trust in the Lord, we can rest assured that no permanent harm will come to us.
We are safe in His care.

However, not all form of fear is bad. the Bible has many references to " the fear of the Lord."
this fear brings about a whole different meaning. it is about reverence for the Lord, and to honour and respect Him.
Proverbs14:27 says "The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death."

Solomon also wisely said that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
our fear of the Lord increases as we grow in knowledge of who He is.

the more we grasp His majesty, awesomeness, it becomes clearer to us just how different we are from Him. we become more humble.

this respect will also cause us to desire nothing that displeases Him. Therefore, when we have an authentic fear of the Lord, we are purified spiritually.

so, fear is totally normal. but, we can choose who, or what, to fear.

When i am afraid, I will trust in You. in God, whose word i praise, in God i trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
Psalm56:3-4

Great is Thy faithfulness

2007-12-30T20:14:00.001+08:00

Who am i, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me?

Are you serious? this God, in all His majesty, would reach out to my heart, and calm the battles raging within me?

i mean, why bother?

but He bothers. very much indeed. so much so that He sent His One and only Son as a payment for my imperfections, so that in His eyes, I become perfect.

and that, as another year approaches, is what i thank God for, having made the year another wonderful one with His love's ultimate gift.

this past year was a big year for me. i went for National Service, got my SPM results and started university.

there were times i trusted God more, there were times i took Him for granted.

i grew in my walk with Jesus, i grew in my character.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

as God blesses me with another year of living for Him, i pray for more intimacy with Him, perseverence in everything i face, and more pocket money. okay, maybe the last one not so much.

Through it all

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
Im carried in everlasting arms
Youll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

the hopes and fears of all the years are met in Thee tonight.

2007-12-24T00:19:00.002+08:00

it's 12.30am so technically it's one day to Christmas.

the presents under the tree is nearing their unwrapping.
i got hannah something totally out of my budget, and way big. so she's been guessing. bekah gave her a clue, that the gift starts with c and ends with r. she used the dictionary for the first time in her life i think.
ok maybe not.

so for now, she thinks it's either a chair, a calculator, a calendar, a cucumber or a chandelier.
i won't let it out in case she reads this before midnight today, though i doubt it. Christmas eve is a busy day.

it's hard to stay focused on the true cause of Christmas celebration amidst worldly commercials.
still, as Christians, Christmas is one of the best times to witness to others about Jesus. and we must not lose sight of that.

i will sit, and meditate, and probe my feelings. will Christmas still be Christmas if on the 25th i'm alone in my room with no celebration or presents whatsoever? only a time for me to privately thank God for the birth of Jesus.

nothing makes me more happy than when my answer is yes. when i know that to me, Christmas is nothing more than the beginning of God's salvation plan in action.

if you have not accepted Jesus into your lives, however elaborate your Christmas may be, you are being restraint from the true joy of Christmas.

that this God, has come close enough to us. Immanuel- God with us. that human are able to touch, kiss Him not knowing they have kissed God.

indeed, that is the true joy of Christmas.

Blessed Christmas (:

Christmas isn't Christmas.

Christmas isn't Christmas till it happens in your heart
Somewhere deep inside you is where Christmas really starts
So give your ehart to Jesus, you'll discover when you do
That it;s Christmas really Christmas for you.

Jesus brings warmth like a winter fire
A light like a candle glow
He's waiting now to come inside
As He did so long ago
Jesus brings gifts of truth and life
And makes them bloom and grow
So welcome Him with a song of joy
And when He comes you'll know, that-

do you feel what i mean?

2007-12-22T20:13:00.001+08:00

wow. it has been a busy week.my 3 weeks break begun last saturday after our 2nd test. the purpose of this break is to study for another test- our finals. what else, right?so for the past week i've been taking full advantage of the after-exam fever (ignoring the coming one la). i've been going out everyday. now i have to seriously consider the fact that i have a lot to cover in only about 2 weeks.

genting with my family was fun. but i was never made for thrill rides. so genting was never my favourite getaway. still, this trip, i braved more rides than i'd have dared to before.hannah took the space shot by herself. you can kill me, skin me and eat me but you can never get me on that freak ride.

being the more intelligent ones, bekah and i went and fed ourselves while hannah lined up and mum and dad went and check in.

besides that, the outing yesterday with ashy and sue yen is also worth mentioning cause Alvin and the chipmunks and National Treasure 2 rockss!!! oh, and of course the quality time we had was good. haha.

oh, watched i am legend with uni friends. it was.. err.. ok la. not jumping about it. but like hiewmun points out, steph and i were still laughing the whole movie while she was hiding behind dom's shirt. no la=P

we met nick and the gang, and gosh, i didn't know Gan can grow even taller.
that picture cannot be uploaded. maybe gan's too tall he takes up too much memory or something. haha.

i really have a lot to tell. i'll save it for another post.
i miss some people. what happened to our friendship?

i guess i let you get the best of me

2007-12-08T21:39:00.001+08:00

it's been awhile. i've been kept busy with studies.

i had a great birthday. from midnight till well, midnight, i got lots of sms-es and calls. my ns friends actually remembered, and hearing from them made me really miss the times we had.

watched mr magorium's wonder emporium after class with rachel, queenie and jennifer.
hiewmun, dominic and joshua went and got me the cake the day before. on the day, the surprise was ruined just because i'm too alert for my own good. or maybe they were just too obvious.

God's been so good. 18 years of living has proved God's faithfulness.
This song sums my 18 years of life with God.

Brian Littrell- You Keep Giving Me
So many reasons to be thankful
So many blessings that I can't repay
And I never would've made it here without You
Sending angels to guide me on my way

You keep givin' me joy
You keep givin' me happiness
You keep givin' me hope
You keep givin' me everything I wish
You keep givin' holding me on
When I'm about to fall
And if even all of that was not enough
You keep givin' me love(You're givin', You're givin' me love)

I know that I'm not always easy
And I know I put You through some trying days
But in spite of all the worries that I gave You
No, You never let my Angels get away

Have I told You lately (have I told ya)
How Your love has saved me
It takes me to place I've only dreamed
I'm so thankful, Lord, for sending me angels

You keep givin' me joy
You keep givin' me happiness
You keep givin' me hope
You keep givin' me everything I wish
You keep givin' holding me
When I'm about to fall
And if even all of that was not enough[X2]
You send angels to guide me from up above
You just keep gvin' me
You just keep givin' me love

yesss, it says happy birthday sarah bananah. they can't even get the spelling right.

obviously, someone needs to refine their cake-cutting tecniques.

the world we live

2007-11-23T21:49:00.001+08:00

is ignorance really bliss?

i should think so.

to ignore is not to care.
not to care is not feeling.
not feeling, would, i presume, indeed be bliss.

there are times, we crave for ignorance. but as humans, we generally cannot ignore, no matter how hard we try. we attempt to block our feelings, to no avail.

why do we have to care when not caring would be easier?

maybe. just maybe.