it's time to break these chains, to look you in the eye

found this on youtube. chipmunks doing tim mcgraw's 'live like you were dying'. love it even more now haha.

My new goal to help fill my seemingly endless holidays is to pick up where i left canon in d. which would be a bit of the intro and a few seconds o the oh-so-famous riff. it's originally a piano piece which a mr. funtwo played on his electric and got me and everyone mesmerised. you can watch it on youtube. just search canon in d funtwo.

i haven't touched my electric for quite some time already, always preferring the acoustic simply because that doesn't involve messy wires and pedals. i would just leave them in their tangled state which would make life much easier for especially in learning canon in d but my mum wouldn't be very down with that, 'nuff said.

so anyway, what brought this revelation on? well sueyen recently had her life enlightened by that great video and she asked me if i could play. that made me itch to learn it(again).

you see, canon is the kind of song that you eagerly start learning, pronounce impossible(funtwo sets a pretty high standard), listen, fall in love all over again, regain fervour and reprint tabs(having lost the old ones). this cycle is very much a part of my life since i was first exposed to the life-changing video years ago, and i got a feeling it will continue to be so. still, 2 months might change everything.

the thing is, walking with Christ is very much like that. there is a time we make resolutions to be faihful in our daily walk. after awhile, our passion fades and we lose that spiritual fervour. then something happens that sparks off what we left hanging and we become that eager Christian again. oh how i can testify to having run that cycle over and over again. it is a very hard relationship to maintain. because it is a relationship that requires us to do a lot of things we don't want to do. but it produces the sweetest results. isn't that how it is? the more effort you put into a relationship, the better it becomes.

that's what love is all about. sacrifice. one party already did. now it's our turn. don't let monotony turn us off. like canon, it is not impossible though at times it may feel that way.
so, i'm going to print the tabs now.

never say never, right?

like a beat that you can't follow

so much you do not know. so little you actually understand. the wound runs deep. you think you know what's behind the facade. far from that. why would you even try to comprehend? this journey of healing is for one. with The One.

*

i am becoming a nocturnal being. i find it almost impossible to sleep before 3-4 am. i don't think it's insomnia. i do a lot of sleeping, just at the wrong time. it's not very fun when almost everyone you would feel comfortable chatting with are dreaming away at this hour, except dom. you can find him online waiting for his food to digest before going jogging at a park near his house. at 2 am.

actually i wouldn't mind joining him for these jogs. but he's all the way in kepong. imagine waking my parents at 2 am and telling them i'm going to a park in kepong for a jog and i'll be back at dawn. hahaha.

2 more months. this summer break has passed by the quickest. i miss my friends, i miss studying (noi'mnotafreak) but i've still got a lot of fun quota to fill.

walk with me, why don't you?

if you give a little more than you're asking for

He's so mysterious. He works in ways we cannot see, though we sure wish we could. He gives and takes away. makes us wonder if He was planning to take away, why did He have to give in the first place? so we can experience the joy of having, but then the pain of losing? where's the sense in that?

then there are times we see why it has to be done. but we can't help but wonder at the method at which it was done, and we ask why couldn't it be another way? a less painful way which would have achieved the same ultimate motive. or not.

He says it's all in His plan for us. all these pain will pay off someday in someway. it's for our own good. Well, sometimes it's so easy to forsake His will and satisfy ours instead because the consequences are not immediate. they come later down the road. one which we couldn't see clearly, clouded by our desire to fulfill momentary wants. because moments are when we are so sure we are doing the right thing, failing to recognise that the feeling is actually mere human senses being satisfied.

it's so human, to not be able to see and appreciate what good it will do us in the future, how we are being moulded, all the time wishing to live for our now. deep down we know He's shaping us for the better of days to come. but who cares? i want to be happy now. i won't think about how it may affect the future me. i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

He is God.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

and thank God for that. i desperately need that childlike faith, to not fully comprehend what's going on in my life, but to trust everything unto Him. knowing that His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.

understanding can cause so much pain, because we'll find we can't. but trusting gives this relief because we're letting go all that we do not know into the hands of The One who knows all.

like a runaway train but i can't walk away

was in mid valley yesterdy and saw a faber castell pen selling for rm11,400. coming from a world dominated by 70 cents kilometricos, i was stunned to say the least. now, to splurge so much on a PEN, you would probably have to be a squillionaire or very very very too into pens. not healthy. definitely not very good stewardship.

i think the most i ever paid for a (gel)pen was rm4. and that's only because my body seems to be anti ballpen. no ballpen will work after 3 days with me. it's a real mystery.

so anyway apparently, this particular pen has been awarded the pen of the year award. i figure it must be a pretty big award in the world of pens. it probably beat the rest with its ability to write cheques out of thin air or have ink so brilliant it can blind you. i'm not sure. i'll let you know when i have rm11,400 to spend on a pen.

imagine, i would probably have to fork out a few thousand buckeroos just for a refill.

for beauty in the broken

i have been supressing my creative juices. now i'm ready to let them flow(okayy i know i'm far from creative. i can wish can't i?). haha neh, i got no intelligent mind boggling life changing revolutionary (exaggeration makes everything sound so much nicer than it is) discovery to share. life is good when all you have to study is the list of new movie releases.

i have been very into estranged's single itu kamu. but i can't help disapproving of their album title- in hating memory. i mean like, negative much? but then again, the world's pretty bent on being negative especially now.

international artistes love expressing hate, anger and indeed, suicide encouragement(maybe it's just me, but sean kingston's song beautiful girls which goes 'suicidal' x1000 annoys me) in their music. i guess malaysian artistes are taking that step in hope of more fame. cause really, songs like these are a hit especially with teenagers.
hatred is sown, and more are unnecessarily becoming angry people. you don't shoot your family member just cause you didn't get your way. you just don't.
music is just one(really big) way people are influenced.

living in a world like this, it's no wonder we find God's command to 'rejoice in the Lord always'(philippians 4:4) difficult to adhere to. still, the reason for our joy is not affected by worldly circumstances. as Christians we should always keep this joy alive in our hearts not only to keep us positive, but also cause it helps lead people to this same joy. being around happy people makes us happy.

kajang has this new food court called happy happy cafe haha. that's a start.

more than a name or a face in the crowd

can we fall out of love as easily as we fell into it? if so, were we even in love?

a lot of songs talk about a had-been love. many claim to have been in love, only to find themselves falling out of it. then was it truly love they experienced, or a strong attraction that fades with time? was it lust? was it an admiration towards certain attributes/talents?

consequently, the question that begs to be asked is, what is love?

does love really last forever? if it doesn't, that means the reason for one's love must have changed. but that would mean loving with condition. how then can that be love?

so are we capable of loving?
imperfectly, as we are i suppose. perhaps.

but then why the commandments to love if we are incapabable?

surely i have loved. but how do you explain the varying intensity of my love? at times it is passionate. others, it seems to be hanging by a thread.

God is love.

where does that leave us? mere recipients of that love? mortals who strive to love in the best way possible not knowing if we're doing it right, but knowing perfection is not within our reach?

i do not know. maybe.

fell right through the cries

it would be downright ungrateful to worry about my results and not turn back after that to give God the glory and praise Him for His grace. it's not much, but it's all His glory.

there is no other way i could have gotten what i got.

there never is.

te red extinguishes the hope the green ignites

i got a wake up call from hiewmun at about noon today telling me she got her results through the mail and aced it as usual. (okay, she didn't exactly say that, but if 99 for algebra and 91 for maths is not good, i don't know what is.) that is not the way i want to be woken up.

reminds me of the day spm results came out. i got a similar wake up call from renuka telling me results are already out and would i get my butt off bed stop being a pig and come get it now. i just got back from national service the day before so my waking up late was totally forgivable.

anyways, back to the present.

in the process of jumping out of bed and switching on the computer, my heart was pounding like mad. i know i crashed and burned for some papers and i really really want(not to mention need) to keep my scholarship.

nervously browsing through the countless mails piling up in the inbox i barely opened since finals, i realised my results have not yet been mailed to me. after the whole near heart failure process i went through.
i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

so i took a shower instead.

it's not easy to be me

it seems pretty stupid to say it's not easy to be me. i mean i am who i am right? what's so hard about that?

we are who we are, and at times there are expectations of who we are supposed to be. people get to know you, and then they start setting standards they expect you to live up to. and that shouldn't be a problem because all we have to be are ourselves.

not really. expectations rise and we are pushed to be not necessarily someone better, but someone people think we should be. why? because we start thinking maybe that's who we should be too.

sometimes we exceed expectations. most of the time, we fall short.

in struggling to live up to ever mounting expectations, we become someone else, far from who we really are. who i really am.

i am who i am. if i try to please everyone, i'll never be myself. it sucks to disappoint, but it's worse to pretend.

i wish i could be someone better for you.

you want to make a memory

Everyday about 3.30 pm, the IT officer in my office would run the EOD(end of day). this means that for the next hour or so we can't use a certain programme. usually i got something else to do, but having finished doing it, a colleague gave me something new to do.

~after explaining what i had to do..

ken: okay, so you might find a counter in the portfolio that's not in here *points to a paper in my right hand* why?

sarah: *laughs* i don't know.

ken: *in a teacherly manner* imagine you're buying shares and yada yada yada yada...

*understanding ceases and imagination starts wandering, landing in a situation where hannah(my accounting student sister)is in my place instead and how they would be having a wonderfully account-y conversation*

*snaps back*
ken: you know what you did just now with that sheet right? *points to the paper in my right hand again* so now you know why?

sarah: *a lil taken aback, laughs nervously* i don't know what this sheet is, and i didn't really know what i was doing just now.

ken: *not giving up and starts explaining again*

realising he wouldnt quit until i got it, i stopped laughing and started trying to understand what he was talking about.

finally i somehow managed to give him the right answer and he was satisfied.

that conversation made my day(what's left of it anyway) because i laugh everytime i think of it. i don't know why. i was never an accounts person and it was like he was trying to explain accounts to a potato. as in, you're just wasting your time.

last day tomorrow! i relish the opportunity to be able to sleep in late again.

You are magnificent, eternally

it's amazing how human beings' vocabulary have expanded over the years. descriptive words come in wide varieties.

that meal was wonderful.
that was an awesome movie.
i had a great day.
my friends are amazing.

just to name a few.

isn't it funny how these words are the same words we use to describe our God?
our God is an awesome God.
how great is our God.

these words are so commonly uttered that we unconciously incorporate them into our daily lives.
words like 'nice' don't seem to cut it anymore. people rarely say 'i had a nice day'. the word seems to fall short from describing an enjoyable day.

i figure even if a new word is made to portray God, it would probably sooner or later be used to describe a plate of spaghetti too.

our vocabulary is just too limited to truly describe the God of the universe. our understanding and imagination are confined.
i definitely don't hope we consider God and kungfu panda to be comparable!

i guess sometimes words really are not enough.

everything is beautiful, even when the tears are falling

Surrender is a pretty big word. it's about giving up when you can't take it anymore and leaving it in someone else's hands. surrendering to Jesus is a learning process. you don't just surrender cause someone said it's the right thing to do. it's not that easy.

i found that in learning to surrender, you are first overwhelmed by your struggles. people always remind us that the Bible says we should cast out anxieties on Him because He cares. i never got the meaning of casting my anxieties because no matter how much i cast, they still feel, well uncasted.

sure, i've surrendered, but it always seems that in the end, i take back my surrender.

they say we learn to walk through falling. 'they' have got their facts right. i would think it is impossible to truly surrender to God unless we have first experienced total helplessness.

doing what Jesus would have done is terribly hard. i mean, Jesus would have loved and forgiven someone even if the person killed his family. i could never do that.
but hey, i'd like to have one heck of a time trying, because that is what God wants us to do. to be like Jesus.

fear of what may happen if we take a wrong step, of indeed, if we do the right thing may paralyse our ability to trust.

surrendering to Him is done step by step. little by little as we loosen our grip on our struggles and let Jesus take control, we learn how wonderful surrendering can be and we yearn to surrender more, until God willing, our whole lives are lived in full surrender to God.

No, i have not reached that goal. the learning process is long, and more often than we'd like to, we take our eyes off the goal and we stumble in the process.

yes, i fear. to me, my fear is so very real. but who can better lead me than the One who has it all planned out for me to perfection?

so i fall, knowing that the more i do, the more i stand to learn. only praying that i can one day surrender all.

i wanna fill this new frame, but it's empty

i got myself a job. it's actually the same one as last summer, the one with my aunt. honestly, i'm not really looking forward to waking at 6 am everyday but hey, i guess i gotta get used to it sometime or another.

watched a few movies the past few days.
indiana jones was really really boring, and it didn't help that it was very far-fetched so you can't help fidgeting and wishing it would end the whole 2 and a half hours.

superhero movie which does parodies from movies like spiderman and batman was funny, definitely an improvement from indiana jones but it's only about an hour long so it's not much.

kungfu panda was awe-some. really. it's really entertaining and being seated two rows from the front, that's saying something. it's got big names voicing the characters too like jack black, angelina jolie, lucy liu, seth rogen and jackie chan. i guess dreamworks does have a standard to live up to.

i don't really have much to talk about. i have yet to see my lecturer about my first year degree next semester. apparently it's kind of a big leap from foundation to first year so we gotta do some(actually, from what my friends shared, a lot) of studying during this break and that sucks cause it defeats the whole purpose of a 'break'. he's supposed to tell me what books to read for my programme and to give me the programming cd so i can start working on programming which is a pretty big part of electrical and electronics engineering first year.

i mean give me a break, i've barely gotten in the holiday mood and you want me to start studying again? no way! i haven't even gotten the results for the finals. actually, i don't think i want to. but it's not really an option la.

nice song.

Nicole Nordeman - Why

We rode into town the other day, just me and my Daddy.
He said I’d finally reached that age,
and I could ride next to him on a horse that of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting and so we stopped to find out why
There was that man that my dad said he loved,
but today there was fear in his eyes

So I said Daddy why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows

Daddy please can’t you do something?
He looks as though he’s gonna cry
You said he is stronger than all of those guys-
Daddy please tell me why,
why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
and daddy said I should go inside
Some how he knew things would get stormy,
boy was he right

But I could not keep from wondering
if there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out,

I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill
where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross:

And it said : Father why are they screaming.
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robes??
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows.

Father please can’t you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry.
I thought I could handle a cross of this size,
Father remind me why,
why does everyone want me to die.

When will I understand why?
My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus this hurts me much more than you know,
but this dark hour I must do nothing.
Though I’ve heard your unbearable cry —
the power in your blood destroys all the lies,
soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.

Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell you why,
she is why you must die.

I'll take what answers You supply, You know better than I

finals were pretty challenging for some papers, foundation is over, the celebrations were well deserved, and i'm back from camp. that's just to summarise what happened since the last time i updated.

i just got back from camp yesterday. i had a great time, and i don't think i've ever experienced playing pictionary the way i did in camp haha. you get the full effect of dorcas' wide wide vocabulary and when you get home you start reading the dictionary. haha no la.

hing's turning 18 on wednesday, and i really miss playing badminton with him and the rest. i've missed practically all the games they've had cause i just always seem to have plans then. i reckon hiewmun's self-restraint will crack before long. i've turned down every offer to play including today and tomorrow heheh. all i can say is i hope indiana jones lives up to all it's cracked up to be.

being brought up in a Christian family, i never really felt the need to ask God why when i'm faced with uncomprehensible situations. i just knew i had to have faith and it'll work out for my good in the end. until now. i've waited too long, for nothing much. and i really want to know why. the longer it drags, the more painful it becomes. but at the same time, experience brings understanding. that sometimes why shouldn't be asked at all. that God makes everything beautiful in His time. that our trust and faith is all we need.

Better Than I - David Campbell

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through

I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you

For you know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me

For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

begitu berat melangkah melihat kau bersamanya

it's weird how something or someone could have meant so much to you but doesn't anymore. that important part if your life is not so important now. makes you wonder if they really meant anything at all. if what you felt was real.

tell me what more do i need

wow i think time sprouted more wings and flew by faster than i can say finals! haha lame i know

anyhoo, i'm almost reaching the end of my foundation yess i see the light. Still, finals are almost here and after 2 whole weeks of study break, I basically just wasted more than a week and a half doing nothing. Well not exactly doing nothing but everything I did sure had nothing to do with preparing for the finals. I guess maybe having fun could count as a stress reliever.

So I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I had 4 more chapters of a subject that I had yet to finish and the paper begins in 15 minutes. With the exception of a snakes invading the world dream, that was the scariest dream I have ever had. Period. Period. (again in case you didn’t get the point haha)

I was freaking out (in my dream la) and the mixed emotions I had(if you would call it that in a dream hmm) was enough to make me start taking my studies seriously once I woke up. The phrase wake up call has never meant more to me than it does now.

I get selfish a lot. I forget you’re going through more than I am and I cannot see pass my self-centered egoistic mind. I tried to care but it came out forced. You still think the world of me and my pride gets kicked in the ***. I wish you wouldn’t be so nice.

God seems distant at times. I just know it’s me. If I don’t work to maintain this relationship,

I don’t even want to think about it.

turn me around, pick me up

found this on the internet while taking time out from javascript. i dont like javascript much. i like sausage pizza cheese pasta sushi. i think i have a great great greatest grandfather's sister's neighbour's teacher's sheep's owner's cow who's of italian japanese heritage and somehow it rubbed off me.

The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it

Major Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.

The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!

Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.

Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
We are working on something else.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried
We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned

The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties

We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Essentially complete.
Half done.

We predict...
We hope to God!

Drawing release is lagging.
Not a single drawing exists.

Risk is high, but acceptable.
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance.

Serious, but not insurmountable, problems.
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.

Not well defined.
Nobody has thought about it.

Requires further analysis and management attention.
Totally out of control.

The project is designed for high availability.
Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.

This project has low maintenance requirements.
We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.

The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.
The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.

The delivery is scheduled for the last quater of next year.
This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.

how could i think of turning back

i am confused.

sometimes i just don't understand myself. other times, too well.

james asked me today if i fixed my phone problem. (my bluetooth was cacat-ed so i sent it for repairs)
i said yeah, and told him it was the software problem and they changed and upgraded it.
he said, "So it wasn't my fault."
i laughed.

i always blamed his phone for my bluetooth malfunctioning cause i paired with his phone once and ever since then, my bluetooh died-ed.

i have no idea how to write an english report for a questionnaire. it's friday night, i havent started, the report is due monday and i'm going for badminton tomorrow. haha

i'm still confused. it's hard to identify rush of feelings.

i just. think.

"God is great, but sometimes life ain't good, when i pray, it doesn't turn out like i think it should, but i do it anyway."
Martina McBride

this is my rite of passage

this week is not a week to look forward to and all my coursemates definitely share the same feeling. this week is the week we have so many assignments, presentations, reports and tests to prepare for and complete, that i didn't want to wake up monday morning.

even with the heavy workload, we made time to go to mid valley on monday not wanting to miss out (actually failing to resist the temptation) on the promotion sushi king is having. however, we rushed through everything, pushing the speed limit as we raced home for, what else, work.

i have to say, i have been totally blessed with good assignment groups throughout this semester, and this is the semester with the most group assignments. today is friday. rest assured, my weekend will be spent in university preparing for presentations and a lot more.

next week will not exactly be an ideal week, but the week after next would be an extreme relief even though finals are on.

How can we keep drinking in God's blessings but fail, or rather refuse, to use it for His glory?
all the time.

don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are

okay, so here's the sad story.

me and my friends thought we'd take part in the sports week my uni was gonna have. you have to join in groups of 8, but only if there's space, so you gotta be quick. well we weren't. we took our time in registering and was told the spot to represent foundation in badminton was taken.

we weren't that disappointed to be honest. we just wanted to have some fun, though the guys are good. it's just us 3girls who need some, okay a lot of polishing up.

then like about 4days ago, i found out that us 3 girls were registered in the competition, cause there weren't any who signed up yet like the guys.

so then, the not so serious badminton sessions we had became like badminton training camp. The guys were like drill seargeants. okay, i'll be fair. they weren't that bad.

you see, to join with the others is one thing cause they'll probably sweep the competition, so it's okay if girls doubles and singles lose. but only us? there's just a huge possibility that we might be humiliated out of the court 21-nil. so clearly, the objective is not to win, but to get a couple of points and not lose the game in like, 5 minutes of something.

so here i am, over-exercised, tired and feeling the strain in all parts of my body. we went to uni a couple of times early in the morning during this long weekend to fit in some practice. we're getting better, but also more nervous. only God knows what state representatives we're going to be up against, us roadside badminton players.

the competition's on monday, so fingers and racquets crossed.