Friday, June 27, 2008

more than a name or a face in the crowd

can we fall out of love as easily as we fell into it? if so, were we even in love?

a lot of songs talk about a had-been love. many claim to have been in love, only to find themselves falling out of it. then was it truly love they experienced, or a strong attraction that fades with time? was it lust? was it an admiration towards certain attributes/talents?

consequently, the question that begs to be asked is, what is love?

does love really last forever? if it doesn't, that means the reason for one's love must have changed. but that would mean loving with condition. how then can that be love?

so are we capable of loving?
imperfectly, as we are i suppose. perhaps.

but then why the commandments to love if we are incapabable?

surely i have loved. but how do you explain the varying intensity of my love? at times it is passionate. others, it seems to be hanging by a thread.

God is love.

where does that leave us? mere recipients of that love? mortals who strive to love in the best way possible not knowing if we're doing it right, but knowing perfection is not within our reach?

i do not know. maybe.

fell right through the cries

it would be downright ungrateful to worry about my results and not turn back after that to give God the glory and praise Him for His grace. it's not much, but it's all His glory.

there is no other way i could have gotten what i got.

there never is.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

te red extinguishes the hope the green ignites

i got a wake up call from hiewmun at about noon today telling me she got her results through the mail and aced it as usual. (okay, she didn't exactly say that, but if 99 for algebra and 91 for maths is not good, i don't know what is.) that is not the way i want to be woken up.

reminds me of the day spm results came out. i got a similar wake up call from renuka telling me results are already out and would i get my butt off bed stop being a pig and come get it now. i just got back from national service the day before so my waking up late was totally forgivable.

anyways, back to the present.

in the process of jumping out of bed and switching on the computer, my heart was pounding like mad. i know i crashed and burned for some papers and i really really want(not to mention need) to keep my scholarship.

nervously browsing through the countless mails piling up in the inbox i barely opened since finals, i realised my results have not yet been mailed to me. after the whole near heart failure process i went through.
i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

so i took a shower instead.

Monday, June 23, 2008

it's not easy to be me

it seems pretty stupid to say it's not easy to be me. i mean i am who i am right? what's so hard about that?

we are who we are, and at times there are expectations of who we are supposed to be. people get to know you, and then they start setting standards they expect you to live up to. and that shouldn't be a problem because all we have to be are ourselves.

not really. expectations rise and we are pushed to be not necessarily someone better, but someone people think we should be. why? because we start thinking maybe that's who we should be too.

sometimes we exceed expectations. most of the time, we fall short.

in struggling to live up to ever mounting expectations, we become someone else, far from who we really are. who i really am.

i am who i am. if i try to please everyone, i'll never be myself. it sucks to disappoint, but it's worse to pretend.

i wish i could be someone better for you.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

you want to make a memory

Everyday about 3.30 pm, the IT officer in my office would run the EOD(end of day). this means that for the next hour or so we can't use a certain programme. usually i got something else to do, but having finished doing it, a colleague gave me something new to do.

~after explaining what i had to do..

ken: okay, so you might find a counter in the portfolio that's not in here *points to a paper in my right hand* why?

sarah: *laughs* i don't know.

ken: *in a teacherly manner* imagine you're buying shares and yada yada yada yada...

*understanding ceases and imagination starts wandering, landing in a situation where hannah(my accounting student sister)is in my place instead and how they would be having a wonderfully account-y conversation*

*snaps back*
ken: you know what you did just now with that sheet right? *points to the paper in my right hand again* so now you know why?

sarah: *a lil taken aback, laughs nervously* i don't know what this sheet is, and i didn't really know what i was doing just now.

ken: *not giving up and starts explaining again*

realising he wouldnt quit until i got it, i stopped laughing and started trying to understand what he was talking about.

finally i somehow managed to give him the right answer and he was satisfied.

that conversation made my day(what's left of it anyway) because i laugh everytime i think of it. i don't know why. i was never an accounts person and it was like he was trying to explain accounts to a potato. as in, you're just wasting your time.

last day tomorrow! i relish the opportunity to be able to sleep in late again.

Monday, June 16, 2008

You are magnificent, eternally

it's amazing how human beings' vocabulary have expanded over the years. descriptive words come in wide varieties.

that meal was wonderful.
that was an awesome movie.
i had a great day.
my friends are

just to name a few.

isn't it funny how these words are the same words we use to describe our God?
our God is an awesome God.
how great is our God.

these words are so commonly uttered that we unconciously incorporate them into our daily lives.
words like 'nice' don't seem to cut it anymore. people rarely say 'i had a nice day'. the word seems to fall short from describing an enjoyable day.

i figure even if a new word is made to portray God, it would probably sooner or later be used to describe a plate of spaghetti too.

our vocabulary is just too limited to truly describe the God of the universe. our understanding and imagination are confined.
i definitely don't hope we consider God and kungfu panda to be comparable!

i guess sometimes words really are not enough.

Monday, June 09, 2008

everything is beautiful, even when the tears are falling

Surrender is a pretty big word. it's about giving up when you can't take it anymore and leaving it in someone else's hands. surrendering to Jesus is a learning process. you don't just surrender cause someone said it's the right thing to do. it's not that easy.

i found that in learning to surrender, you are first overwhelmed by your struggles. people always remind us that the Bible says we should cast out anxieties on Him because He cares. i never got the meaning of casting my anxieties because no matter how much i cast, they still feel, well uncasted.

sure, i've surrendered, but it always seems that in the end, i take back my surrender.

they say we learn to walk through falling. 'they' have got their facts right. i would think it is impossible to truly surrender to God unless we have first experienced total helplessness.

doing what Jesus would have done is terribly hard. i mean, Jesus would have loved and forgiven someone even if the person killed his family. i could never do that.
but hey, i'd like to have one heck of a time trying, because that is what God wants us to do. to be like Jesus.

fear of what may happen if we take a wrong step, of indeed, if we do the right thing may paralyse our ability to trust.

surrendering to Him is done step by step. little by little as we loosen our grip on our struggles and let Jesus take control, we learn how wonderful surrendering can be and we yearn to surrender more, until God willing, our whole lives are lived in full surrender to God.

No, i have not reached that goal. the learning process is long, and more often than we'd like to, we take our eyes off the goal and we stumble in the process.

yes, i fear. to me, my fear is so very real. but who can better lead me than the One who has it all planned out for me to perfection?

so i fall, knowing that the more i do, the more i stand to learn. only praying that i can one day surrender all.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

i wanna fill this new frame, but it's empty

i got myself a job. it's actually the same one as last summer, the one with my aunt. honestly, i'm not really looking forward to waking at 6 am everyday but hey, i guess i gotta get used to it sometime or another.

watched a few movies the past few days.
indiana jones was really really boring, and it didn't help that it was very far-fetched so you can't help fidgeting and wishing it would end the whole 2 and a half hours.

superhero movie which does parodies from movies like spiderman and batman was funny, definitely an improvement from indiana jones but it's only about an hour long so it's not much.

kungfu panda was awe-some. really. it's really entertaining and being seated two rows from the front, that's saying something. it's got big names voicing the characters too like jack black, angelina jolie, lucy liu, seth rogen and jackie chan. i guess dreamworks does have a standard to live up to.

i don't really have much to talk about. i have yet to see my lecturer about my first year degree next semester. apparently it's kind of a big leap from foundation to first year so we gotta do some(actually, from what my friends shared, a lot) of studying during this break and that sucks cause it defeats the whole purpose of a 'break'. he's supposed to tell me what books to read for my programme and to give me the programming cd so i can start working on programming which is a pretty big part of electrical and electronics engineering first year.

i mean give me a break, i've barely gotten in the holiday mood and you want me to start studying again? no way! i haven't even gotten the results for the finals. actually, i don't think i want to. but it's not really an option la.

nice song.

Nicole Nordeman - Why

We rode into town the other day, just me and my Daddy.
He said I’d finally reached that age,
and I could ride next to him on a horse that of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting and so we stopped to find out why
There was that man that my dad said he loved,
but today there was fear in his eyes

So I said Daddy why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows

Daddy please can’t you do something?
He looks as though he’s gonna cry
You said he is stronger than all of those guys-
Daddy please tell me why,
why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
and daddy said I should go inside
Some how he knew things would get stormy,
boy was he right

But I could not keep from wondering
if there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out,

I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill
where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross:

And it said : Father why are they screaming.
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robes??
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows.

Father please can’t you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry.
I thought I could handle a cross of this size,
Father remind me why,
why does everyone want me to die.

When will I understand why?
My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus this hurts me much more than you know,
but this dark hour I must do nothing.
Though I’ve heard your unbearable cry —
the power in your blood destroys all the lies,
soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.

Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell you why,
she is why you must die.

Monday, June 02, 2008

I'll take what answers You supply, You know better than I

finals were pretty challenging for some papers, foundation is over, the celebrations were well deserved, and i'm back from camp. that's just to summarise what happened since the last time i updated.

i just got back from camp yesterday. i had a great time, and i don't think i've ever experienced playing pictionary the way i did in camp haha. you get the full effect of dorcas' wide wide vocabulary and when you get home you start reading the dictionary. haha no la.

hing's turning 18 on wednesday, and i really miss playing badminton with him and the rest. i've missed practically all the games they've had cause i just always seem to have plans then. i reckon hiewmun's self-restraint will crack before long. i've turned down every offer to play including today and tomorrow heheh. all i can say is i hope indiana jones lives up to all it's cracked up to be.

being brought up in a Christian family, i never really felt the need to ask God why when i'm faced with uncomprehensible situations. i just knew i had to have faith and it'll work out for my good in the end. until now. i've waited too long, for nothing much. and i really want to know why. the longer it drags, the more painful it becomes. but at the same time, experience brings understanding. that sometimes why shouldn't be asked at all. that God makes everything beautiful in His time. that our trust and faith is all we need.

Better Than I - David Campbell

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through

I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you

For you know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me

For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I