Thursday, April 30, 2009

i'm too shy to ask, i'm too proud to lose

Study week! Not really down with it yet, cause there still is time. It's parkinson's law. I can't help it.

Big time posers

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day

Exercise (this is cheating, we took this after our shower while waiting for the rest)

Poser lagi (it's raining outside!)

Taking a stroll around the lake to ease stress, never leaving the books behind haha

We really do study, honest

Anyway, it's been generally a pretty relaxing week for me, but mentally you can say i've been pretty active. I've used the week to really work on clearing my heart of all intents and purposes cause i want to be right before God. It wasn't a smooth sailing week in that aspect but i'm doing my best. I'm re-examining my motives, and asking God to help me do the right thing, act the right way even it there's something bigger, which in time He will show. A lot more work to be done on this heart.

Sometimes it's not about the right or the wrong, it's more of the 'is this the right time'? matter, so it's definitely not easy to adjust my actions around that. It's very frustrating, because i get so confused but i'm sure it's all part of the learning process.

Anyways, queenie lee has just consented to tempt me with krispy kremes just now so until now, i am still craving while she's off to pasar malam trying to find a substitute. Thanks a lot.

I dont need the fats.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Monday, April 20, 2009

when all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me

I know i'm supposed to be doing math now (test on wednesday) but i had this urge to blog about my monday haha which was nothing really special but an urge is an urge right? hmm, doesn't sound too right haha.


So we got home around 11.30pm yesterday after making a detour at shell to fill layyean's (car) tank and accidentally went into mcd's for chocolate sundae. I went to bed pretty early considering how late (or early depending on how you see it) i've been going to bed recently. It was harder to wake up in the morning than ever cause i knew i had to cover a few more topics for this electronics test i had today, but i got up without snoozing the alarm once haha.

Studied for about 2 hours and then hannah (on study break) woke up and for the next half hour or so we discussed about something that i want to but cannot share here but will as soon as it's not a secret anymore.. haha. Suspense leh?

Okay, my test begun at 3pm, and I left home at 2.30 cause usually it only takes me about 20 minutes tops to get to uni. Don't know what i was doing, i left home at about 2.35. At the toll, being the klutz that i am, i slammed my hand against the door frame while reaching out to pay the lady and skinned my thumb along with some flesh. It started bleeding but i didn't bother much and just wiped it away cause at that time i realised i had a chance of being late for this test.

Reaching uni at like 2.55, another problem. The parking was full. After a few rounds found a spot far from the exam hall. While rushing to the hall, i realised my thumb hasnt stopped bleeding so i had to make another detour to the washroom cause i thought washing it would help. It didn't. It just keep bleeding like my body had access blood and i had to get it all out. Rushing to the hall, i made it on time settled down and was still trying to stop the bleeding.

I didn't have any plaster with me so with no choice, i took a piece of tissue, wrapped it around the finger and stapled it together (cause alex only has stapler no cellophane tape haha) so as not to distract me during the test haha. On the test.. let's just say i know i've slacked and i'm determined to make it up during finals.

And to think when my mum said,
" Sarah, you leave at 2.30pm after you'll be late la."

And i replied,
"Don't worry la, wont wan."

Parents DO know best.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

there's nothing left of this fool

I feel like i'm barely hanging by a thread.

I haven't properly slept these past few nights, but no matter how late i stay up, the work seems neverending. Then there's that 2 tests next week that's weighing down my conscience all week telling me to start preparing but there's just no time for it. And finals are around the corner but we can't even afford to think about it yet.

Then there's camp preparation. Then i get a mail saying that we(bible study group on campus) are not supposed to screen dvds without approval and they need a synopsis of what we're watching.

Then there's people matters. So many people to deal with, so much patience and wisdom and humility required.

All these are already pulling me down but it doesnt matter so much cause i can still deal with it and i'm getting loads of help which really is a blessing.

What i can't deal with is the emotional stress. When out of nowhere i remember the fear. The fear that weighs me down more than anything else. I know everyone has fears, but what i can't understand is why i can't face up to this fear. It's not a big deal to anyone else, but why is it bothering me so much? I'm so, SO SICK of this.

Get over it already.

Friday, April 10, 2009

would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

What a week! It's been a really bittersweet week for me. To think that 4 days can bear so many emotions.

Stress is reaching maximum level, but somehow i still manage to hold it together. My partner and i have this project, a calculator, and it didn't work and for one week there was that crazy troubleshooting cause this project we're only given 4 weeks = 12 hours to come up with a fully functioning calculator. By God's grace (my lab partner, jon's a Christian too, which is awesome) we found the problem in the last 5 minutes of our last lab and everything just fell into place. Couldn't have done it without jon. But that's just hardware, now we're getting into full gear software.

Our workstation

You can imagine how it feels like to finally see this word!

Then there's another lab and another project with 2 other different partners, where i'm blessed again to have great partners.

Everything is due this month, and to top it all off, lecturers are having in-class tests that carry 10% each every week!

But studies aside, i've also been carrying the thought of the cross around with me more than ever all week. It's amazing how that memory never grows old, always seems as fresh as ever. As heartbreaking as ever, but then as joyful as ever.

I've heard of the Lifehouse Everything Skit quite some time ago, when a guy friend quietly admitted to me that he teared after watching the video. I checked it out, but it didn't have much effect on me. Sure, it was touching. But at that point in time, it just didn't have any effect on me, cause i guess i've also seen such skits before so it was nothing phenomenal.

Now, after weeks of practice with the youth cast of the exact same skit, i only need to listen to the song to visualise the acting. And last night, while preparing the ending video to the skit for tonight and easter, the song broke my heart.

Okay, as huge an influence as music has in my life, i've always been careful, cause i never want to be touched just because the music at that moment was right, or the atmosphere at that moment just climaxed. So let me tell you what just hit.

You're everything.

That line just broke down a lot of what i've been fighting with recently. The struggles that i've tried to share, but ultimately find that only God will fully understand.

Is everything fixed? No, of course not. The struggles will still have to be fought, the fears will still have to be met, and the pain will still have to be faced. But it doesn't hurt, to know that this God cares. This God, who went through so much more than i can ever fathom, who knows what i am going through, and who went through worse because He loves me.

He was broken for me. What can't i face with Him? What can be so great He cannot carry me through it?

So as we remember His sacrifice, as we walk through His life here on earth, as we walk through that night in Gethsemane, as we realise it was our hands, our sins that nailed him to the cross, may we remember just how much He loves us. And find comfort and strength in that.

He is everything.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

there's no greater joy

than knowing that we are being held in everlasting arms.

Ahh, it's been a hectic semester and all these will only end at the end of May. Good in a sense that it's a balanced kind of hectic, not just studies(though that alone i can lament forever, but let's keep focus here).

We finally pulled off the Kirchoff Charity Race, an event I was heading this semester, organized by the Institution of Engineering and Technology, of which I am the director of publicity. So basically, it's like the amazing race around uni where I was determined to torture encourage the participants to run more cause of what happened to us(TOU2GH youth) when michelle organized another race where I almost died(because of samuel grrr) haha. But that's a whole different story.

So it was pretty cool, we hit the target of 20 teams(2 per team) and then 2 more! It was really fun, I didn't head any stations cause I wanted to cycle around and see how everyone was doing. I had the most amazing committee behind me, without which none of my plans would succeed. We raised RM600!! when we only expected like RM200 so that was great.

Okay i cannot elaborate on everything I have been up to or this will be longer than you would like it to be haha.

Here's the thing. As busy as my weekdays are, they are nothing compared to my weekends. Or maybe it's cause weekeend is only 2 days. I feel like my weekdays are used to recuperate for weekends. But at least weekends are fun, no stress;)

There are those meetings on weekends, movies we cannot deny sometimes(heheh), practices, just everything that always takes up my weekends, and willingly I give them up haha. This weekend especially saturday is gonna be a 7 to 11 deal again but am looking forward to it.

Studies.. the usual. People talk about studies a lot, so i'll give it a rest and just say that my studies life is just like that of a typical student:)

God has been close all these while, and i guess that's really all that matters. As busy as I am, I have learnt and am still learning to blend everything together. Everything in moderation right?
Oh, and thank God for family and close friends. Really.

Am still losing hair. Hmm, weird way to end but gotta go eat freshly baked chocolate cake now so.. haha

I am so blessed.