on the outside shying away, on the inside dying to say

Dear God,

I have a lot of questions for You. But right now there's just one that's bugging me.

Is there a line between hypocrisy and ignorance? How do i figure that out? Or maybe it just isnt my responsibility to distinguish between them. How do i act? Maybe 'act' is a bad choice of words. What should i do?

You've been really good to me. Closer than ever, even when i tend to stray further. You answer a lot of my prayers really quickly, though not all with answers that i'd prefer. But You are God, after all.

You taught me SO much in such a short span of time, and just when i think i've had enough and need a break from learning, You tell me learning is for life, and i dont get a break. You push me gently, to my limits, only to reveal my weaknesses. But there, You reveal Your power. You humble me, because i am always too proud, and You remind me again and again, You are all i need.

Everyday is a surprise with You, i never know what You would bring me through each new day. I've learnt to accept that, perhaps not as gracefully as i should, but again i guess that's learning.

People are my strength, people are my weakness. The fears that follow me are like the thorn in Paul's flesh. It feels like a thorn in mine. I'd never be able to understand why i have to live with these fears, or maybe, it's just not the time.

I've made mistakes along the way, some i'm glad i did. Some, i just look back in regret wishing, really wishing i could time travel and just get a chance to relive those moments. (still wishing, i know with You all things are possible!) But i guess all these moments are the ones that make me who i am, or maybe, going to make me who you want me to be.

Am i happy? Yes Jesus, I am happy, right here right now, and eternally grateful for all that You've done with me, and all that You will do. But i want more. I want this joy to stem from eternal sources, not earthly ones. I want all these struggles that pop up and punctuate my joy be worth something in my life later. I want to be a better person. I dont want to take sides. The only side i'm on, is Yours.

I guess all i'm trying to say is-

I need You. But You already know that.

So, thank You.