so far, we are so close

Bing Bang Ding Dong BOOM!

and then it was 2009.

So, maybe not yet. But we're so close. What's another year? I guess it's another challenge. Another year of growing in our walk with Christ. And another year of just enjoying His working in our lives. Another year of trying to be that someone we wanna be so bad, but find it so hard to be. Christ-like.

Resolutions? I gave up on that, that's if I ever begun with it(Always centered around shedding pounds which never worked anyway). I find the best way for me to have resolutions is if I just do it you know? Drops the pressure a little.

If I'm gonna have one, the only one would be for me to just keep learning to live my life the way God wants me to. And that's pretty general so I guess it covers a broad spectrum which is just as well. And I'm sure it's one that's gonna keep me busy for the rest of the years God's gonna bless me with. Bits of these details? Those blogposts i try so hard to keep consistent over the year heheh.

I have so much to be thankful for, family I can count on, parents I can always look to as examples on how to live my life, friends who I am so blessed with, and most of all God's presence with me in every single moment I go through, good and bad. Truly, He is my closest friend. I am so blessed.

It's good to look how far He's brought us, not losing sight of what's ahead. I want to gain closure in this chapter of my life before a new one unfolds, but in the end, closure or not, I can rest assured He'll still take me through the next year.

You have made know to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.
Psalms 16:11

A hymn that echoes my heart's desire as 2009 approaches. I remember so well singing it when i was still a kid. Through the years, He's taught me the truth of these words. With God by my side, i say bring it on! haha

Another Year Is Dawning

Another year is dawning, dear Father, let it be
In working or in waiting, another year with Thee.
Another year of progress, another year of praise,
Another year of proving Thy presence all the days.

Another year of mercies, of faithfulness and grace,
Another year of gladness in the shining of Thy face;
Another year of leaning upon Thy loving breast;
Another year of trusting, of quiet, happy rest.

Another year of service, of witness for Thy love,
Another year of training for holier work above.
Another year is dawning, dear Father, let it be
On earth, or else in Heaven, another year for Thee.

Jesus, You are so, so good.

live the moment

Finally, finally, it's the end of the semesters and i get a break. A study break, but nevertheless. I have about two weeks to study for my finals in January, one that i'm pretty worried about because of some reasons that i will not go into.

Anyway, it's almost Christmas! So i'm gonna cut myself some slack and take a short(and i would like to think, well-earned) break before plunging into the study mode again. Just a short update. I don't have much to blog about now, pretty busy with plans before Christmas and everything. Did my Christmas shopping yesterday with Joseph and bought for everyone except my mum! I think she reads my blog sometimes so i wont go into details on why and what i plan to do and stuff just in case:)

I have something to tell y'all but i'll keep it for another day haha. Adios!

Once in a lifetime means there's no second chance

Random. I actually played pin the donkey's tail at some shopping mall when i was a kid. And I actually managed to get it right and won a piggy bank. Only, mine wasn't a pig. It's a poor man who got his head slit open so kids like me are encouraged to save money. I have him up till today. I just don't use him anymore.

It's funny, when on the rare occasions today people mention pin the donkey's tail, I feel pretty ancient though i grant you that the game probably existed long before I did. It's not hard to win, really. You just gotta get a rough idea of the donkey's tail's position before they blindfold you. I think this sort of game was created to boost children's confidence, if not just to make them happy.

End of random post.

I can't wait for this week to end. But life goes on regardless, right? People still need Jesus when I'm trying to finish assignment after assignment

let my walk speak loud

It is not easy to live what you believe. It's harder standing up for it. It's so difficult to be different, sometimes even among those of the same faith.

I am so tired.

because this moment's really all we have

So here's the deal. I was chatting with weiwen online and he was just telling me how he's preparing for his presentation, and we were just talking bout the hectic-ness of uni life. Then somehow we(I) got to the topic of me being fat and weiwen being weiwen starts rebutting all my points. Here's the gist of part of our conversation:

me: i am fat and that's a fact face it.
weiwen: no, you're not fat. anyway being thin is not that good also.
me: then? average right
weiwen: you are optimum
me: ??
weiwen: din't you learn bio? optimum=just nice.
me: i told you i almost always failed bio.
weiwen: if you want to know whether you are fat, go and look in the mirror and check if you're fat or not.
me: go to sleep tonight assured in the knowledge that i am fat.
weiwen: in the end, u are taking the whole journey back to the initial point.

If you noticed, weiwen tends to use a lot of, er, technical terms in his conversation i.e. optimum, initial point. No, i did not start because i wanted to feel good and have someone say i'm not fat. Weiwen is like a person you talk to at a pillow party.(one reason why i miss having him in my classes) I just tell him and enjoy the conversation that ensues because he's a guy and he makes me laugh. No, i do not have a crush on him haha.

Anyway, you all have a good weekend.

Your grace is enough for me

I didn't have classes today(only today) and so a battle ensued within me. Either i go to uni to get some questions answered by my lecturer(and celebrate kamhing's birthday) or i sleep in. I haven't had a chance to sleep in since forever, and by sleep in i mean 10am not 4pm yes i know, the world is changing. First obama, now me. I keep telling myself you're gonna get to sleep in for 4 months next summer just keep at it now!

See, being a barely average student, who gets good grades by God's grace alone, and by alone i mean alone alone, (which when i come to my senses and think about it, is actually the best thing to be proud about) i struggle a lot to keep up, and it doesn't help that i'm lazy. I think i've stressed enough in my previous post(s) about this attribute that i'm not proud of.

I am experiencing in a whole different way what it means when God said His power is made perfect in my weakness (2Cor 12:9). It doesn't mean when i don't feel weak his power is limited. It's just that when i realise how powerless i am, i begin to realise just how great He is. I fully rely on Him. When i think i have something to boast about, i take a lot of the glory unconsciously(excuses). But when i feel helpless i realise it's all Him, it was never me. My pride takes a hike, and i admit my limitations to embrace His sufficiency.

What's on my mind? Work, report, study, coursework, assignment, projects, tests and what not. I am stressed out, worried and everything a typical student is when all the work pile up. Inferiority rears its ugly head out sometimes and makes things worse. But somehow when i so desperately seek some sort of comfort, Jesus gives this peace which transcends all understanding.

His grace is enough.

you count it strange, so once did I

I love public transport. I love ktm. I mean how can you not love it right? The crowd, the shoving, the delays(hint: sarcasm)

So i took the ktm with hannah today to go to church for sketch practice. When i got into the train, somehow i got stuck in a spot where i couldnt move anywhere else. And beside me was this man around 50 who was sweating like no one's business which is perfectly fine i mean everyone sweats. The problem i have is that he just had to stand in the arms-raised-armpits-at-my-face position. I know it was a saturday morning and everything but the train wasnt that packed. In fact, by usual ktm standard, it was perfectly comfortable.

He couldve stood in a less smelly position or at least move his armpits somewhere where there wasnt anyone's face in the way inhaling his stink. That guy has major B.O. issues and don't get me started on how he was so annoying he had to move forward when i did to get some fresh(er) air, and move backward when i did to avoid him again, all the while spreading his offensive smell. I could not breathe, i am serious. So it's like i take one breath and try to make it last as long as possible before taking another.

So you can imagine my relief and desperate air-gasping when he went down at the next station. To avoid another such incident, i moved in a little towards a pole. Another mistake. There was this guy and his girlfriend holding the same pole which is great cause that pole is meant to be shared. Well, obviously that guy assumed he bought over the whole pole(which i dont think so because i didnt see no legal documents to prove that) cause he was leaning on the whole thing. So basically, he was leaning on my hand. I mean, honestly! I thought okay, maybe he didnt realise he was doing that so i moved my hand elsewhere. Still he comfortably rested his back on my hand.

At this time i was getting really annoyed. I mean this and Mr. Perfume and i haven't even had my breakfast! So i pushed him a little with my hand that he was resting on. And would you believe the guy had the nerve to just ignore it and continue leaning while trying to impress his girlfriend? Trust me, the temptation to say "Hello? Ini tangan saya kamu sandar tau?" was so overwhelming or perhaps just a slap in his face would suffice. But i just relented in the end and stood in a very awkward position until the next station which was our stop. Thank God for that.

Of course there was this guy whom hannah stood in front of who was happily picking his nose with such into-ness and then played with the result of his picking before throwing it away. And the people who just have to push their way through the packed staircase just to get one step ahead of you. Yeah sure, that makes a lotta difference. Did i mention the time when i was trying to get into a sardine can of a ktm and this girl behind me hooked(yes, hooked!) her fingers into the back pocket of my jeans just so she can get into the train?

One day on a 15 minute ktm ride was all i needed to get the worst impression of Malaysians. Where do they learn their manners, if they do learn any at all? Of course, it could've all been an illusion because i only took half an apple for breakfast. What a hope.

anything worth saying

it's been awhile since i last blogged, that blogger is no longer part of my webpage history. I guess you can say i've been having blogger's block. I still am actually, so why am i blogging now? Aside from the fact that i believe my blog is screaming for an update(or not), i am absolutely struggling to keep awake right now. Why blog? Well, it's between doing pre-lab and blogging so like a model student i chose blogging.

You're probably thinking well if you're sleepy go to sleep! Let me explain my predicament. It's 5.30pm on a saturday afternoon. We(me and my family) just came back from church after a whole day of shifting so naturally we are tired. And I went to sleep at 4am yesterday, getting only 3 hours worth of not-so-beauty sleep. Why did i go to bed so late? Cause i took a 6 hour nap on friday afternoon. Which brings me back to the point of why i am abstaining from taking a nap now, because i believe if i do, i will probably go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning again which is not the wisest thing to do when the next day is sunday.

Hence, the blogpost.

Everyone's supposed to take a nap before we go out to dinner to celebrate my dad's birthday. His birthday is on monday, and my hardcore party mum(haha, not really) plans to have a 3 day celebration and got my dad to take monday off since he's hitting the big five-oh this year. But obviously, after a big day of shifting, we're all not in the mood to go far so now we're thinking of someplace nice and near. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing more rewarding than serving God in any way(while shedding some nanopounds along the way of course).

We're planning to go watch the musical Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Footstool Players at pj with friends from church tomorrow night, and since my lab is on monday, and i would be out all day tomorrow, guess i should really get down to doing that pre-lab now.

oh procrastination is such a sweet escape.

You make it easier when life gets hard

This is what a 4 months break does to you. It makes you even lazier than you were before.(if you really knew me, you would agree that this is humanly impossible, but unfortunately, at my cost, i have found out that it is possible) I am just not ready to be thrown into the whole busy routine of a student life again. The tutorials, assignments, lab reports and even the effort of trying to decipher what they're teaching us in lectures seems unappealing at this moment.

I know i've had 1 week of class before this raya break, and to be honest i kept telling myself it all begins after this week so the first week kinda didn't count. It's well into sunday now, and i'm dreading the fact that i have to wake up at 7 am.

Yes, i know i have it easy, you should see how they work their students up in UTAR(i would know, my sister goes there). Still, this is my blog, and i can vent all the spoilt content of me that i want and you can't say anything about it. Well, not to my face anyway.

A lot of things have been going on in my life(haven't we all). Friends say i'm always busy, i say that's called having a life! Kidding of course, i'm trying very hard to make time for friends i haven't met in a long time. I'm confused a lot(i'm 19 so i figure it's pretty normal? or should i say i'm a Christian, i figure it's pretty normal?) but i think through my confusions God is teaching me a whole lot, patience most of all. That some things are solved by mere patience. The urge to rush things towards their proposed solution normally hits a wall. No need for all that detailed troubleshooting. But of course. He makes all things beautiful in His time.

...God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalms 73:26

and my eyes they look unto You always

Is there a standard I must live up to? Is there a certain way I must bring myself just because I have the years? Shouldn't it come naturally then? Why am I trying so hard? Why is it even bothering me so much? If I've got it all wrong, will I know? Am I causing them to stumble when I become confused? James said ask for wisdom and it will be given me. Goodness knows i can't differentiate between wisdom and instinct right now.

Argh.

so bring on the rain, and bring on the thunder

Wow. I had a long week, crazy but fun. Classes started and so i am (finally) an undergraduate, cause i feel like i've been telling people i'm in foundation since forever. Classes have been great, I have a lecturer who has the exact same accent as Zohan. I hated the movie because it was made up of dirty totally unfunny jokes, but i really like this lecturer.

Because my mum's not home, on top of homework I now have chores to do. Since my mum left at short notice and we all had plans for the day, she basically had 10 minutes to teach me how to iron before i went out. So that's my chore. Actually, i did learn how to iron in national service, but since one ironing board had to be shared among 32 people, and i am an absolute snail in ironing, my dormmates always offered to iron for me to speed up the process, no complains there.

It's been working out pretty well. Except that now, one week later, we really really miss home cooked food and are honestly getting sick of hawker food. (Well, we already felt it on the 3rd day) We daren't start our first cooking lesson without our mum in fear of her returning to a non-existent kitchen, destroyed by her 3 daughters to whom she entrusted the kitchen which also happens to be her favourite hangout.

The most amazing thing is, bekah has been having bread almost everyday for recess, lunch and dinner and still she still doesn't mind having it. I had it for one meal and until now, i steer clear. I had a whooping one week's worth of classes(friday's cancelled) and now another week of break.

We are definitely too spoilt.

drive until you lose the road

We had registration monday to settle payment and all the miscellaneous. it was done in separate rooms, so it went something like this:

room1: verify documents.

room2: check receipt.

room3: left blue form in room2. went back to look for it.

room4: left library card in room3, recovered it, came back to room4, realised handbook(which contains all important documents) left in room3 also. all dignity gone, shuffles back to room3, secretly grateful the lady at room4 didn't demand there and then that i'd better check if i had everything before i sit before her again. or maybe i got up and left too abruptly i didn't give her a chance.

Induction was on tuesday, and we all know how exciting inductions can get. ganesan, my high school classmate, who also just happens to be the tallest guy in kajang if not on earth, is leaving for the land of westlife(ireland, for the uninitiated) so i'm turning my room upside down for any old westlife posters so he can get them autographed. No, really.

Was looking through my pictures for a picture with him in it and i actually found this mugshot of him. It was during science and technology month in form 5. note the head nearly touching the celing. I'll try not to fall sick until you graduate so i can get free medical treatment.

break with the ones you've followed

You know, it's emotionally and spiritually draining to have to let go of something, or indeed, someone that means something in our lives. The battle with ourselves, the endless reasoning with God is exhausting. Before letting go, the thought of living without it seems impossible.

A lot of times, we are forced to, rather than it being a willing act. Whatever it is that makes us let go, whether it be coercion or not, it works. Why? Cause we will never learn to live without it until we actually don't have it. Refusal to let go, or efforts to delay its release is waste of precious time when we could already be learning to move on without it.

Some things have to go. Things that do us no good, things that hinder our walk with Christ. It may feel crazily, insanely impossible to do without, but you will. It's the letting go that's hard. Isn't it always?

On a completely unrelated note, I am so in love with tgv's popcorn. What's the word that stronger than craving but milder than obsession? Well, whatever it is, I am that. Gsc and imax's popcorn are just not the same. With tgv's popcorn, the movie is the side serving, the popcorn is the main attraction, oh yeah! By the time the trailers play I am scraping the bottom of the barrel. And this is the largest barrel they have, mind you.

I have not really learnt to let go easily yet, but i have learnt that I have to. That it will get better once i do.

So let go it is.

i know what's at stake

Action speaks louder than words.

Is it not human to want to explain everything with words? How can we ever be content with doing, and not always saying? A lot of times the words come in a rush, desperate to justify. But let's face it. When a person's mind is dead set against you, nothing you say will ever make a difference, no matter how much sense you're making. No matter if what you're saying is the truth.

Why do we prefer words? I think it's cause words are instantaneous. Or rather, the effect of it is. We want swift justice, words seem the best choice. We want to force people to understand, words are our only weapon.

On the other hand, action takes too long to really see its effect, if ever. I don't wanna be mistreated or judged while all i can do is stand my ground, and wait for them to see they were wrong about me. But it is this that works. Wonders.

Words are important, of course they are. But in certain situations, action is so much more. So i'm gonna try to live through my actions. Jesus Christ can be made known through them.

I can claim justice, if only i will wait.

all i have in you is more than enough

i was reading today's daily bread and it said this: when Christ is the center of your interests, life will be in focus.

it's really interesting, because at the same time i was listening to shane & shane's song yearn, and i was pondering on the fact that i am not yearning enough for God. instead, i yearn for the things this world has to offer. then i wonder why life doesn't seem fulfilling at times, why am i not satisfied. it's because i long for the worldly things, things that don't last. things like fame, material things, a perfectly planned event instead of the fellowship during that event, temporary love.. all these things don't satisfy. i know. i've tried. i know you have too.

yearn: desire strongly or persistently

i have yearned for acceptance, understanding, answers. in the same way, i want to yearn for Christ. if you experience a close relationship with Christ, you will come to realise that once you know Christ, you don't feel the need to know anything else. He is more than enough.

when everyday is lived in yearning for Christ, life makes sense. because in Him, satisfaction can be found.

Shane and Shane- Yearn

holy design
this place in time
that i might seek and find my God
my God

Lord i want to yearn for You
i want to burn with passion
over You and only You
Lord i want to yearn

Your joy is mine
yet why am i fine
with all my singing and bringing grain
in light of Him

oh You give life and breath
through Him You give all things
in Him we live and move
that's why i sing

there's just no getting over you

Kaiseng helped me borrow some books from my uni library(he's the best. He does so many favours and he never complains... well, not yet haha) that my lecturer asked me to prepare for my degree next month. (he says it's necessary or else i wouldn't do it!) i'm 3 months late in seeing him(hehe) so for this c programming he asked me to get one that does express teaching.

this is the book.

21 days... should be a relatively thin book.

this is its thickness.

21 days? i don't read that much in 21 years! well yeah i haven't even turned 19, but that's not the point. the point is... actually i don't know. are you kidding me? 900+ pages in 21 days?
what do you want me to say? i'm struck dumb by the very burden of completing it crashing down on me.(dramatic, i know. but then again, is it really?)

youth anniversary at sunway lagoon was great fun!! i'm uloading and tagging pictures on facebook i can't do it here again. if you don't have facebook, check out jonathan's blog(linked at the side). he'll try his best to upload some pictures, right jon? haha

i think elefant's a pretty cool band.

tomorrow's so far away

i would never have believed it if you told me i would be doing subtitles as a job. well, i am.
no, i don't get to write my name at the end.

i translate english to malay for anime videos. yeah, can you believe it? i dislike(hate's too strong a word) anime with a passion, and here i am translating these videos and though i only get to read the script and not see the videos, i have to say SOME of the storylines are pretty captivating. i guess some things are best described with words and not pictures.

malaysia being the motherload of all pirated discs, subtitles just don't make sense most of the time. as much as i would like to humour someone, i hope with all my heart my subtitles don't make someone laugh, because we all have our laugh-my-head-off moments with subtitles.

this is my most defining subtitle moment.

english: my lips are sealed.
malay: bibir saya anjing laut.

i rest my case.

i was sitting, waiting, wishing

once upon an afternoon, while i was bumming around the house, i got a job. haha yupe, no searching efforts required. just one phonecall from hiewmun asking if i wanted this translating job. i do have to go for an interview, but i think it's just a formality thing. i hope! yeah hiewmun has my back, even when i don't have my own back.

i watched 21, the new movie. i had the time of my life really. cause i absolutely loved it. it's about this group of students using basic math to win at blackjack. the incorporated mathematics in the movie intrigued me and totally caught my attention. it got me trying(and of course failing, but nevertheless) to understand when they explained simple concepts of the math involved.
kaiseng was explaining what he understood to me in the elevator but it kinda makes us appear like freaks so haha.

i've been thinking about this one thing- going out of our way for someone. what triggered this in my mind?

well, i was recently blessed with this video sermon that served as a hard reminder. God saw us when we had no way out from our sins. we could have done nothing about it, headed for death. hell. but God made a way. He sent Jesus, holy, to die and pay for our sins.
You see, the point is God would not have been an unjust God had He not decided to send Jesus. but because He could, He went out of His way to save us. He didn't have to, make no mistake.

i don't go out of my way to help people much, if not at all. being the selfish person that i am, i couldn't be bothered. i want to. it's inconvenient(that's the whole point of going out of the way) but i don't just want to try. i really want to fall in step with God even though my sacrifice could never be as great or be worth as much. i want to go out of my way for the little things that no one but God would notice, for the big things that would give glory to God.

i am so selfish and proud. yes, i've been thinking a lot about this too cause it strikes me hard and i don't like it. but i guess this post should end. maybe another day.

big and small, God take all the glory.

this much remains

life is tiring. really. and coming from someone who sleeps three quarters of the day away everyday, that's saying something.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest
Matthew 11:28

Passion was great! sure, there was a little damper at the end that Chris Tomlin didnt plan to give his guitar away(to me) but that aside, it was a glimpse of how it would be like in heaven. how multitudes would be worshipping our God. just a teeny-weeny glimpse. awesome.

well, we know how all good things have to come to an end(except eternity in heaven!) but Passion was like a recharge. a reminder of what we're living for, and a reminder of what awaits us at the end.

a reminder of what our lives(that so often we take for granted) had cost.

God is awesome, and the fact that He loves me is amazing enough. i could sing forever.

can't let me feel what i can't have

to praise even when it's hard, God grant me the grace.
to sing even when the tears flow, God grant me the grace.
to worship even when doubts and fears paralyse in the midst of song, God grant me the grace.

Jesus i need You.

i'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough

It’s Friday already(again!). So many Fridays, still so many more to go.
I watched Batman twice, which is not really enough for such a good movie. Though not everything is exactly the same as the novel (yes, there is a batman novel) or the comics, the crux of the story is there.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD
In one scene, The Joker says this:

You see, nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If I told people that a gangbanger was going to get shot, or a busload of soldiers was going to get blown up, nobody would panic. Because it's all part of the plan. But tell people that one tiny little mayor is going to die and everyone loses their minds!

The Joker is insane (is he really though?) but he makes a good point. Isn’t this how we are? Yes, we pride ourselves in our ability to enjoy surprises, to be excited about that occasional unknown we plunge ourselves into. Still, we usually want a plan. Not a detailed one maybe, but a rough sketch to give us an idea of what’s going to happen. Sure, at times a plan is definitely necessary. It wouldn’t be wise to run an event without planning it beforehand. ‘He who fails to plan plans to fail’ right? But some things are beyond planning. We can plan our daily routine, what we have for dinner, what course we want to take, but there is always the situation when something unexpected, out of the plan, happens. Then our faith is tested. We struggle to keep faith in light of what’s happened, but secretly we long for the reason. Desiring to interrogate God, to ask Him why is it happening? What is Your plan for me?

And then towards the end of the movie, Harvey Dent says this:

You thought we could be decent men at indecent times. But you were wrong; the world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance.

This feeling is no stranger to me, as I’m sure it isn’t to many of us. More often than our conscience would allow us to, we wonder why are we trying to be different. What’s the point? It’s not as if my actions are going to change the world. The only thing it’s doing for me is make everyone look at me as a freak, mocking me for my stupidity of trying to be decent in indecent times. The things that are happening in the world today, sometimes only the most profane words make sense. But the thing is, it’s not our job to make things happen. What we do is be different, upholding morality, decency. How that affects people is God’s work.

There was this one scene where there’re two ferries, one carrying innocent citizens, the other convicted felons. The Joker threatens to blow both ferries up, unless one of them blows the other up first before midnight.
The people start reasoning among themselves. Some say the criminals have had their chance. Better them than innocent citizens. Besides, it’s better to have one ferry blown up than both right?

This scene deals with such a real issue. We all want to do what’s right, but sometimes, we don’t know what’s right. At times like these, thank God we have the Holy Spirit in us to lead us.

It's my parents' wedding anniversary today.

22 years down the road...

and 3 biji kids later(yes, three. the third is squashed at the bottom)...

God is so good.

it's time to break these chains, to look you in the eye

found this on youtube. chipmunks doing tim mcgraw's 'live like you were dying'. love it even more now haha.

My new goal to help fill my seemingly endless holidays is to pick up where i left canon in d. which would be a bit of the intro and a few seconds o the oh-so-famous riff. it's originally a piano piece which a mr. funtwo played on his electric and got me and everyone mesmerised. you can watch it on youtube. just search canon in d funtwo.

i haven't touched my electric for quite some time already, always preferring the acoustic simply because that doesn't involve messy wires and pedals. i would just leave them in their tangled state which would make life much easier for especially in learning canon in d but my mum wouldn't be very down with that, 'nuff said.

so anyway, what brought this revelation on? well sueyen recently had her life enlightened by that great video and she asked me if i could play. that made me itch to learn it(again).

you see, canon is the kind of song that you eagerly start learning, pronounce impossible(funtwo sets a pretty high standard), listen, fall in love all over again, regain fervour and reprint tabs(having lost the old ones). this cycle is very much a part of my life since i was first exposed to the life-changing video years ago, and i got a feeling it will continue to be so. still, 2 months might change everything.

the thing is, walking with Christ is very much like that. there is a time we make resolutions to be faihful in our daily walk. after awhile, our passion fades and we lose that spiritual fervour. then something happens that sparks off what we left hanging and we become that eager Christian again. oh how i can testify to having run that cycle over and over again. it is a very hard relationship to maintain. because it is a relationship that requires us to do a lot of things we don't want to do. but it produces the sweetest results. isn't that how it is? the more effort you put into a relationship, the better it becomes.

that's what love is all about. sacrifice. one party already did. now it's our turn. don't let monotony turn us off. like canon, it is not impossible though at times it may feel that way.
so, i'm going to print the tabs now.

never say never, right?

like a beat that you can't follow

so much you do not know. so little you actually understand. the wound runs deep. you think you know what's behind the facade. far from that. why would you even try to comprehend? this journey of healing is for one. with The One.

*

i am becoming a nocturnal being. i find it almost impossible to sleep before 3-4 am. i don't think it's insomnia. i do a lot of sleeping, just at the wrong time. it's not very fun when almost everyone you would feel comfortable chatting with are dreaming away at this hour, except dom. you can find him online waiting for his food to digest before going jogging at a park near his house. at 2 am.

actually i wouldn't mind joining him for these jogs. but he's all the way in kepong. imagine waking my parents at 2 am and telling them i'm going to a park in kepong for a jog and i'll be back at dawn. hahaha.

2 more months. this summer break has passed by the quickest. i miss my friends, i miss studying (noi'mnotafreak) but i've still got a lot of fun quota to fill.

walk with me, why don't you?

if you give a little more than you're asking for

He's so mysterious. He works in ways we cannot see, though we sure wish we could. He gives and takes away. makes us wonder if He was planning to take away, why did He have to give in the first place? so we can experience the joy of having, but then the pain of losing? where's the sense in that?

then there are times we see why it has to be done. but we can't help but wonder at the method at which it was done, and we ask why couldn't it be another way? a less painful way which would have achieved the same ultimate motive. or not.

He says it's all in His plan for us. all these pain will pay off someday in someway. it's for our own good. Well, sometimes it's so easy to forsake His will and satisfy ours instead because the consequences are not immediate. they come later down the road. one which we couldn't see clearly, clouded by our desire to fulfill momentary wants. because moments are when we are so sure we are doing the right thing, failing to recognise that the feeling is actually mere human senses being satisfied.

it's so human, to not be able to see and appreciate what good it will do us in the future, how we are being moulded, all the time wishing to live for our now. deep down we know He's shaping us for the better of days to come. but who cares? i want to be happy now. i won't think about how it may affect the future me. i'll cross that bridge when i come to it.

He is God.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

and thank God for that. i desperately need that childlike faith, to not fully comprehend what's going on in my life, but to trust everything unto Him. knowing that His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts higher than my thoughts.

understanding can cause so much pain, because we'll find we can't. but trusting gives this relief because we're letting go all that we do not know into the hands of The One who knows all.

like a runaway train but i can't walk away

was in mid valley yesterdy and saw a faber castell pen selling for rm11,400. coming from a world dominated by 70 cents kilometricos, i was stunned to say the least. now, to splurge so much on a PEN, you would probably have to be a squillionaire or very very very too into pens. not healthy. definitely not very good stewardship.

i think the most i ever paid for a (gel)pen was rm4. and that's only because my body seems to be anti ballpen. no ballpen will work after 3 days with me. it's a real mystery.

so anyway apparently, this particular pen has been awarded the pen of the year award. i figure it must be a pretty big award in the world of pens. it probably beat the rest with its ability to write cheques out of thin air or have ink so brilliant it can blind you. i'm not sure. i'll let you know when i have rm11,400 to spend on a pen.

imagine, i would probably have to fork out a few thousand buckeroos just for a refill.

for beauty in the broken

i have been supressing my creative juices. now i'm ready to let them flow(okayy i know i'm far from creative. i can wish can't i?). haha neh, i got no intelligent mind boggling life changing revolutionary (exaggeration makes everything sound so much nicer than it is) discovery to share. life is good when all you have to study is the list of new movie releases.

i have been very into estranged's single itu kamu. but i can't help disapproving of their album title- in hating memory. i mean like, negative much? but then again, the world's pretty bent on being negative especially now.

international artistes love expressing hate, anger and indeed, suicide encouragement(maybe it's just me, but sean kingston's song beautiful girls which goes 'suicidal' x1000 annoys me) in their music. i guess malaysian artistes are taking that step in hope of more fame. cause really, songs like these are a hit especially with teenagers.
hatred is sown, and more are unnecessarily becoming angry people. you don't shoot your family member just cause you didn't get your way. you just don't.
music is just one(really big) way people are influenced.

living in a world like this, it's no wonder we find God's command to 'rejoice in the Lord always'(philippians 4:4) difficult to adhere to. still, the reason for our joy is not affected by worldly circumstances. as Christians we should always keep this joy alive in our hearts not only to keep us positive, but also cause it helps lead people to this same joy. being around happy people makes us happy.

kajang has this new food court called happy happy cafe haha. that's a start.

more than a name or a face in the crowd

can we fall out of love as easily as we fell into it? if so, were we even in love?

a lot of songs talk about a had-been love. many claim to have been in love, only to find themselves falling out of it. then was it truly love they experienced, or a strong attraction that fades with time? was it lust? was it an admiration towards certain attributes/talents?

consequently, the question that begs to be asked is, what is love?

does love really last forever? if it doesn't, that means the reason for one's love must have changed. but that would mean loving with condition. how then can that be love?

so are we capable of loving?
imperfectly, as we are i suppose. perhaps.

but then why the commandments to love if we are incapabable?

surely i have loved. but how do you explain the varying intensity of my love? at times it is passionate. others, it seems to be hanging by a thread.

God is love.

where does that leave us? mere recipients of that love? mortals who strive to love in the best way possible not knowing if we're doing it right, but knowing perfection is not within our reach?

i do not know. maybe.

fell right through the cries

it would be downright ungrateful to worry about my results and not turn back after that to give God the glory and praise Him for His grace. it's not much, but it's all His glory.

there is no other way i could have gotten what i got.

there never is.

te red extinguishes the hope the green ignites

i got a wake up call from hiewmun at about noon today telling me she got her results through the mail and aced it as usual. (okay, she didn't exactly say that, but if 99 for algebra and 91 for maths is not good, i don't know what is.) that is not the way i want to be woken up.

reminds me of the day spm results came out. i got a similar wake up call from renuka telling me results are already out and would i get my butt off bed stop being a pig and come get it now. i just got back from national service the day before so my waking up late was totally forgivable.

anyways, back to the present.

in the process of jumping out of bed and switching on the computer, my heart was pounding like mad. i know i crashed and burned for some papers and i really really want(not to mention need) to keep my scholarship.

nervously browsing through the countless mails piling up in the inbox i barely opened since finals, i realised my results have not yet been mailed to me. after the whole near heart failure process i went through.
i didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

so i took a shower instead.

it's not easy to be me

it seems pretty stupid to say it's not easy to be me. i mean i am who i am right? what's so hard about that?

we are who we are, and at times there are expectations of who we are supposed to be. people get to know you, and then they start setting standards they expect you to live up to. and that shouldn't be a problem because all we have to be are ourselves.

not really. expectations rise and we are pushed to be not necessarily someone better, but someone people think we should be. why? because we start thinking maybe that's who we should be too.

sometimes we exceed expectations. most of the time, we fall short.

in struggling to live up to ever mounting expectations, we become someone else, far from who we really are. who i really am.

i am who i am. if i try to please everyone, i'll never be myself. it sucks to disappoint, but it's worse to pretend.

i wish i could be someone better for you.

you want to make a memory

Everyday about 3.30 pm, the IT officer in my office would run the EOD(end of day). this means that for the next hour or so we can't use a certain programme. usually i got something else to do, but having finished doing it, a colleague gave me something new to do.

~after explaining what i had to do..

ken: okay, so you might find a counter in the portfolio that's not in here *points to a paper in my right hand* why?

sarah: *laughs* i don't know.

ken: *in a teacherly manner* imagine you're buying shares and yada yada yada yada...

*understanding ceases and imagination starts wandering, landing in a situation where hannah(my accounting student sister)is in my place instead and how they would be having a wonderfully account-y conversation*

*snaps back*
ken: you know what you did just now with that sheet right? *points to the paper in my right hand again* so now you know why?

sarah: *a lil taken aback, laughs nervously* i don't know what this sheet is, and i didn't really know what i was doing just now.

ken: *not giving up and starts explaining again*

realising he wouldnt quit until i got it, i stopped laughing and started trying to understand what he was talking about.

finally i somehow managed to give him the right answer and he was satisfied.

that conversation made my day(what's left of it anyway) because i laugh everytime i think of it. i don't know why. i was never an accounts person and it was like he was trying to explain accounts to a potato. as in, you're just wasting your time.

last day tomorrow! i relish the opportunity to be able to sleep in late again.

You are magnificent, eternally

it's amazing how human beings' vocabulary have expanded over the years. descriptive words come in wide varieties.

that meal was wonderful.
that was an awesome movie.
i had a great day.
my friends are amazing.

just to name a few.

isn't it funny how these words are the same words we use to describe our God?
our God is an awesome God.
how great is our God.

these words are so commonly uttered that we unconciously incorporate them into our daily lives.
words like 'nice' don't seem to cut it anymore. people rarely say 'i had a nice day'. the word seems to fall short from describing an enjoyable day.

i figure even if a new word is made to portray God, it would probably sooner or later be used to describe a plate of spaghetti too.

our vocabulary is just too limited to truly describe the God of the universe. our understanding and imagination are confined.
i definitely don't hope we consider God and kungfu panda to be comparable!

i guess sometimes words really are not enough.

everything is beautiful, even when the tears are falling

Surrender is a pretty big word. it's about giving up when you can't take it anymore and leaving it in someone else's hands. surrendering to Jesus is a learning process. you don't just surrender cause someone said it's the right thing to do. it's not that easy.

i found that in learning to surrender, you are first overwhelmed by your struggles. people always remind us that the Bible says we should cast out anxieties on Him because He cares. i never got the meaning of casting my anxieties because no matter how much i cast, they still feel, well uncasted.

sure, i've surrendered, but it always seems that in the end, i take back my surrender.

they say we learn to walk through falling. 'they' have got their facts right. i would think it is impossible to truly surrender to God unless we have first experienced total helplessness.

doing what Jesus would have done is terribly hard. i mean, Jesus would have loved and forgiven someone even if the person killed his family. i could never do that.
but hey, i'd like to have one heck of a time trying, because that is what God wants us to do. to be like Jesus.

fear of what may happen if we take a wrong step, of indeed, if we do the right thing may paralyse our ability to trust.

surrendering to Him is done step by step. little by little as we loosen our grip on our struggles and let Jesus take control, we learn how wonderful surrendering can be and we yearn to surrender more, until God willing, our whole lives are lived in full surrender to God.

No, i have not reached that goal. the learning process is long, and more often than we'd like to, we take our eyes off the goal and we stumble in the process.

yes, i fear. to me, my fear is so very real. but who can better lead me than the One who has it all planned out for me to perfection?

so i fall, knowing that the more i do, the more i stand to learn. only praying that i can one day surrender all.

i wanna fill this new frame, but it's empty

i got myself a job. it's actually the same one as last summer, the one with my aunt. honestly, i'm not really looking forward to waking at 6 am everyday but hey, i guess i gotta get used to it sometime or another.

watched a few movies the past few days.
indiana jones was really really boring, and it didn't help that it was very far-fetched so you can't help fidgeting and wishing it would end the whole 2 and a half hours.

superhero movie which does parodies from movies like spiderman and batman was funny, definitely an improvement from indiana jones but it's only about an hour long so it's not much.

kungfu panda was awe-some. really. it's really entertaining and being seated two rows from the front, that's saying something. it's got big names voicing the characters too like jack black, angelina jolie, lucy liu, seth rogen and jackie chan. i guess dreamworks does have a standard to live up to.

i don't really have much to talk about. i have yet to see my lecturer about my first year degree next semester. apparently it's kind of a big leap from foundation to first year so we gotta do some(actually, from what my friends shared, a lot) of studying during this break and that sucks cause it defeats the whole purpose of a 'break'. he's supposed to tell me what books to read for my programme and to give me the programming cd so i can start working on programming which is a pretty big part of electrical and electronics engineering first year.

i mean give me a break, i've barely gotten in the holiday mood and you want me to start studying again? no way! i haven't even gotten the results for the finals. actually, i don't think i want to. but it's not really an option la.

nice song.

Nicole Nordeman - Why

We rode into town the other day, just me and my Daddy.
He said I’d finally reached that age,
and I could ride next to him on a horse that of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting and so we stopped to find out why
There was that man that my dad said he loved,
but today there was fear in his eyes

So I said Daddy why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I bet that crown hurts him more than he shows

Daddy please can’t you do something?
He looks as though he’s gonna cry
You said he is stronger than all of those guys-
Daddy please tell me why,
why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
and daddy said I should go inside
Some how he knew things would get stormy,
boy was he right

But I could not keep from wondering
if there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out,

I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill
where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from a cross:

And it said : Father why are they screaming.
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robes??
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows.

Father please can’t you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry.
I thought I could handle a cross of this size,
Father remind me why,
why does everyone want me to die.

When will I understand why?
My precious Son, I hear them screaming.
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
but soon I will clothe you in robes of my own.
Jesus this hurts me much more than you know,
but this dark hour I must do nothing.
Though I’ve heard your unbearable cry —
the power in your blood destroys all the lies,
soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.

Look there below see the child trembling by her father’s side.
Now I can tell you why,
she is why you must die.

I'll take what answers You supply, You know better than I

finals were pretty challenging for some papers, foundation is over, the celebrations were well deserved, and i'm back from camp. that's just to summarise what happened since the last time i updated.

i just got back from camp yesterday. i had a great time, and i don't think i've ever experienced playing pictionary the way i did in camp haha. you get the full effect of dorcas' wide wide vocabulary and when you get home you start reading the dictionary. haha no la.

hing's turning 18 on wednesday, and i really miss playing badminton with him and the rest. i've missed practically all the games they've had cause i just always seem to have plans then. i reckon hiewmun's self-restraint will crack before long. i've turned down every offer to play including today and tomorrow heheh. all i can say is i hope indiana jones lives up to all it's cracked up to be.

being brought up in a Christian family, i never really felt the need to ask God why when i'm faced with uncomprehensible situations. i just knew i had to have faith and it'll work out for my good in the end. until now. i've waited too long, for nothing much. and i really want to know why. the longer it drags, the more painful it becomes. but at the same time, experience brings understanding. that sometimes why shouldn't be asked at all. that God makes everything beautiful in His time. that our trust and faith is all we need.

Better Than I - David Campbell

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here

So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through

I try to do what's best
And faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my trust in you

For you know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was you who taught that bird to fly
If I let you reach me will you teach me

For You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I

begitu berat melangkah melihat kau bersamanya

it's weird how something or someone could have meant so much to you but doesn't anymore. that important part if your life is not so important now. makes you wonder if they really meant anything at all. if what you felt was real.

tell me what more do i need

wow i think time sprouted more wings and flew by faster than i can say finals! haha lame i know

anyhoo, i'm almost reaching the end of my foundation yess i see the light. Still, finals are almost here and after 2 whole weeks of study break, I basically just wasted more than a week and a half doing nothing. Well not exactly doing nothing but everything I did sure had nothing to do with preparing for the finals. I guess maybe having fun could count as a stress reliever.

So I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I had 4 more chapters of a subject that I had yet to finish and the paper begins in 15 minutes. With the exception of a snakes invading the world dream, that was the scariest dream I have ever had. Period. Period. (again in case you didn’t get the point haha)

I was freaking out (in my dream la) and the mixed emotions I had(if you would call it that in a dream hmm) was enough to make me start taking my studies seriously once I woke up. The phrase wake up call has never meant more to me than it does now.

I get selfish a lot. I forget you’re going through more than I am and I cannot see pass my self-centered egoistic mind. I tried to care but it came out forced. You still think the world of me and my pride gets kicked in the ***. I wish you wouldn’t be so nice.

God seems distant at times. I just know it’s me. If I don’t work to maintain this relationship,

I don’t even want to think about it.

turn me around, pick me up

found this on the internet while taking time out from javascript. i dont like javascript much. i like sausage pizza cheese pasta sushi. i think i have a great great greatest grandfather's sister's neighbour's teacher's sheep's owner's cow who's of italian japanese heritage and somehow it rubbed off me.

The Dictionary: what engineers say and what they mean by it

Major Technological Breakthrough
Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research
It was discovered by accident.

The designs are well within allowable limits
We just made it, stretching a point or two.

Test results were extremely gratifying
It works, and are we surprised!

Customer satisfaction is believed assured
We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all.

Close project coordination
We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties
We are working on something else.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period
We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

A number of different approaches are being tried
We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem
We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned

The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties

We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Essentially complete.
Half done.

We predict...
We hope to God!

Drawing release is lagging.
Not a single drawing exists.

Risk is high, but acceptable.
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may have a 50/50 chance.

Serious, but not insurmountable, problems.
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.

Not well defined.
Nobody has thought about it.

Requires further analysis and management attention.
Totally out of control.

The project is designed for high availability.
Malfunctions will be blamed on the operators mistakes.

This project has low maintenance requirements.
We wouldn't let the technicians change a light bulb, much less fool around with our baby.

The software is being developed without excessive process overhead.
The documentation will be written in clear and lucid Chinese.

The delivery is scheduled for the last quater of next year.
This leaves us plenty of time to decide who to blame for it being late.

how could i think of turning back

i am confused.

sometimes i just don't understand myself. other times, too well.

james asked me today if i fixed my phone problem. (my bluetooth was cacat-ed so i sent it for repairs)
i said yeah, and told him it was the software problem and they changed and upgraded it.
he said, "So it wasn't my fault."
i laughed.

i always blamed his phone for my bluetooth malfunctioning cause i paired with his phone once and ever since then, my bluetooh died-ed.

i have no idea how to write an english report for a questionnaire. it's friday night, i havent started, the report is due monday and i'm going for badminton tomorrow. haha

i'm still confused. it's hard to identify rush of feelings.

i just. think.

"God is great, but sometimes life ain't good, when i pray, it doesn't turn out like i think it should, but i do it anyway."
Martina McBride

this is my rite of passage

this week is not a week to look forward to and all my coursemates definitely share the same feeling. this week is the week we have so many assignments, presentations, reports and tests to prepare for and complete, that i didn't want to wake up monday morning.

even with the heavy workload, we made time to go to mid valley on monday not wanting to miss out (actually failing to resist the temptation) on the promotion sushi king is having. however, we rushed through everything, pushing the speed limit as we raced home for, what else, work.

i have to say, i have been totally blessed with good assignment groups throughout this semester, and this is the semester with the most group assignments. today is friday. rest assured, my weekend will be spent in university preparing for presentations and a lot more.

next week will not exactly be an ideal week, but the week after next would be an extreme relief even though finals are on.

How can we keep drinking in God's blessings but fail, or rather refuse, to use it for His glory?
all the time.

don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are

okay, so here's the sad story.

me and my friends thought we'd take part in the sports week my uni was gonna have. you have to join in groups of 8, but only if there's space, so you gotta be quick. well we weren't. we took our time in registering and was told the spot to represent foundation in badminton was taken.

we weren't that disappointed to be honest. we just wanted to have some fun, though the guys are good. it's just us 3girls who need some, okay a lot of polishing up.

then like about 4days ago, i found out that us 3 girls were registered in the competition, cause there weren't any who signed up yet like the guys.

so then, the not so serious badminton sessions we had became like badminton training camp. The guys were like drill seargeants. okay, i'll be fair. they weren't that bad.

you see, to join with the others is one thing cause they'll probably sweep the competition, so it's okay if girls doubles and singles lose. but only us? there's just a huge possibility that we might be humiliated out of the court 21-nil. so clearly, the objective is not to win, but to get a couple of points and not lose the game in like, 5 minutes of something.

so here i am, over-exercised, tired and feeling the strain in all parts of my body. we went to uni a couple of times early in the morning during this long weekend to fit in some practice. we're getting better, but also more nervous. only God knows what state representatives we're going to be up against, us roadside badminton players.

the competition's on monday, so fingers and racquets crossed.

i know we've come so far, we've got so far to go

my friend lost her dad. 3 heart attacks in one night. what do i do?
the desire to do something that really helps overwhelms. but somehow, nothing seems good enough. she's one of my best budds, but all i can do is offer my condolences and the usual comforting words that grieving people would expect but would not be of much help anyway?

what kind of friend am i?

then once again, i am reminded what is the best thing a friend could do. that in my clouded thinking i forget there is no better thing to do. this song played in my phone. i never really sang with the song. it was just another song. now it isn't.

Love Them Like Jesus- Casting Crowns

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand,
you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

--------------------------------------------------------------------

could i have made a difference?

Life is a road and I want to keep going

i believe i learn from my mistakes. though it has to be committed a few times before i know exactly how and why it is a mistake, in the end, i learn. i am tempted to commit such mistakes again, but it is through the struggle of restraining that i grow. to give in without a fight would mean the desire to be stuck where i am, with no intention of progressing.

i have been afraid of messing up, of making mistakes, because i have this fear that it might create a chasm in my relationship with God. i'm afraid that with mistake after mistake i draw further from Him, and my passion for Him not as strong. but as i slowly tread the path He's prepared for me, i experience the meaning of being God's plan.

so yes, i believe i grow with my mistakes, and i have my life as proof that what people preach about learning from your mistakes is true.

in a drag race all the others fall

learning is fun. sure. but most of the time, it's plain exhausting.

the flu hit me yesterday. i found it hard to concentrate in classes while trying to stem the flow from my nose and facing a shortage of tissue paper. girls are few in my classes, and they are the ones who usually carry tissue around. after relieving them of their tissue and still needing more, thank God one guy had another packet.

i had a new algebra lecturer teach yesterday (they do block teaching for this subject) and he totally reminds me of those eunuchs you see in olden days chinese dramas. not that he's a sissy or anything. he has this really high pitch that gets higher once he's gained his momentum while teaching, and he has these hand gestures (those of which i noticed in between my sniffs) that are sort of similar to a eunuch. he was really entertaining and of course, more importantly he's a good teacher.

thankfully, weiwen gave me a ride home so i didn't have to worry about having to ask complete strangers for a piece of tissue paper, or indeed, their sleeves. days have been tiring and have induced almost indecent hunger. or maybe it's just greed.

beri padaku sedikit waktu

i googled the email address of a lecturer in desperation cause i need it to get my results and i just couldn't find it. The so-called existing address book is evading me.

google did not fail me.

i almost emailed a lecturer starting the mail with Dear Ms, until mark told me it's a man. he regretted it the moment i told him my near mistake.

i finished heroes season1 in about 3 days. season 2's file is corrupted. sigh. i need to contact hiewmun about this. thank God chinese new year is near.

nevertheless, the holidays are definitely improving.

it's like i'm going through the motions of a scripted destiny

it's been awhile since i've posted anything. i know for a fact joel's being very determined to keep to his resolution of updating his blog and has so far been doing quite a good job.

to update a little, my finals ended about a week ago and we outdid ourselves in celebration all day as though we just achieved something after sweating blood and sleepless nights.

and so i am on a 3 and a half weeks break. a week and a half is almost gone and honestly, sleeping late is no more a treat, as much as it is a forced gesture to kill time.

i have been going out but i am trying to stay home more, whether because i have a desire to wake after 10 but before noon (because going out usually means waking around 9) or because i am trying to be wise financially, i cannot decide.

i've been thinking a lot about people and their pride, and how it affects people's decisions, emotions and when it al comes together, their lives.

it's easy to know everyone has pride, but it takes notice, and observation to see how pride influences even the smallest decisons, infiltrates the lightest of conversations.

those small moments of irritations that we brush off, but nevertheless feel when talking to someone are often caused by what the other person said in a gush of pride.
that person will probably have noticed the mistake and hastes to say something humble instead in the next sentence, and yet, the damage is done.

but we cannot really blame, because no matter how humble one may boast to be(hmm), pride lives in every one.

only Jesus was purely humble, and sometimes it can be unnerving to see how He was never proud.

We try, but like any other human being, pride creeps into us even when we are fighting against it. Change is possible, but only with the help of the Holy Spirit, who, whatever people may say, remains the only One who is able to change one effectively for the better.

sometimes, i wish we made wiser decisions.

nothing's real until you let go completely

i was reading about fear, and it's paralyzing powers.

our fears are very personal. but, everyone fears. there may be different factors, but everybody has experienced fear.

there are several aspects of fear.

firstly, the fear of the unknown. Proverbs 3:25 says, "Have no fear of sudden disasters.."
This verse applies to everything that happens that we do not know, and all the "what ifs" that we face throughout life.
diseases that can strike anytime, freak accidents that might be waiting around the corner that can cause us everything precious... endless possibilities.

everyday the media highlights bad things that happen to people, that we can easily shift our focus to the possibilities of the unknown to us and our loved ones.

Proverds 3:26 continues with "for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared."

we don't know what tomorrow holds, but we should take comfort in knowing the One who holds tomorrow.

also, there is the fear of the known. i, for one, have experienced fear of a person or a group of people, thought i will not go into it.

Proverbs 29:25 speaks of this fear. "Fear of a man will prove to be a snare..."

but the verse soesn't end there."... but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe..."

this is not a promise that no one will seek to hurt us, but rather, if we trust in the Lord, we can rest assured that no permanent harm will come to us.
We are safe in His care.

However, not all form of fear is bad. the Bible has many references to " the fear of the Lord."
this fear brings about a whole different meaning. it is about reverence for the Lord, and to honour and respect Him.
Proverbs14:27 says "The fear of the Lord is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death."

Solomon also wisely said that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
our fear of the Lord increases as we grow in knowledge of who He is.

the more we grasp His majesty, awesomeness, it becomes clearer to us just how different we are from Him. we become more humble.

this respect will also cause us to desire nothing that displeases Him. Therefore, when we have an authentic fear of the Lord, we are purified spiritually.

so, fear is totally normal. but, we can choose who, or what, to fear.

When i am afraid, I will trust in You. in God, whose word i praise, in God i trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
Psalm56:3-4